Hogwarts reads Harry Potter Snaky Edition PS
by Lonly Wanderer
Summary: Certain books land on the lap (head) of everyone's [least] favourite toad who decides to use them to show the 'lies' Harry's been spreading are just that. Throw in a dimensional anarchist and several Light/Dark/Grey magicals and we have some fun. Dumbles and Weasely (minus twins) bashing. Book 1.
1. Setting The Scene

_First 4/5 chapters are unaltered from when first uploaded._

LW: Hi everyone here's something different, me and Snaky doing a 'reading the books' fic. As far as I've seen there have been a few good ones and they're quite funny (and Draco gets hurt, a lot) so my turn.

Snaky: Now if you excuse me I have books to deliver (leaves)

LW: OK. Well enjoy the story.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, that's about it.

_**Hogwarts reads the Harry Potter Books – Snaky edition. **_

_**Book 1**_

In her office Professor Dolores Umbitch … I mean Umbridge was looking for a way to take Dumbles and Potter down a peg or two when the answers appeared right in front of her, by landing on her head. After several thumps and a headache potion Umbridge found 7 very important books on her desk. She smiled with sadistic glee at the idea of discrediting the ministry's 2 greatest threats and maybe even getting them thrown in Azkaban.

Great Hall – Next day.

The golden trio had just settled down to breakfast and to discuss the next DA meeting when the doors swung open and Umbridge walked in, closely followed by Fudge, Ms Bones, Shacklebolt, Tonks and some other Auror. She walked up to the top of the Hall and dropped a pile of books on the table in front of Dumbledore's for some reason empty chair. Nobody knew what was about to happen but even the Slytherins knew it wasn't going to be good.

Umbridge: (Creepy cough thing) Now students, yesterday evening I received an interesting gift. These are some very special books which I hope will finally put an end to this silly 'Dark Lord is alive' nonsense and then we can disband that rebel group once they see the truth.

? : Oh shut up umbitch!

Umbridge turns around and everyone's eyes turn to the previously empty chair now containing a black cloaked, purple haired individual. He had red eyes and small reading glasses on his nose. During the commotion Dumbledore arrived along with the Weasleys and Moody. Catching the old man's eyes the beings face contorted into a sneer and gold scales erupted from his skin, a forked tongue visible through his fangs.

Snaky: Well if it isn't the 'I Heart Dumbles' club. We're still missing a few people so give me a minute…

With a flick of his hands he started pulling people into the great Hall. The Malfoys, Remus, Sirius, Wormtail (immediately stunned by him of course) and surprisingly Voldemort and Bella along with Nagini. Then he open the 1st page of the book and the doors sealed themselves.

Fudge: That's Sirius Black! Aurors arrest him, send for a dementor and have him kissed!

Amelia: (Far as I know she's awesome) Minister you're missing the point, 1. there on the floor is the it turns out not dead Pettigrew and 2. Over there are Bellatrix Lestrange…

Bella: Black.

Amelia: What?

Bella: Nagini ate my husband last week and the marriage contract had an heir loophole in it and I was in Azkaban and would sooner do it with Sirius or Andi before him so I'm a Black once again. Hey cousin, hey little Dora.

Amelia: anyway, we have Bellatrix and the Dark Lord. Also the doors have locked us in and seem to be tied to the books we were called here to witness.

Sirius: Hey lizard, I think you just ruined the plot of at least 2 of those books.

Snaky: If it keeps you out of the Veil. Besides I've ruined the ending of the 1st 4, Harry's still alive!

Bella: (Maniacal laughter) He's got you Siri.

Snaky: Everyone sit down and shut up. The books are temporally unstable actually by design, mainly so you couldn't do what you just attempted to do such as arrest Sirius. By the way Wormtail is here so we could get it over with and Sirius doesn't need to hide for 3 and a half books. Now after each book we may call some people in or kick people out, but not during. Also time as slowed almost to a stop around the event horizon which in this case is the great Hall so don't worry about time constraints and any other problems like that. So who's ready to hear the books?

Snape: Sure if it gets us out of hear I'd listen to Dumbledore's memoirs. Get on with it

Snaky: Ok, let us begin. The 1st book is **Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone** …

TBC

LW: Well this will be fun hopefully, now as you'll have noticed from HBR Snaky doesn't like Dumbles or the Weasley's (twins excluded) so it may show in this universe. Expect bashing and alternate interpretations to what's expected. Also this is the only chapter of this series in script format, so that may slow it down. Also HBR is on hiatus, sorry 'bout that.

Snaky: Also Lonly is mentally debating between Harmione & whatever Bella/Voldy is called or Hellatrix & Voldrry. _Opinions are welcomed but may be ignored_.

**R&R**

**Merry Christmas Everyone I've been busy so not much has been done on this end, therefore as a Christmas gift I've re-uploaded this for all to see**

Important note for anyone who tries get this removed (it has happened before) – GO FUCK YOURSELVES YOUR **TALENTLESS BASTERDS**!

Anyone who doesn't want to get this removed please ignore what's in capitals.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year


	2. 1: The Boy Who Lived

LW: Story officially starts now, have fun.

For future reference; **Book** outside world 'speaking' _'thinking' __'Parseltongue'_

_**Hogwarts reads the Harry Potter Books – Snaky edition.**_ _**Chapter 1**_

As Snaky prepared to read the new arrivals settled in to the house table, the Malfoy's together, Amelia and Tonks back in Hufflepuff, and Voldemort and Bellatrix opposite Harry and Hermione, Nagini hissing a glaring almost daring them to question them mostly directed at the rest of the Weasleys (As in all but the twins). Only Harry could hear her actually saying '_go on flame hair traitors, master will be pleased__'_ which didn't sit well with him. That and Voldemort looked … human. Other than the red eyes he looked like an older version of his diary self (thank you Snaky and plot convenience). Once everyone was seated Snaky began. Harry noticed in his narrations he spoke in a clear voice with a small bit of an Irish accent and a hissing undertone which after his transformation Harry completely understood.

**Chapter 1 The Boy Who Lived**

**Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much. **

'Who would want to be normal it would be so dull' yelled Draco. 'Muggles' said Lucius as though it was the only reply needed which in the case of the Dursleys it was.

**They were the last people you'd expect to be involved in anything strange or mysterious, because they just didn't hold with such nonsense**

'Is this story gonna be this boring for the entire thing?' moaned Lavender. 'I've only read one paragraph so shut up and the good stuff will be hear soon enough' Snaky shouted already annoyed at the stupid questions and they hadn't even started the actual story 'please refrain from asking pointless questions and save yelling at the book for the appropriate moments' he said making the almost the entire Hall wonder what he meant except Harry who was instead worried about the reactions to his 'family'

**Mr. Dursley was the director of a firm called Grunnings, which made drills**.

They took a minute for Hermione to explain drills to the idiot purebloods.

**He was a big, beefy man with hardly any neck, although he did have a very large moustache. Mrs. Dursley was thin and blonde and had nearly twice the usual amount of neck, which came in very useful as she spent so much of her time craning over garden fences, spying on the neighbours. **

Harry smiled and said sarcastically 'it's nice to see nothing has changed in the Dursley household, as usual' while Snape wondered why the description of the woman sounded familiar to him.

**The Dursleys had a small son called Dudley and in their opinion there was no finer boy anywhere**

Harry couldn't hold it in and fell of the bench laughing his ass of at the though of Dudley being seen as good in any light. Snaky had a look on his face frozen between a smile and a frown which really confused and freaked out some of the wizards, he then sighed and continued to read

**The Dursleys had everything they wanted, but they also had a secret, and their greatest fear was that somebody would discover it. They didn't think they could bear it if anyone found out about the Potters.** **Mrs. Potter was Mrs. Dursley's sister,**

At this Snape groaned 'Potter please tell me the woman's name isn't Petunia?' 'Sorry Professor, ''I shall not tell lies'' ' Harry answered awkwardly rubbing the back of his hand. Snaky used mind magic to give certain people a subliminal 'remember this it will be important later' then continued

**but they hadn't met for several years; in fact, Mrs. Dursley pretended she didn't have a sister,**

'I'm sure Lily did the same thing' Snape grumbled and Harry actually smiled.

**because her sister and her good-for-nothing husband were as unDursleyish **

'Is that even a word Harry?' Hermione asked. 'No' was the reply.

**as it was possible to be. The Dursleys shuddered to think what the neighbours would say if the Potters arrived in the street. **

'Foreshadowing! Almost' Snaky said with a chuckle.

**The Dursleys knew that the Potters had a small son, too, but they had never even seen him. This boy was another good reason for keeping the Potters away; they didn't want Dudley mixing with a child like that.**

'If only it had stayed that way' Harry grumbled once again only heard by 3 people though the twins and remaining marauders were making there way along the table towards them with each interruption

**When Mr. and Mrs. Dursley woke up on the dull, grey Tuesday our story starts, there was nothing about the cloudy sky outside to suggest that strange and mysterious things would soon be happening all over the country.**

'_Oh god not that night_' Voldemort hissed and Nagini rubbed her head against his in comfort.

**Mr. Dursley hummed as he picked out his most boring tie for work, and Mrs. Dursley gossiped away happily as she wrestled a screaming Dudley into his high chair.**

'Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! There was a time when he could fit in that high chair?' Harry asked. 'Yes, though it may have been a tight squeeze and that was the reason for the wrestling and screaming' Snaky said and continued his narrative

**None of them noticed a large, tawny owl flutter past the window.**

'Muggles are idiots' Draco drawled and for once wasn't met by a defence as most the wizards from pure to muggleborn were thinking the same thing which is a rare occasion.

**At half past eight, Mr. Dursley picked up his briefcase, pecked Mrs. Dursley on the cheek, and tried to kiss Dudley good-bye but missed, because Dudley was now having a tantrum and throwing his cereal at the walls.**

'Not even Draco was that bad when he was young' Narcissa said which took the Gryffindors for a ride as they'd always gauged 'spoiled dick-ness' using Malfoy and were surprised anyone could break the scale. 'Keep waiting he gets worse (Shock all round), by the way apologies about 8 chapters in advance Draco' Harry called across the Hall.(Remember this it will be important)

**"Little tyke,"** **chortled Mr. Dursley as he left the house.**

'There is nothing little about that kid' yelled the twins remembering the blob they'd pranked on there trip to get Harry the previous year.

**He got into his car and backed out of number four's drive.** **It was on the corner of the street that he noticed the first sign of something peculiar - a cat reading a map. **

All eyes turned to the staff table 'Minnie?' sing-songed Sirius. 'Yes it was now hurry up'

**For a second, Mr. Dursley didn't realize what he had seen - then he jerked his head around to look again. There was a tabby cat standing on the corner of Privet Drive, but there wasn't a map in sight. What could he have been thinking of? It must have been a trick of the light. **

'Yes because a trick of the light makes maps appear, seriously this man's an idiot'

**Mr. Dursley blinked and stared at the cat. It stared back. As Mr. Dursley drove around the corner and up the road, he watched the cat in his mirror. It was now reading the sign that said Privet Drive - no, looking at the sign; cats couldn't read maps or signs.**

'Keep telling yourself that'

**Mr. Dursley gave himself a little shake and put the cat out of his mind. As he drove toward town he thought of nothing except a large order of drills he was hoping to get that day.**

'Harry is he really that simple minded' Hermione asked, Vernon's stupidity grating the nerves of her inner Ravenclaw. 'Yes though he's usual angrier' Harry admitted.

**Mr. Dursley always sat with his back to the window in his office on the ninth floor. If he hadn't, he might have found it harder to concentrate on drills that morning. He didn't see the owls swooping past in broad daylight, though people down in the street did; they pointed and gazed open-mouthed as owl after owl sped overhead.**

'Statute of Secrecy! What's That? And you people call the muggles stupid' Snaky snarked at any magical old enough to have been there. 'It was the end of the war and the 1st time had something to celebrate about' Dumbledore defended but Snaky ignored him quite obviously.

**Most of them had never seen an owl even at nighttime. Mr. Dursley, however, had a perfectly normal, owl-free morning. He yelled at five different people.** **He made several important telephone calls and shouted a bit more **('And the balance is restored')**. He was in a very good mood until lunchtime, when he thought he'd stretch his legs**

'STOP repeat that' Harry shouted wondering what was wrong with his uncle. 'OK continue'

**and walk across the road to buy himself a bun from the bakery.**

'Oh, now it makes sense.' 'Let me finish a sentence Potter before commenting next time'

**He'd forgotten all about the people in cloaks until he passed a group of them next to the baker's. He eyed them angrily as he passed. He didn't know why, but they made him uneasy. This bunch were whispering excitedly, too, and he couldn't see a single collecting tin. It was on his way back past them, clutching a large doughnut in a bag, that he caught a few words of what they were saying.**

**"The Potters, that's right, that's what I heard-"**

**"- yes, their son, Harry-"**

'Harry Potter' the twins cheered 'you're finally in your own story'

**Mr. Dursley stopped dead. Fear flooded him. He looked back at the whisperers as if he wanted to say something to them, but thought better of it.**

'_WOW the man can think, you really do learn something new every week'_

**He dashed back across the road, hurried up to his office, snapped at his secretary not to disturb him, seized his telephone, and had almost finished dialling his home number when he changed his mind. He put the receiver back down and stroked his moustache, thinking... no, he was being stupid. Potter wasn't such an unusual name. He was sure there were lots of people called Potter who had a son called Harry. Come to think of it, he wasn't even sure his nephew was called Harry. He'd never even seen the boy. It might have been Harvey. Or Harold.**

'Harold Potter doesn't sound as good as Harry' Ginny said all love struck, to which Hermione and Snaky sighed.

**There was no point in worrying Mrs. Dursley; she always got so upset at any mention of her sister. He didn't blame her - if he'd had a sister like that... but all the same, those people in cloaks...**

'Like that! When this book is over I'm killing that man' Snape yelled then realising he'd said it out loud went on to banging his head of the desk muttering profanity in several languages.

**He found it a lot harder to concentrate on drills that afternoon and when he left the building at five o'clock, he was still so worried that he walked straight into someone just outside the door**. **"Sorry," he grunted,** **as the tiny old man stumbled and almost fell. It was a few seconds before Mr. Dursley realized that the man was wearing a violet cloak.**

All eyes turned to Flitwick 'how were you not knocked over?' Harry asked. 'Goblins are more sturdy than you think, but even so it was just barely' was the charms professor's answer.

**He didn't seem at all upset at being almost knocked to the ground. On the contrary, his face split into a wide smile and he said in a squeaky voice that made passers by stare, "Don't be sorry, my dear sir, for nothing could upset me today! Rejoice, for You-Know-Who has gone at last! Even Muggles like yourself should be celebrating, this happy, happy day!"**

Once again Snaky and several Slytherin's along with Harry and Hermione groaned at the stupidity of the magicals on this day only this time they could actually aim it at someone; in this case Prof Flitwick.

**And the old man hugged Mr. Dursley around the middle and walked off.**

'How?' was the only question on anyone's lips. 'It wasn't really around his middle, it was barely even his front' was the response from the diminutive wizard.

**Mr. Dursley stood rooted to the spot. He had been hugged by a complete stranger. He also thought he had been called a Muggle, whatever that was. He was rattled. He hurried to his car and set off for home, hoping he was imagining things, which he had never hoped before, because he didn't approve of imagination.**

The marauders and twins were horrified, how could you disapprove of imagination? Then they remembered this was the Dursley's and they were super normal and super boring by default.

**As he pulled into the driveway of number four, the first thing he saw - and it didn't improve his mood - was the tabby cat he'd spotted that morning. It was now sitting on his garden wall. He was sure it was the same one; it had the same markings around its eyes.**

**"Shoo!" said Mr. Dursley loudly.**

'Yes because saying things loudly always works' McGonagall says sarcastically.

**The cat didn't move. It just gave him a stern look. **

'Ha he just got Snaped by a cat' Sirius barked. From where he was sitting he couldn't see the withering glares he was receiving from Snape and McGonagall

**Was this normal cat behaviour? Mr. Dursley wondered. Trying to pull himself together, he let himself into the house. He was still determined not to mention anything to his wife.**

'Smart move'

**Mrs. Dursley had had a nice, normal day. She told him over dinner all about Mrs. Next Door's problems with her daughter and how Dudley had learned a new word ("Won't!")**.

'That's just fan-fucking-tastic' Voldemort grumbled, the muggles were starting to irritate him

**Mr. Dursley tried to act normally. When Dudley had been put to bed, he went into the living room in time to catch the last report on the evening news:**

**"And finally, bird-watchers everywhere have reported that the nation's owls have been behaving very unusually today. Although owls normally hunt at night and are hardly ever seen in daylight, there have been hundreds of sightings of these birds flying in every direction since sunrise. Experts are unable to explain why the owls have suddenly changed their sleeping pattern." The newscaster allowed himself a grin. "Most mysterious. And now, over to Jim McGuffin with the weather. Going to be any more showers of owls tonight, Jim?"**

**"Well, Ted," said the weatherman, "I don't know about that, but it's not only the owls that have been acting oddly today. Viewers as far apart as Kent, Yorkshire, and Dundee have been phoning in to tell me that instead of the rain I promised yesterday, they've had a downpour of shooting stars! Perhaps people have been celebrating Bonfire Night early - it's not until next week, folks! But I can promise a wet night tonight."**

Cue the now predictable groans from Snaky, the Slytherin's, Harry, Hermione and now EVERY muggleborn in the room

**Mr. Dursley sat frozen in his armchair. Shooting stars all over Britain? Owls flying by daylight? Mysterious people in cloaks all over the place? And a whisper, a whisper about the Potters...**

'Wait a minute, I think he's figured it out' Harry said as though his uncle had cracked the Skasis Paradigm. (Doctor Who reference)

**Mrs. Dursley came into the living room carrying two cups of tea. It was no good. He'd have to say something to her. He cleared his throat nervously. "Er - Petunia, dear - you haven't heard from your sister lately, have you?"**

'Now that my friends is a classic example of Gryffindor bravery and simultaneously stupidity' Voldemort quipped to the Hall completely ignoring the angry Gryffindors at the table.

**As he had expected, Mrs. Dursley looked shocked and angry. After all, they normally pretended she didn't have a sister.**

'Pretty sure Snape already said this but the feeling was mutual' Lupin said

**"No," she said sharply. "Why?"**

**"Funny stuff on the news," Mr. Dursley mumbled. "Owls... shooting stars... and there were a lot of funny-looking people in town today..."**

**"So?" snapped Mrs. Dursley.**

**"Well, I just thought... maybe... it was something to do with... you know... her crowd."**

'Her crowd? God this is so sad it's funny, she doesn't belong in our world and her sister doesn't want her in there world. Actually I lie, she's one of the only mudbloods who's proven herself worth of being called a witch' Bella said with a few giggles along the way.

**Mrs. Dursley sipped her tea through pursed lips. Mr. Dursley wondered whether he dared tell her he'd heard the name "Potter." He decided he didn't dare. Instead he said, as casually as he could, "Their son - he'd be about Dudley's age now, wouldn't he?"**

**"I suppose so," said Mrs. Dursley stiffly.**

**"What's his name again? Howard, isn't it?"**

**"Harry. Nasty, common name, if you ask me."**

'Not in the wizarding world, now Tom on the other hand…' Harry whispered to his little group ( Him, Mione, Bella, Voldy, twins, Lupin & Sirius) with an ever increasing grin at the angry look on Voldemort's face.

**"Oh, yes," said Mr. Dursley, his heart sinking horribly. "Yes, I quite agree."**

Sirius made a sound of a whip cracking with his wand and Harry nearly threw up while Hermione went green imagining the fat man jiggling (And now it's in your head's too. All flames will be used to roast Dumb-as-a-door on a spit).

**He didn't say another word on the subject as they went upstairs to bed. While Mrs. Dursley was in the bathroom, Mr. Dursley crept to the bedroom window and peered down into the front garden. The cat was still there. It was staring down Privet Drive as though it were waiting for something.**

**Was he imagining things? Could all this have anything to do with the Potters? If it did... if it got out that they were related to a pair of - well, he didn't think he could bear it.**

**The Dursleys got into bed. Mrs. Dursley fell asleep quickly but Mr. Dursley lay awake, turning it all over in his mind. His last, comforting thought before he fell asleep was that even if the Potters were involved, there was no reason for them to come near him and Mrs. Dursley. The Potters knew very well what he and Petunia thought about them and their kind... He couldn't see how he and Petunia could get mixed up in anything that might be going on - he yawned and turned over - it couldn't affect them...**

**How very wrong he was.**

'Do you think he ever gets tired of being wrong?' Snaky wondered aloud and most just shrugged

**Mr. Dursley might have been drifting into an uneasy sleep, but the cat on the wall outside was showing no sign of sleepiness. It was sitting as still as a statue, its eyes fixed unblinkingly on the far corner of Privet Drive. It didn't so much as quiver when a car door slammed on the next street, nor when two owls swooped overhead. In fact, it was nearly midnight before the cat moved at all.**

Hagrid asked 'How do you do that Min?' 'Years of practice' was McGonagall's response

**A man appeared on the corner the cat had been watching, appeared so suddenly and silently you'd have thought he'd just popped out of the ground. The cat's tail twitched and its eyes narrowed.**

**Nothing like this man had ever been seen on Privet Drive. He was tall, thin, and very old, judging by the silver of his hair and beard, which were both long enough to tuck into his belt. He was wearing long robes, a purple cloak that swept the ground, and high-heeled, buckled boots. His blue eyes were light, bright, and sparkling behind half-moon spectacles and his nose was very long and crooked, as though it had been broken at least twice. This man's name was Albus Dumbledore.**

'The great Dumbledore, oh boy' Voldemort uncharacteristically whined.

**Albus Dumbledore didn't seem to realize that he had just arrived in a street where everything from his name to his boots was unwelcome.**

'Oh he knew he just didn't bloody well care' Snaky growled surprising most people but Harry was starting to understand what this meant, and mentally groaned.

**He was busy rummaging in his cloak, looking for something. But he did seem to realize he was being watched, because he looked up suddenly at the cat, which was still staring at him from the other end of the street. For some reason, the sight of the cat seemed to amuse him. He chuckled and muttered, "I should have known."**

'Wait he knew the Dursleys were being stalked by a cat' Goyle asked stupidly. 'No! He knew McGonagall is a cat and if he's thought about it would have realised she would've wanted to see Potter's living arrangements' Malfoy corrected quite informatively.

**He found what he was looking for in his inside pocket. It seemed to be a silver cigarette lighter. He flicked it open, held it up in the air, and clicked it. The nearest street lamp went out with a little pop. He clicked it again - the next lamp flickered into darkness. Twelve times he clicked the Put-Outer, until the only lights left on the whole street were two tiny pinpricks in the distance, which were the eyes of the cat watching him. If anyone looked out of their window now, even beady-eyed Mrs. Dursley, they wouldn't be able to see anything that was happening down on the pavement. Dumbledore slipped the Put-Outer back inside his cloak and set off down the street toward number four, where he sat down on the wall next to the cat. He didn't look at it, but after a moment he spoke to it.**

**"Fancy seeing you here, Professor McGonagall."**

'I was right' Sirius yelled jumping up from the bench. He immediately sat back down from the look he received from said professor.

**He turned to smile at the tabby, but it had gone. Instead he was smiling at a rather severe-looking woman who was wearing square glasses exactly the shape of the markings the cat had had around its eyes. She, too, was wearing a cloak, an emerald one. Her black hair was drawn into a tight bun. She looked distinctly ruffled.**

**"How did you know it was me?" she asked.**

**"My dear Professor, I've never seen a cat sit so stiffly."**

**"You'd be stiff if you'd been sitting on a brick wall all day," said Professor McGonagall.**

'Speaking of witch why were you there Professor?' Harry asked. McGonagall looked puzzled then replied 'I … I don't remember Harry'.

**"All day? When you could have been celebrating? I must have passed a dozen feasts and parties on my way here."**

'Of course you did, it's not like there was anything important to do 1st! By the way how does everybody know what happened?' (I'm not going to even dignify this plot hole with a bullshit answer)

**Professor McGonagall sniffed angrily.**

**"Oh yes, I've celebrating, all right," she said impatiently. "You'd think they'd be a bit more careful, but no - even the Muggles have noticed something's going on. It was on their news." She jerked her head back at the Dursleys' dark living-room window. "I heard it. Flocks of owls... shooting stars... Well, they're not completely stupid. They were bound to notice something. Shooting stars down in Kent - I'll bet that was Dedalus Diggle. He never had much sense."**

'Still doesn't' was yelled from somewhere in the Slytherin table and most of the adults started laughing.

**"You can't blame them," said Dumbledore gently. "We've had precious little to celebrate for eleven years."**

**"I know that," said Professor McGonagall irritably. "But that's no reason to lose our heads. People are being downright careless, out on the streets in broad daylight, not even dressed in Muggle clothes, swapping rumours."**

'Yay Minnie has the rarest item in the wizarding world; Common sense and a brain' Snaky exclaimed and allowed the meaning to seep in then completely ignoring the indignant cries of annoyance.

**She threw a sharp, sideways glance at Dumbledore here, as though hoping he was going to tell her something, but he didn't, so she went on. "A fine thing it would be if, on the very day You-Know-Who seems to have disappeared at last, the Muggles found out about us all. I suppose he really has gone, Dumbledore?"**

'I'm right here so give it a wild guess'

**"It certainly seems so," said Dumbledore. "We have much to be thankful for. Would you care for a lemon drop?"**

'Great subject change' Snaky said sarcastically. (It's not plagiarism as long as it isn't a jelly baby offered by an alien)

**"A what?"**

**"A lemon drop. They're a kind of Muggle sweet I'm rather fond of."**

**"No, thank you," said Professor McGonagall coldly, as though she didn't think this was the moment for lemon drops. "As I say, even if You-Know-Who has gone-"**

**"My dear Professor, surely a sensible person like yourself can call him by his name? All this 'You-Know-Who' nonsense - for eleven years I have been trying to persuade people to call him by his proper name: Voldemort." Professor McGonagall flinched, but Dumbledore, who was unsticking two lemon drops, seemed not to notice. "It all gets so confusing if we keep saying 'You-Know-Who.' I have never seen any reason to be frightened of saying Voldemort's name."**

**"I know you haven't, said Professor McGonagall, sounding half exasperated, half admiring. "But you're different. Everyone knows you're the only one You-Know- oh, all right, Voldemort, was frightened of."**

**"You flatter me," said Dumbledore calmly. "Voldemort had powers I will never have."**

'He finally admits it' Voldemort announced triumphantly.

**"Only because you're too - well - noble to use them."**

'NO HE ISN'T!'

**"It's lucky it's dark. I haven't blushed so much since Madam Pomfrey told me she liked my new earmuffs."**

The Hall was treated to several wretching students at the images.

**Professor McGonagall shot a sharp look at Dumbledore and said "The owls are nothing next to the rumours that are flying around. You know what they're saying? About why he's disappeared? About what finally stopped him?"**

**It seemed that Professor McGonagall had reached the point she was most anxious to discuss, the real reason she had been waiting on a cold, hard wall all day, for neither as a cat nor as a woman had she fixed Dumbledore with such a piercing stare as she did now. It was plain that whatever "everyone" was saying, she was not going to believe it until Dumbledore told her it was true. Dumbledore, however, was choosing another lemon drop and did not answer.**

'Of course not'

**"What they're saying," she pressed on, "is that last night Voldemort turned up in Godric's Hollow. He went to find the Potters. The rumour is that Lily and James Potter are - are - that they're - dead."**

**Dumbledore bowed his head. Professor McGonagall gasped.**

**"Lily and James... I can't believe it... I didn't want to believe it... Oh, Albus..."**

**Dumbledore reached out and patted her on the shoulder. "I know... I know... " he said heavily.**

**Professor McGonagall's voice trembled as she went on. "That's not all. They're saying he tried to kill the Potter's son, Harry. But he couldn't. He couldn't kill that little boy. No one knows why, or how, but they're saying that when he couldn't kill Harry Potter, Voldemort's power somehow broke - and that's why he's gone."**

**Dumbledore nodded glumly.**

**"It's - it's true ?" faltered Professor McGonagall. "After all he's done... all the people he's killed... he couldn't kill a little boy? It's just astounding... of all the things to stop him... but how in the name of heaven did Harry survive?"**

'That's what I want to know' Harry said, with murmurs of agreement from his little group.

**"We can only guess," said Dumbledore. "We may never know."**

'_Oh he knows_' Snaky though.

**Professor McGonagall pulled out a lace handkerchief and dabbed at her eyes beneath her spectacles. Dumbledore gave a great sniff as he took a golden watch from his pocket and examined it. It was a very odd watch. It had twelve hands but no numbers; instead, little planets were moving around the edge. It must have made sense to Dumbledore, though, because he put it back in his pocket and said, "Hagrid's late. I suppose it was he who told you I'd be here, by the way?"**

'Oh yeah, Hagrid told me'

**"Yes," said Professor McGonagall. "And I don't suppose you're going to tell me why you're here, of all places?"**

**"I've come to bring Harry to his aunt and uncle. They're the only family he has left now."**

'_So it was Dumbledore's fault for my 'living conditions_'' Harry hissed, Voldy and Nagini having near identical looks of confusion.

**"You don't mean - you can't mean the people who live here ?" cried Professor McGonagall, jumping to her feet and pointing at number four. "Dumbledore - you can't. I've been watching them all day. You couldn't find two people who are less like us. And they've got this son - I saw him kicking his mother all the way up the street, screaming for sweets. Harry Potter come and live here!"**

'Thanks for at least trying Professor' Harry called up to his Head of House.

**"It's the best place for him," said Dumbledore firmly. "His aunt and uncle will be able to explain everything to him when he's older. I've written them a letter."**

There were cries of outrage at the last line, how could Dumbledore drop a child on someone's doorstep with just a letter taped to it's blanket?

**"A letter?" repeated Professor McGonagall faintly, sitting back down on the wall. "Really, Dumbledore, you think you can explain all this in a letter? These people will never understand him! He'll be famous - a legend - I wouldn't be surprised if today was known as Harry Potter day in the future - there will be books written about Harry - every child in our world will know his name!"**

'Something I find really irritating at times, now being one of them'

**"Exactly." said Dumbledore, looking very seriously over the top of his half-moon glasses. "It would be enough to turn any boy's head. Famous before he can walk and talk! Famous for something he won't even remember! Can you see how much better off he'll be, growing up away from all that until he's ready to take it?"**

Mentally there was a unanimous 'NO' as by the sound of things even a orphanage would have been better (Yes even Tom thought so. Proof of awfulness.) and many were getting worried about the upcoming chapters.

**Professor McGonagall opened her mouth, changed her mind, swallowed, and then said, "Yes - yes, you're right, of course. But how is the boy getting here, Dumbledore?" She eyed his cloak suddenly as though she thought he might be hiding Harry underneath it.**

**"Hagrid's bringing him."**

'And Harry's not dead because?' asked the rather prickish Zacharias Smith

**"You think it - wise - to trust Hagrid with something as important as this?"**

'I'd trust Hagrid with my life' Harry said honestly earning a huge smile from Hagrid ' A secret on the other hand…'

**"I would trust Hagrid with my life," said Dumbledore.**

'_Damn it_'

**"I'm not saying his heart isn't in the right place," said Professor McGonagall grudgingly, "but you can't pretend he's not careless. He does tend to - what was that?"**

**A low rumbling sound had broken the silence around them. It grew steadily louder as they looked up and down the street for some sign of a headlight; it swelled to a roar as they both looked up at the sky - and a huge motorcycle fell out of the air and landed on the road in front of them.**

'I never did get my bike back' Sirius groaned but was largely ignored by everyone.

**If the motorcycle was huge, it was nothing to the man sitting astride it. He was almost twice as tall as a normal man and at least five times as wide. He looked simply too big to be allowed, and so wild - long tangles of bushy black hair and beard hid most of his face, he had hands the size of trash can lids, and his feet in their leather boots were like baby dolphins. **

'Accurate descriptions, disturbingly accurate' Dora said trying to get her 2 cents in.

**In his vast, muscular arms he was holding a bundle of blankets.**

Once again the twins took it upon themselves to yell 'HARRY' as loud as they could, completely ignoring the looks from their mother.

**"Hagrid," said Dumbledore, sounding relieved. "At last. And where did you get that motorcycle?"**

'Me' Sirius announced proudly.

**"Borrowed it, Professor Dumbledore, sir," said the giant, climbing carefully off the motorcycle as he spoke. "Young Sirius Black lent it to me. I've got him, sir."**

**"No problems, were there?"**

**"No, sir - house was almost destroyed, but I got him out all right before the Muggles started swarmin' around. He fell asleep as we was flyin' over Bristol."**

**Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall bent forward over the bundle of blankets. Inside, just visible, was a baby boy, fast asleep. Under a tuft of jet-black hair over his forehead they could see a curiously shaped cut, like a bolt of lightning.**

'Jet black hair, lightning scar, yep defiantly me' Harry said in a monotone.

**"Is that where - ?" whispered Professor McGonagall.**

**"Yes," said Dumbledore. "He'll have that scar forever."**

**"Couldn't you do something about it, Dumbledore?"**

**"Even if I could, I wouldn't. Scars can come in handy. I have one myself above my left knee that is a perfect map of the London Underground. **

'Ok, too much information' said Snaky as he closed the book on his thumb before banging his head on the table, a thought shared by most of the Hall's occupants.

**Well - give him here, Hagrid - we'd better get this over with."**

**Dumbledore took Harry in his arms and turned toward the Dursleys' house.**

**"Could I - could I say good-bye to him, sir?" asked Hagrid. He bent his great, shaggy head over Harry and gave him what must have been a very scratchy, whiskery kiss. Then, suddenly, Hagrid let out a howl like a wounded dog.**

Being the SOB (literally) that he was Sirius decided to join in with a bark and howl but was quickly stopped by Lupin and Bella

**"Shhh!" hissed Professor McGonagall, "You'll wake the Muggles!"**

**"S-s-sorry," sobbed Hagrid, taking out a large, spotted handkerchief and burying his face in it. "But I c-c-can't stand it - Lily an' James dead - an' poor little Harry off ter live with Muggles-"**

'_That's a total of 2 people who gave a damn where I lived_' Harry thought glaring angrily towards Dumbledore

"**Yes, yes, it's all very sad, but get a grip on yourself, Hagrid, or we'll be found," Professor McGonagall whispered, patting Hagrid gingerly on the arm as Dumbledore stepped over the low garden wall and walked to the front door. He laid Harry gently on the doorstep, took a letter out of his cloak, tucked it inside Harry's blankets, and then came back to the other two. For a full minute the three of them stood and looked at the little bundle; Hagrid's shoulders shook, Professor McGonagall blinked furiously, and the twinkling light that usually shone from Dumbledore's eyes seemed to have gone out.**

'That is one hell of an achievement' Lupin said to the group, which they agreed on as Dumbledore almost always had his eyes twinkling.

**"Well," said Dumbledore finally, "that's that. We've no business staying here. We may as well go and join the celebrations."**

**"Yeah," said Hagrid in a very muffled voice, "I'll be takin' Sirius his bike back. G'night, Professor McGonagall - Professor Dumbledore, sir."**

'Do you think Sirius can have it back once the books are finished' Harry asked receiving a nod from Hagrid and a 'behind me Hut'

**Wiping his streaming eyes on his jacket sleeve, Hagrid swung himself onto the motorcycle and kicked the engine into life; with a roar it rose into the air and off into the night.**

**"I shall see you soon, I expect, Professor McGonagall," said Dumbledore, nodding to her. Professor McGonagall blew her nose in reply.**

**Dumbledore turned and walked back down the street. On the corner he stopped and took out the silver Put-Outer. He clicked it once, and twelve balls of light sped back to their street lamps so that Privet Drive glowed suddenly orange and he could make out a tabby cat slinking around the corner at the other end of the street. He could just see the bundle of blankets on the step of number four.**

The response to the letter was made look like crickets to the reaction that was caused by Dumbledore leaving a child on someone's doorstep on a November evening. Most of the older students and all the purebloods were horrified by the fact Dumbledore didn't even think to cast a warming charm on the blanket Harry was wrapped up in.

**"Good luck, Harry," he murmured. **

'_You need it_' Snaky hissed and both Voldemort and Nagini nodded in agreement, Harry just staring up at the head table with a perplexed look on his face.

**He turned on his heel and with a swish of his cloak, he was gone.**

**A breeze ruffled the neat hedges of Privet Drive, which lay silent and tidy under the inky sky, the very last place you would expect astonishing things to happen. Harry Potter rolled over inside his blankets without waking up. One small hand closed on the letter beside him and he slept on, not knowing he was special, not knowing he was famous, not knowing he would be woken in a few hours' time by Mrs. Dursley's scream as she opened the front door to put out the milk bottles, nor that he would spend the next few weeks being prodded and pinched by his cousin Dudley... He couldn't know that at this very moment, people meeting in secret all over the country were holding up their glasses and saying in hushed voices: "To Harry Potter - the boy who lived!"**

'Okay that's chapter 1 finished who's next?' Snaky announced scanning the room to find a suitable volunteer. 'I'll do it' called Lucius from the Slytherin table and with a simple nod Snaky hurled the book at the eldest Malfoy who just abut stopped the book colliding with his face with a flick of his wand.

TBC

LW: 1 chapter down let the Dursley hatred begin!

Bella: So, decided yet?

LW: No and it may take a few books to decide and actually do something. Anyway I have Dumbles, Weasley, Dursley bashing and foreshadowing to point out or create and 17 chapters to do it in for this book.

One last thing, to FilthyMudblood (Note to Self turn off anonymous) I agree completely with that as Ron/Hermione is right down there with Harry/Ginny in terms of pairings I will never read. Hell I will sooner have Hermione with Snape and Harry with Draco while Dumbledore dies choking on his own wand (after Harry shoved it down his throat) than have this go with either of those pairings. Expect Love potion references in book 6 or earlier.

R&R


	3. 2: The Vanishing Glass

LW: Chapter 2/3 and we get to see people's reaction to the snake fiasco on Dudley's birthday.

Snaky: OK Luci boy hit it!

_**Hogwarts reads the Harry Potter Books – Snaky edition.**_ _**Chapter 2**_

'OK people time to move on' Lucius announced before beginning

**Chapter 2 The Vanishing Glass**

Harry visibly paled at the title but was soon comforted by Hermione and Sirius who'd managed to get in beside him during the previous chapter.

**Nearly ten years had passed since the Dursleys had woken up to find their nephew on the front step, but Privet Drive had hardly changed at all. The sun rose on the same tidy front gardens and lit up the brass number four on the Dursleys' front door; it crept into their living room, which was almost exactly the same as it had been on the night when Mr. Dursley had seen that fateful news report about the owls.** **Only the photographs on the mantelpiece really showed how much time had passed. Ten years ago, there had been lots of pictures of what looked like a large pink beach ball wearing different-coloured bonnets** –

The chapter was interrupted as even Lucius started laughing at the description of Dudley growing up.

**but Dudley Dursley was no longer a baby, and now the photographs showed a large blond boy riding his first bicycle, on a carousel at the fair, playing a computer game with his father, being hugged and kissed by his mother.**

Hermione had to be called to explain a few terms (Do wizards have bikes and carousels?)

**The room held no sign at all that another boy lived in the house, too.**

'Where's Harry?' Susan asked her aunt who shrugged while Harry's group started glaring at the book. Meanwhile Harry was trying t hide between Hermione and Sirius while laying his head on the table.

**Yet Harry Potter was still there, asleep at the moment, but not for long. His Aunt Petunia was awake and it was her shrill voice that made the first noise of the day.**

**"Up! Get up! Now!"**

'I pity you dearly Potter, her voice has always been shrill and ear bleeding' Snape said with genuine sympathy which none of the Slytherin's failed to notice, though the Gryffindors did and took it for sarcasm (idiots)

**Harry woke with a start. His aunt rapped on the door again.**

**"Up!" she screeched. Harry heard her walking toward the kitchen and then the sound of the frying pan being put on the stove. He rolled onto his back and tried to remember the dream he had been having. It had been a good one. There had been a flying motorcycle in it. He had a funny feeling he'd had the same dream before.**

'He remembers' was murmured around the room.

**His aunt was back outside the door.**

**"Are you up yet?" she demanded.**

**"Nearly," said Harry.**

'Give him a second to realise he's still alive' Sirius shouted at the book as he currently couldn't get his hands on Petunia

**"Well, get a move on, I want you to look after the bacon.**

'Wait a minute, They made you cook? Since when' Was Hermione's outburst and they could see her temper increase from his barely audible reply of 'six'.

**And don't you dare let it burn, I want everything perfect on Duddy's birthday."**

Every child in the hall burst into chuckles and sniggers at Dudley's nickname and removed the awkward tension in the room … for about a minute then it returned with a vengeance.

**Harry groaned.**

**"What did you say?" his aunt snapped through the door.**

**"Nothing, nothing..."**

**Dudley's birthday - how could he have forgotten? Harry got slowly out of bed and started looking for socks. He found a pair under his bed and, after pulling a spider off one of them, put them on. Harry was used to spiders, because the cupboard under the stairs was full of them, **

'And that's relevant how?' called McGonagall looking worried about what this chapter would reveal.

**and that was where he slept.**

It was like a dam burst; every man, woman, and student was calling for the Dursley's and Dumbledore's blood because of it, the most powerful response was actually from Voldemort who's repressed anger flattened a goblet the house elves forgot to remove (imagine a metal chalice or goblet, then drop a wrecking ball on it. Repeat until flat and you'll get the idea). Harry for some reason grabbed Voldy's hand and after quite a jolt of pain a wave of calm passed through both of them 'I was there for 10 years but I'm OK now, I don't stay there now just my stuff'. Snape during this was laying into Dumbledore 'WHAT THE HELL YOU USELESS ARSE! I WAS UNDER THE IMPRETION POTTER WAS TREATED LIKE SOME SPOILED BRAT LIKE HIS FATHER, DOTED ON BY THE F****** MUGGLES AND NOW I HEAR HE'S BEEN ABUSED AND SPELT IN A CUBOARD. HOUSE ELVES ARE TREATED BETTER, I WOULD'VE TREATED HARRY A LOT BETTER IF I'D KNOWN THAT PERFECT LIFE OF HIS WAS A LIE!' he then realised he'd yelled that across most of the Hall and everyone's eyes were now on him. 'Harry, I'm sorry for everything I've done to you over the last 4 and a half years, I'd used you to get back at your father when I should've just let it go and see you were Lily's child as well and give you a fair chance. Can you forgive a spiteful prick?' Harry looked at him and could seeing the sincerity in his words said 'Yes Professor, I understand my father did a lot of terrible things to you over the years and forgive you' to which Harry received a genuine smile usually only seen by the Slytherins in the safety of their common room or his office.

**When he was dressed he went down the hall into the kitchen. The table was almost hidden beneath all Dudley's birthday presents. It looked as though Dudley had gotten the new computer he wanted, not to mention the second television and the racing bike. Exactly why Dudley wanted a racing bike was a mystery to Harry, as Dudley was very fat and hated exercise - unless of course it involved punching somebody. Dudley's favourite punching bag was Harry,**

'When this is over we're killing the muggles' Tom and Bella said together. Harry thought about saying something to try stop them but didn't see the point when either the minister or the Head of the DMLE even batted an eyelid.

**but he couldn't often catch him. Harry didn't look it, but he was very fast.**

**Perhaps it had something to do with living in a dark cupboard, but Harry had always been small and skinny for his age. **

'No that's a Potter trait' informed Lupin and the ones who'd gone to school with James nodded in agreement.

**He looked even smaller and skinnier than he really was because all he had to wear were old clothes of Dudley's, and Dudley was about four times bigger than he was. Harry had a thin face, knobbly knees, black hair, and bright green eyes. He wore round glasses held together with a lot of Scotch tape because of all the times Dudley had punched him on the nose. The only thing Harry liked about his own appearance was a very thin scar on his forehead that was shaped like a bolt of lightning.**

'You liked it?' Tom said looking surprised. Harry responded 'At the time, it was different and cool and I didn't know what it represented'

**He had had it as long as he could remember, and the first question he could ever remember asking his Aunt Petunia was how he had gotten it.**

**"In the car crash when your parents died," she had said. "And don't ask questions."**

'WHAT' Tom yelled 'The muggles say me killing your parents was a car accident?' 'Well they couldn't have told me ; Hey there was this magic guy who killed your magic parents but couldn't kill you, also we're going to beat the magic out of you' Harry replied in false enthusiasm.

**Don't ask questions - that was the first rule for a quiet life with the Dursleys.**

**Uncle Vernon entered the kitchen as Harry was turning over the bacon.**

**"Comb your hair!" he barked, by way of a morning greeting.**

'Good morning to you too'

**About once a week, Uncle Vernon looked over the top of his newspaper and shouted that Harry needed a haircut. Harry must have had more haircuts than the rest of the boys in his class put together, but it made no difference, his hair simply grew that way - all over the place.**

'Ahh yes the Potter crows nest' Remus said nostalgically 'It's how I recognised you so quickly'

**Harry was frying eggs by the time Dudley arrived in the kitchen with his mother. Dudley looked a lot like Uncle Vernon. He had a large pink face, not much neck, small, watery blue eyes, and thick blond hair that lay smoothly on his thick, fat head. Aunt Petunia often said that Dudley looked like a baby angel - Harry often said that Dudley looked like a pig in a wig.**

The Hall burst out laughing at the image created for Dudley

**Harry put the plates of egg and bacon on the table, which was difficult as there wasn't much room. Dudley, meanwhile, was counting his presents. His face fell.**

**"Thirty-six," he said, looking up at his mother and father. "That's two less than last year."**

'That's even more than me, man this kid's spoilt' yelled Draco with nods of agreement from the elder Malfoys.

**"Darling, you haven't counted Auntie Marge's present, see, it's here under this big one from Mummy and Daddy."**

**"All right, thirty-seven then," said Dudley, going red in the face. Harry, who could see a huge Dudley tantrum coming on, began wolfing down his bacon as fast as possible in case Dudley turned the table over.**

'Good idea Harry, never waste food' Ron said receiving odd looks from most of the others 'What? Have you seen how thin he is ? A first year could beat him up physically' Ron countered to which the Hall became silent with thought before many nodded in agreement.

**Aunt Petunia obviously scented danger, too, because she said quickly, "And we'll buy you another two presents while we're out today. How's that, popkin? Two more presents. Is that all right"**

**Dudley thought for a moment. It looked like hard work. Finally he said slowly, "So I'll have thirty... thirty..."**

'Oh for God's sake he can't even count!' moaned Hermione her head resting on Harry's shoulder. The friendly gesture didn't go unnoticed by Dumbledore or the Weasleys, Ron and Ginny were trying to melt the couples brains with their minds but barely had enough brainpower to think never mind spontaneous combustion..

**"Thirty-nine, sweetums," said Aunt Petunia.**

**"Oh." Dudley sat down heavily and grabbed the nearest parcel. "All right then."**

**Uncle Vernon chuckled.**

**"Little tyke wants his money's worth, just like his father. 'Atta boy, Dudley!" He ruffled Dudley's hair.**

'And they encourage him' said Madam Pomfrey angrily.

**At that moment the telephone rang and Aunt Petunia went to answer it while Harry and Uncle Vernon watched Dudley unwrap the racing bike, a video camera, a remote control airplane, sixteen new computer games, and a VCR.**

By now the muggle studies professor decided it would be easier to ask Hermione everything later so took to writing down any muggle items to be clarified later.

**He was ripping the paper off a gold wristwatch when Aunt Petunia came back from the telephone looking both angry and worried.**

**"Bad news, Vernon," she said. "Mrs. Figg's broken her leg. She can't take him." She jerked her head in Harry's direction.**

**Dudley's mouth fell open in horror, but Harry's heart gave a leap. Every year on Dudley's birthday, his parents took him and a friend out for the day, to adventure parks, hamburger restaurants, or the movies. Every year, Harry was left behind with Mrs. Figg, a mad old lady who lived two streets away. Harry hated it there. The whole house smelled of cabbage and Mrs. Figg made him look at photographs of all the cats she'd ever owned.**

**"Now what?" said Aunt Petunia, looking furiously at Harry as though he'd planned this. Harry knew he ought to feel sorry that Mrs. Figg had broken her leg, but it wasn't easy when he reminded himself it would be a whole year before he had to look at Tibbles, Snowy, Mr. Paws, and Tufty again.**

**"We could phone Marge," Uncle Vernon suggested.**

**"Don't be silly, Vernon, she hates the boy."**

'I'm ok with that, I hate her too, see book 3' Harry said with a scowl.

**The Dursleys often spoke about Harry like this, as though he wasn't there - or rather, as though he was something very nasty that couldn't understand them, like a slug.**

**"What about what's-her-name, your friend - Yvonne?"**

**"On vacation in Majorca," snapped Aunt Petunia.**

**"You could just leave me here," Harry put in hopefully (he'd be able to watch what he wanted on television for a change and maybe even have a go on Dudley's computer).**

'Sneaky boy Harry, quite a Slytherin thought'

**Aunt Petunia looked as though she'd just swallowed a lemon.**

'That's how her face always looks, or maybe just when I was around' Snape said with a sneer.

**"And come back and find the house in ruins?" she snarled.**

**"I won't blow up the house," said Harry, but they weren't listening.**

**"I suppose we could take him to the zoo," said Aunt Petunia slowly, "... and leave him in the car..."**

'Harry's Not A Dog!' Hermione yelled at the book then turned to look over Harry's shoulder 'Sorry Sirius'

**"That car's new, he's not sitting in it alone..."**

**Dudley began to cry loudly. In fact, he wasn't really crying - it had been years since he'd really cried - but he knew that if he screwed up his face and wailed, his mother would give him anything he wanted.**

**"Dinky Duddydums,**

The hall chuckled and Harry smiled, happy to get away from the pitying looks he was receiving from most of the Hall. (Have we made fun of Dudley's stupid pet names yet? I didn't think so.)

**don't cry, Mummy won't let him spoil your special day!" she cried, flinging her arms around him.**

**"I... don't... want... him... t-t-to come!" Dudley yelled between huge, pretend sobs. "He always sp-spoils everything!" He shot Harry a nasty grin through the gap in his mother's arms.**

'You little bugger' was the response of the eldest Malfoy, though the looks of everyone around him snapped him out of it and continued reading

**Just then, the doorbell rang - "Oh, good Lord, they're here!" said Aunt Petunia frantically - and a moment later, Dudley's best friend, Piers Polkiss, walked in with his mother. Piers was a scrawny boy with a face like a rat. **

'Just what we need a muggle Pettigrew' Sirius moaned and both Marauder and Death Eater were in agreement on something ''One Rat was bad enough''

**He was usually the one who held people's arms behind their backs while Dudley hit them. Dudley stopped pretending to cry at once.**

**Half an hour later, Harry, who couldn't believe his luck, was sitting in the back of the Dursleys' car with Piers and Dudley, on the way to the zoo for the first time in his life. His aunt and uncle hadn't been able to think of anything else to do with him, but before they'd left, Uncle Vernon had taken Harry aside.**

**"I'm warning you," he had said, putting his large purple face right up close to Harry's, "I'm warning you now, boy - any funny business, anything at all - and you'll be in that cupboard from now until Christmas."**

'Harry, when did this take place?' asked Bellatrix. 'June' Harry replied and understandably the anger towards the Dursley's returned. (According to Harry Potter Wiki it's the 23rd of June)

**"I'm not going to do anything," said Harry, "honestly..."**

**But Uncle Vernon didn't believe him. No one ever did.**

**The problem was, strange things often happened around Harry and it was just no good telling the Dursleys he didn't make them happen.**

**Once, Aunt Petunia, tired of Harry coming back from the barbers looking as though he hadn't been at all, had taken a pair of kitchen scissors and cut his hair so short he was almost bald except for his bangs, which she left "to hide that horrible scar." Dudley had laughed himself silly at Harry, who spent a sleepless night imagining school the next day, where he was already laughed at for his baggy clothes and taped glasses. Next morning, however, he had gotten up to find his hair exactly as it had been before Aunt Petunia had sheared it off.**

'Harry I think you might be a metamorphmagus' Tonks said with undisguised awe.

**He had been given a week in his cupboard for this, even though he had tried to explain that he couldn't explain how it had grown back so quickly.**

**Another time, Aunt Petunia had been trying to force him into a revolting old sweater of Dudley's (brown with orange puff balls). The harder she tried to pull it over his head, the smaller it seemed to become, until finally it might have fitted a hand puppet, but certainly wouldn't fit Harry. Aunt Petunia had decided it must have shrunk in the wash and, to his great relief, Harry wasn't punished.**

**On the other hand, he'd gotten into terrible trouble for being found on the roof of the school kitchens. Dudley's gang had been chasing him as usual when, as much to Harry's surprise as anyone else's, there he was sitting on the chimney.**

There was a stunned silence within the Hall when that was read out, with Tom being the one to break it 'Harry, you apparated?' 'Now I know what that is I suppose so, though I didn't at the time' Harry answered getting embarrassed.

**The Dursleys had received a very angry letter from Harry's headmistress telling them Harry had been climbing school buildings. But all he'd tried to do (as he shouted at Uncle Vernon through the locked door of his cupboard) was jump behind the big trash cans outside the kitchen doors. Harry supposed that the wind must have caught him in mid-jump.**

This answer got a much needed laugh from the listeners the twins said 'Harry you may be light and thin but you can't be picked up by the wind'. Dumbledore to Snaky's amusement and glee was worried and angry '_Even with all the blocks I put on his magic he could still do all this!_' he thought.

**But today, nothing was going to go wrong. It was even worth being with Dudley and Piers to be spending the day somewhere that wasn't school, his cupboard, or Mrs. Figg's cabbage-smelling living room.**

**While he drove, Uncle Vernon complained to Aunt Petunia. He liked to complain about things: people at work, Harry, the council, Harry, the bank, and Harry were just a few of his favourite subjects.**

'He seems almost as Harry obsessed as the wizarding world' Hermione announced surprised. 'And he hates me just as much as they do right now' Harry replied.

**This morning, it was motorcycles.**

'Oh no' Sirius could see where this sentence was taking them and was preparing for the worst.

**"... roaring along like maniacs, the young hoodlums," he said, as a motorcycle overtook them.**

**"I had a dream about a motorcycle," said Harry, remembering suddenly. "It was flying."**

There was a collective face palm from Harry's group as well as the Slytherin and Ravenclaw students at Harry's stupidity and naive thought process.

**Uncle Vernon nearly crashed into the car in front. He turned right around in his seat and yelled at Harry, his face like a gigantic beet with a moustache: "MOTORCYCLES DON'T FLY!"**

**Dudley and Piers sniggered.**

**"I know they don't," said Harry. "It was only a dream."**

**But he wished he hadn't said anything. If there was one thing the Dursleys hated even more than his asking questions, it was his talking about anything acting in a way it shouldn't, no matter if it was in a dream or even a cartoon - they seemed to think he might get dangerous ideas.**

'And we can't have that can we' said Fred/George joked 'No we can not' the other said joining in

**It was a very sunny Saturday and the zoo was crowded with families. The Dursleys bought Dudley and Piers large chocolate ice creams at the entrance and then, because the smiling lady in the van had asked Harry what he wanted before they could hurry him away, they bought him a cheap lemon ice pop. It wasn't bad, either, Harry thought, licking it as they watched a gorilla scratching its head who looked remarkably like Dudley, except that it wasn't blond.**

Harry laughed with rest of the Gryffindors until he felt a smack to his head and saw Luna with an angry look on her face 'don't be mean to the gorilla' she said then sat on Harry's lap. Snaky held in his grin at Luna's randomness and the similarities between the 2 of them (Him and Luna, not Luna and Harry)

**Harry had the best morning he'd had in a long time. He was careful to walk a little way apart from the Dursleys so that Dudley and Piers, who were starting to get bored with the animals by lunchtime, wouldn't fall back on their favourite hobby of hitting him. They ate in the zoo restaurant, and when Dudley had a tantrum because his knickerbocker glory didn't have enough ice cream on top, Uncle Vernon bought him another one and Harry was allowed to finish the first.**

**Harry felt, afterward, that he should have known it was all too good to last.**

'Everyone in favour of renaming Murphy's Law in the wizarding world Harry's Law raise your hand' Snaky said and most of Gryffindor along with quite a bit of Slytherin and almost all the DA raised their hands 'Agreed!'

**After lunch they went to the reptile house. It was cool and dark in there, with lit windows all along the walls. Behind the glass, all sorts of lizards and snakes were crawling and slithering over bits of wood and stone.**

Nagini smiled at the sound of the place, if she didn't already know she would have seen it as like a vacation home for snakes.

**Dudley and Piers wanted to see huge, poisonous cobras and thick, man-crushing pythons.**

**Dudley quickly found the largest snake in the place. It could have wrapped its body twice around Uncle Vernon's car and crushed it into a trash can - but at the moment it didn't look in the mood. In fact, it was fast asleep. Dudley stood with his nose pressed against the glass, staring at the glistening brown coils.**

'Poor guy having to look at that whale of a boy' Tom said and both Harry and Nagini nodded in agreement

**"Make it move," he whined at his father. Uncle Vernon tapped on the glass, but the snake didn't budge.**

**"Do it again," Dudley ordered. Uncle Vernon rapped the glass smartly with his knuckles, but the snake just snoozed on.**

**"This is boring," Dudley moaned. He shuffled away.**

**Harry moved in front of the tank and looked intently at the snake. He wouldn't have been surprised if it had died of boredom itself - no company except stupid people drumming their fingers on the glass trying to disturb it all day long. It was worse than having a cupboard as a bedroom, where the only visitor was Aunt Petunia hammering on the door to wake you up; at least he got to visit the rest of the house.**

'Harry I didn't think it was possible but you just made you life sound even more depressing, something it needs no help with' Moody said in his usual growling voice.

**The snake suddenly opened its beady eyes. Slowly, very slowly, it raised its head until its eyes were on a level with Harry's.**

**It winked.**

'Ok that was weird' Luna said in just above a whisper 'It's Harry …' '…What did you expect' the twins replied.

**Harry stared. Then he looked quickly around to see if anyone was watching. They weren't. He looked back at the snake and winked, too.**

**The snake jerked its head toward Uncle Vernon and Dudley, then raised its eyes to the ceiling. It gave Harry a look that said quite plainly:**

**"I get that all the time."**

**"I know," Harry murmured through the glass, though he wasn't sure the snake could hear him. "It must be really annoying."**

Most of the Hall gasped as they either didn't know or had forgotten Harry was a parselmouth. '_He really is a menace and a Dark Wizard_' thought Umbridge.

**The snake nodded vigorously.**

**"Where do you come from, anyway?" Harry asked.**

**The snake jabbed its tail at a little sign next to the glass. Harry peered at it.**

**Boa Constrictor, Brazil.**

**"Was it nice there?"**

'Always so polite, incredible considering your … background' squeaked Professor Flitwick.

**The boa constrictor jabbed its tail at the sign again and Harry read on: This specimen was bred in the zoo. "Oh, I see - so you've never been to Brazil?"**

**As the snake shook its head, a deafening shout behind Harry made both of them jump. "DUDLEY! MR. DURSLEY! COME AND LOOK AT THIS SNAKE! YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT IT'S DOING!"**

There was a collective groan at the muggles interruption to Harry's most cheerful moment in the book so far. Which was really sad when they really though about it

**Dudley came waddling toward them as fast as he could.**

'Dudley the amazing human penguin!' The twins announced and Luna repeated her slap and 'respect the animals' talk with the Weasley pranksters.

**"Out of the way, you," he said, punching Harry in the ribs. Caught by surprise, Harry fell hard on the concrete floor. What came next happened so fast no one saw how it happened - one second, Piers and Dudley were leaning right up close to the glass, the next, they had leapt back with howls of horror.**

'Yay! Payback' Shouted Lee with the twins joining in on the cheers.

**Harry sat up and gasped; the glass front of the boa constrictor's tank had vanished. The great snake was uncoiling itself rapidly, slithering out onto the floor. People throughout the reptile house screamed and started running for the exits.**

'Where Harry goes chaos follows' Snaky announced sagely and Harry didn't deny it as it was at least partly true.

**As the snake slid swiftly past him, Harry could have sworn a low, hissing voice said, "Brazil, here I come... Thanksss, amigo."**

'Such a nice snake' Luna said dreamily

**The keeper of the reptile house was in shock.**

**"But the glass," he kept saying, "where did the glass go?"**

**The zoo director himself made Aunt Petunia a cup of strong, sweet tea while he apologized over and over again. Piers and Dudley could only gibber. As far as Harry had seen, the snake hadn't done anything except snap playfully at their heels as it passed, but by the time they were all back in Uncle Vernon's car, Dudley was telling them how it had nearly bitten off his leg, while Piers was swearing it had tried to squeeze him to death. But worst of all, for Harry at least, was Piers calming down enough to say, "Harry was talking to it, weren't you, Harry?"**

Cue face plants of everyone who didn't hate Harry (Which was increasing with every chapter, to a certain toad's displeasure) at this muggles continued idiocy.

**Uncle Vernon waited until Piers was safely out of the house before starting on Harry. He was so angry he could hardly speak. He managed to say, "Go - cupboard - stay - no meals," before he collapsed into a chair, and Aunt Petunia had to run and get him a large brandy.**

'Just what we need, a drunken magic hating muggle' Amelia said with a sigh. 'You haven't seen nothing yet' Harry called over thinking about the 3rd book again

**Harry lay in his dark cupboard much later, wishing he had a watch. He didn't know what time it was and he couldn't be sure the Dursleys were asleep yet. Until they were, he couldn't risk sneaking to the kitchen for some food.**

'So that's how you're so good at sneaking around' Snape said with a eureka look on his face.

**He'd lived with the Dursleys almost ten years, ten miserable years, as long as he could remember, ever since he'd been a baby and his parents had died in that car crash. He couldn't remember being in the car when his parents had died. Sometimes, when he strained his memory during long hours in his cupboard, he came up with a strange vision: a blinding flash of green light and a burning pain on his forehead. **

Tom flinched and hissed an apology to Harry. There was nothing else he could do after all, it's not like he could give the boy a family (Remember this it may be important later. Or not.)

**This, he supposed, was the crash, though he couldn't imagine where all the green light came from. He couldn't remember his parents at all. His aunt and uncle never spoke about them, and of course he was forbidden to ask questions. There were no photographs of them in the house.**

Even the utter basterd of the Weasley family couldn't help but feel bad for Harry, never knowing who he parents were or even what they looked like. Harry noticed the pitying looks he was getting and announced 'I' OK now on that department, Hagrid gave me a photo album the end of 1st year'

**When he had been younger, Harry had dreamed and dreamed of some unknown relation coming to take him away, but it had never happened; the Dursleys were his only family.**

'Actually that's not true' came the voice of Narcissa Malfoy 'Your grandmother was a Black and as the magical world tries putting magical orphans with magical parents you could have lived with us. More likely though you would have lived with my sister Andy, who is your friend Dora's mother' This piece of information increased the growing anger within Harry aimed towards the Head master. The fact Dumbledore still wouldn't look at him even now didn't help matters

**Yet sometimes he thought (or maybe hoped) that strangers in the street seemed to know him. Very strange strangers they were, too. A tiny man in a violet top hat had bowed to him once while out shopping with Aunt Petunia and Dudley. After asking Harry furiously if he knew the man, Aunt Petunia had rushed them out of the shop without buying anything. A wild-looking old woman dressed all in green had waved merrily at him once on a bus. A bald man in a very long purple coat had actually shaken his hand in the street the other day and then walked away without a word. The weirdest thing about all these people was the way they seemed to vanish the second Harry tried to get a closer look.**

**At school, Harry had no one. Everybody knew that Dudley's gang hated that odd Harry Potter in his baggy old clothes and broken glasses, and nobody liked to disagree with Dudley's gang.**

'That's the end of chapter 2' Lucius said fitting the bookmark Snaky put in the back of the book in it. 'Father may I read next?' came the voice of Draco Malfoy, as no body else was trying to volunteer he thought '' What the hell'' and offered. The Malfoy head shrugged and handed the book to him with a simple 'hear you go then'.

TBC

LW: Well this is going well I hope. By the way I've almost decided and my brain is 87% percent sure this will be Harry/Hermione. There's still room for changes but it's unlikely. Sorry for anyone who tunes in and doesn't like the pairing, all I can say is live with it or stop reading though you can still read for a few more books as it won't be anything immediate.

Snaky: Are there any soul-bonds in our future?

LW: (Shrugs) I haven't gotten that far in the planning so far but who knows. I certainly don't.

_**R&R people**_ (You've been so good with it so far)

P.S. Chapters 3 and 4 will be uploaded together due to them feeling kinda linked (end of 3 seems like a cliff-hanger for 4) so that's why, 3 is almost done by the way so you won't have long to wait.


	4. 3: Letters From No-One

LW: Well time to let the rest of the world make contact with Harry.

_**Hogwarts reads the Harry Potter Books – Snaky edition.**_ _**Chapter 3**_

Draco opened the book but before he began stood up and said 'Before I read this chapter seeing as I have the floor I want to apologise to you Harry for being a complete basterd to you for the past 4 and a half years, I hated you for stupid reasons and then it became part of how I lived. I know I don't deserve it but even after what little I've heard so far I know you have a bigger heart than you should, I mean I don't know how you haven't turned dark, killed Voldemort with your bare hands and taken over the wizarding world yourself already' a grin at the last part trying to show he was joking 'So what do you say, Do over?'. Harry stood and walked over to the Slytherin table 'I'd like that' He said. 'Ok, Hi I'm Draco Malfoy' 'Harry Potter' 'Want to be friends' 'Sure I suppose' both smiled, shook hands and Harry returned to his seat. 'Now that that's over let's return to hating Harry's relatives!' he said and got agreement around the Hall from both students and teachers.

**Chapter 3 Letters from No One**

'How can they be from no one?' asked a 1st year Hufflepuff. 'It must mean his Hogwarts letter' Susan answered to which Harry nodded in confirmation.

**The escape of the Brazilian boa constrictor earned Harry his longest-ever punishment. By the time he was allowed out of his cupboard again, the summer holidays had started and Dudley had already broken his new video camera, crashed his remote control airplane, and, first time out on his racing bike, knocked down old Mrs. Figg as she crossed Privet Drive on her crutches.**

'What a horrid child' said Professor Sprout.

**Harry was glad school was over, but there was no escaping Dudley's gang, who visited the house every single day. Piers, Dennis, Malcolm, and Gordon were all big and stupid, but as Dudley was the biggest and stupidest of the lot, he was the leader.**

'Like Malfoy's gang with Crabbe or Goyle as the leader, either because I don't know which one is bigger' Harry said to help the confused wizards visualise that sort of arrangement. '_Or the ministry of magic run by Fu… never mind_' Snaky though

**The rest of them were all quite happy to join in Dudley's favourite sport: Harry Hunting.**

This got growls from the remaining marauders which Harry had to calm down before they could continue.

**This was why Harry spent as much time as possible out of the house, wandering around and thinking about the end of the holidays, where he could see a tiny ray of hope. When September came he would be going off to secondary school and, for the first time in his life, he wouldn't be with Dudley. Dudley had been accepted at Uncle Vernon's old private school, Smeltings. Piers Polkiss was going there too. Harry, on the other hand, was going to **

'HOGWARTS' yelled most of Harry's year group and all of Gryffindor, something the adults (Except Fudge and Toad) smiled about as it showed that he was at least cared about here.

**Stonewall High, the local public school. Dudley thought this was very funny.**

**"They stuff people's heads down the toilet the first day at Stonewall," he told Harry. "Want to come upstairs and practice?"**

**"No, thanks," said Harry. "The poor toilet's never had anything as horrible as your head down it - it might be sick." Then he ran, before Dudley could work out what he'd said.**

Sirius laughed so hard at this he fell backwards off the bench, which turned the laughter towards him. 'Now there's the boy I expected from James Potter' Snape said but without the usual malice in his voice. 'Did he ever figure out what you meant Harry?' Draco asked curiously, 'No but he knew it wasn't nice which was enough of an excuse to get me in trouble for it.' Harry said glumly 'It was worth it though' was said much more cheerfully.

**One day in July, Aunt Petunia took Dudley to London to buy his Smeltings uniform, leaving Harry at Mrs. Figg's. Mrs. Figg wasn't as bad as usual. It turned out she'd broken her leg tripping over one of her cats, and she didn't seem quite as fond of them as before. She let Harry watch television and gave him a bit of chocolate cake that tasted as though she'd had it for several years.**

'It was cake, or more importantly it was food and that's all I cared about at the time' Harry defended

**That evening, Dudley paraded around the living room for the family in his brand-new uniform. Smeltings' boys wore maroon tailcoats, orange knickerbockers, and flat straw hats called boaters. **

The general populace of the Hall were glad for the cheerful respite for now in this chapter.

**They also carried knobbly sticks, used for hitting each other while the teachers weren't looking. This was supposed to be good training for later life.**

'How?' questioned Collin Creevy receiving shrugs along the table.

**As he looked at Dudley in his new knickerbockers, Uncle Vernon said gruffly that it was the proudest moment of his life. Aunt Petunia burst into tears and said she couldn't believe it was her Ickle Dudleykins, **(Pause for laughter)** he looked so handsome and grown-up. Harry didn't trust himself to speak. He thought two of his ribs might already have cracked from trying not to laugh.**

'That's our Harry' the twins chorused jumping up and grabbing Harry before pulling him into one armed hugs.

**There was a horrible smell in the kitchen the next morning when Harry went in for breakfast. It seemed to be coming from a large metal tub in the sink. He went to have a look. The tub was full of what looked like dirty rags swimming in grey water.**

**"What's this?" he asked Aunt Petunia. Her lips tightened as they always did if he dared to ask a question.**

**"Your new school uniform," she said.**

**Harry looked in the bowl again.**

**"Oh," he said, "I didn't realize it had to be so wet."**

There were several chuckles from 1st years at that.

**"Don't be stupid," snapped Aunt Petunia. "I'm dyeing some of Dudley's old things grey for you. It'll look just like everyone else's when I've finished."**

'No it won't'

**Harry seriously doubted this, but thought it best not to argue. He sat down at the table and tried not to think about how he was going to look on his first day at Stonewall High - like he was wearing bits of old elephant skin, probably.**

'Harry! Skinning your relatives is illegal, I think' Snaky jokingly scolded.

**Dudley and Uncle Vernon came in, both with wrinkled noses because of the smell from Harry's new uniform. Uncle Vernon opened his newspaper as usual and Dudley banged his Smelting stick, which he carried everywhere, on the table.**

**They heard the click of the mail slot and flop of letters on the doormat.**

**"Get the mail, Dudley," said Uncle Vernon from behind his paper.**

'He asked the oaf to do something!' McGonagall said surprised

**"Make Harry get it."**

**"Get the mail, Harry."**

'And all is back to normal' Madame Hooch said annoyed

**"Make Dudley get it."**

**"Poke him with your Smelting stick, Dudley."**

The Staff glared at the book for Vernon actually encouraging Dudley to hurt Harry (Not that he needed it)

**Harry dodged the Smelting stick and went to get the mail. Three things lay on the doormat: a postcard from Uncle Vernon's sister Marge, who was vacationing on the Isle of Wight, a brown envelope that looked like a bill, and - a letter for Harry.**

'YAY' chorused most of the Hall

**Harry picked it up and stared at it, his heart twanging like a giant elastic band. No one, ever, in his whole life, had written to him. Who would? He had no friends, no other relatives - he didn't belong to the library, so he'd never even got rude notes asking for books back. Yet here it was, a letter, addressed so plainly there could be no mistake:**

**Mr. H. Potter**

**The Cupboard under the Stairs**

'DUMBLEDORE!' Yelled McGonagall 'How could you send off a letter with that address on it, don't you even check?'

**4 Privet Drive**

**Little Whinging**

**Surrey**

**The envelope was thick and heavy, made of yellowish parchment, and the address was written in emerald-green ink. There was no stamp.**

Stamp was added to the list for pureblood references.

**Turning the envelope over, his hand trembling, Harry saw a purple wax seal bearing a coat of arms; a lion, **'Gryffindor!'** an eagle, **'Ravenclaw!'** a badger,** 'Hufflepuff!'** and a snake **'Slytherin!'** surrounding a large letter H.**

**"Hurry up, boy!" shouted Uncle Vernon from the kitchen. "What are you doing, checking for letter bombs?" He chuckled at his own joke.**

**Harry went back to the kitchen, still staring at his letter. He handed Uncle Vernon the bill and the postcard, sat down, and slowly began to open the yellow envelope.**

Several people could see what was coming and prepared for the fallout.

**Uncle Vernon ripped open the bill, snorted in disgust, and flipped over the postcard.**

**"Marge's ill," he informed Aunt Petunia. "Ate a funny whelk..."**

Harry laughed at her misfortune, nobody caring enough to tell him off.

**"Dad!" said Dudley suddenly. "Dad, Harry's got something!"**

'Shut up you useless tosser' Bill yelled at the book most people having similar thoughts.

**Harry was on the point of unfolding his letter, which was written on the same heavy parchment as the envelope, when it was jerked sharply out of his hand by Uncle Vernon.**

**"That's mine!" said Harry, trying to snatch it back.**

Draco chuckled 'Like that will stop him Harry'

**"Who'd be writing to you?" sneered Uncle Vernon,**

'I did' Chorused across the hall, many of the students blushing at the admittance.

**shaking the letter open with one hand and glancing at it. His face went from red to green faster than a set of traffic lights. And it didn't stop there. Within seconds it was the greyish white of old porridge.**

**"P-P-Petunia!" he gasped.**

**Dudley tried to grab the letter to read it, but Uncle Vernon held it high out of his reach. Aunt Petunia took it curiously and read the first line. For a moment it looked as though she might faint. She clutched her throat and made a choking noise.**

**"Vernon! Oh my goodness - Vernon!"**

**They stared at each other, seeming to have forgotten that Harry and Dudley were still in the room. Dudley wasn't used to being ignored. He gave his father a sharp tap on the head with his Smelting stick.**

**"I want to read that letter," he said loudly.**

'And he thinks he's allowed because?' Luna asked. Harry replied 'He's used to getting what he wants, why should the letter be different just because it has my name on it'

**"I want to read it," said Harry furiously, "as it's mine."**

**"Get out, both of you," croaked Uncle Vernon, stuffing the letter back inside its envelope.**

**Harry didn't move.**

**"I WANT MY LETTER!" he shouted.**

'Beware the Evan's temper' Sirius said with an eerie air to it.

**"Let me see it!" demanded Dudley.**

**"OUT!" roared Uncle Vernon, and he took both Harry and Dudley by the scruffs of their necks and threw them into the hall, slamming the kitchen door behind them. Harry and Dudley promptly had a furious but silent fight over who would listen at the keyhole; Dudley won, so Harry, his glasses dangling from one ear, lay flat on his stomach to listen at the crack between door and floor.**

**"Vernon," Aunt Petunia was saying in a quivering voice, "look at the address - how could they possibly know where he sleeps? You don't think they're watching the house?"**

'We are now but why would we be doing it back then, we had better things to do' Moody growled and Harry looked annoyed that even though the house was being watched he still got attacked.

**"Watching - spying - might be following us," muttered Uncle Vernon wildly.**

**"But what should we do, Vernon? Should we write back? Tell them we don't want-"**

'Wouldn't have worked, they would've just sent a professor to see the child and ask in person' Amelia said matter-of-fact-ly.

**Harry could see Uncle Vernon's shiny black shoes pacing up and down the kitchen.**

**"No," he said finally. "No, we'll ignore it. If they don't get an answer... Yes, that's best... we won't do anything..."**

**"But-"**

**"I'm not having one in the house, Petunia! Didn't we swear when we took him in we'd stamp out that dangerous nonsense?"**

Sirius growled at 'stamp out that nonsense' now he was back they would never lay a finger on Harry ever again.

**That evening when he got back from work, Uncle Vernon did something he'd never done before; he visited Harry in his cupboard.**

'How did he fit' a random student asked, 'I don't know, in fact if I hadn't been there I wouldn't have believed it myself' Harry answered

**"Where's my letter?" said Harry, the moment Uncle Vernon had squeezed through the door. "Who's writing to me?"**

**"No one. It was addressed to you by mistake," said Uncle Vernon shortly. **

'Like he's going to believe that' Theodore Nott drawled getting sniggers from Slytherin House.

**"I have burned it."**

**"It was not a mistake," said Harry angrily, "it had my cupboard on it."**

**"SILENCE!" yelled Uncle Vernon, and a couple of spiders fell from the ceiling.**

Snaky smiled at the visible shudder from Ron at the mention of spider most likely falling on Harry.

**He took a few deep breaths and then forced his face into a smile, which looked quite painful.**

**"Er - yes, Harry - about this cupboard. Your aunt and I have been thinking... you're really getting a bit big for it... we think it might be nice if you moved into Dudley's second bedroom.**

'2 Bedrooms! What is he too fat for one so needs two in order to sleep' Pansy shouted looking annoyed almost to a Snape level.

**"Why?" said Harry.**

**"Don't ask questions!" snapped his uncle. "Take this stuff upstairs, now."**

**The Dursleys' house had four bedrooms: one for Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia, one for visitors (usually Uncle Vernon's sister, Marge), one where Dudley slept, and one where Dudley kept all the toys and things that wouldn't fit into his first bedroom. It only took Harry one trip upstairs to move everything he owned from the cupboard to this room. He sat down on the bed and stared around him. Nearly everything in here was broken. **

'So basically the room is a trash heap indoors?' Harry nodded.

**The month-old video camera was lying on top of a small, working tank Dudley had once driven over the next door neighbour's dog; in the corner was Dudley's first-ever television set, which he'd put his foot through when his favourite program had been cancelled; there was a large birdcage, which had once held a parrot that Dudley had swapped at school for a real air rifle, which was up on a shelf with the end all bent because Dudley had sat on it. Other shelves were full of books. They were the only things in the room that looked as though they'd never been touched.**

Hermione and the Ravens had their mouths open in horror at the for them sacrilege of leaving books unread. Harry calmed her with an arm around her waist and she leant into him. Luna who'd since moved to the seat beside Bellatrix smiled at the fluffy moment.

**From downstairs came the sound of Dudley bawling at his mother, I don't want him in there... I need that room... make him get out..."**

**Harry sighed and stretched out on the bed. Yesterday he'd have given anything to be up here. Today he'd rather be back in his cupboard with that letter than up here without it.**

Every muggleborn in the Hall but the 1st years could agree with the sentiment as they wouldn't give up their time in Hogwarts for anything. (1st years only know Umbridge so they're 50/50 on whether it was better to be here or not)

**Next morning at breakfast, everyone was rather quiet. Dudley was in shock. He'd screamed, whacked his father with his Smelting stick, been sick on purpose, kicked his mother, and thrown his tortoise through the greenhouse roof, and he still didn't have his room back. Harry was thinking about this time yesterday and bitterly wishing he'd opened the letter in the hall. Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia kept looking at each other darkly.**

**When the mail arrived, Uncle Vernon, who seemed to be trying to be nice to Harry, made Dudley go and get it. **

'That wasn't being nice that was to make sure I didn't take any letters that arrived for me' Harry said glumly.

**They heard him banging things with his Smelting stick all the way down the hall. Then he shouted, "There's another one! 'Mr. H. Potter, The Smallest Bedroom, 4 Privet Drive - '"**

**With a strangled cry, Uncle Vernon leapt from his seat and ran down the hall, Harry right behind him. Uncle Vernon had to wrestle Dudley to the ground to get the letter from him, which was made difficult by the fact that Harry had grabbed Uncle Vernon around the neck from behind. **

'The patented Potter attack grab! Remember this for later' Snaky said with a smile directed at Harry.

**After a minute of confused fighting, in which everyone got hit a lot by the Smelting stick, Uncle Vernon straightened up, gasping for breath, with Harry's letter clutched in his hand.**

**"Go to your cupboard - I mean, your bedroom," he wheezed at Harry. "Dudley - go - just go."**

**Harry walked round and round his new room. Someone knew he had moved out of his cupboard and they seemed to know he hadn't received his first letter. Surely that meant they'd try again? And this time he'd make sure they didn't fail. He had a plan.**

Everyone familiar with 'Harry Potter approved' plans groaned as they knew it meant it would fail, hopefully it would fail spectacularly.

**The repaired alarm clock rang at six o'clock the next morning. Harry turned it off quickly and dressed silently. He mustn't wake the Dursleys. He stole downstairs without turning on any of the lights.**

**He was going to wait for the postman on the corner of Privet Drive and get the letters for number four first.**

'That's not going to work' Tonks singsonged getting glares from her house 'What, I want it to work but it's Harry's plan not Hermione's so chances are it will fail. Harry's good with make shit up interactions, Hermione is the planner'. 'James and Lily as well as me and Lupin were like that. Me and James were the seat of our pants type of people while Lily and Remus always had at least 3 plans to do something, which in hind sight might be why pranking her was so hard' Sirius told Harry the last part slightly groaned

**His heart hammered as he crept across the dark hall toward the front door -**

**"AAAAARRRGH!"**

**Harry leapt into the air; he'd trodden on something big and squashy on the doormat - something alive!**

'Let me guess, you stood on your uncles' fat head' Bellatrix whispered with a grin.

**Lights clicked on upstairs and to his horror Harry realized that the big, squashy something had been his uncle's face. Uncle Vernon had been lying at the foot of the front door in a sleeping bag, clearly making sure that Harry didn't do exactly what he'd been trying to do. He shouted at Harry for about half an hour and then told him to go and make a cup of tea. Harry shuffled miserably off into the kitchen and by the time he got back, the mail had arrived, right into Uncle Vernon's lap. Harry could see three letters addressed in green ink.**

**"I want - " he began, but Uncle Vernon was tearing the letters into pieces before his eyes.**

**Uncle Vernon didn't go to work that day. He stayed at home and nailed up the mail slot.**

**"See," he explained to Aunt Petunia through a mouthful of nails, "if they can't deliver them they'll just give up."**

Some of the older witches and wizards chuckled '_That's not how it works_' they thought

**"I'm not sure that'll work, Vernon."**

**"Oh, these people's minds work in strange ways, Petunia, they're not like you and me," said Uncle Vernon, trying to knock in a nail with the piece of fruitcake Aunt Petunia had just brought him.**

'That is something we're eternally grateful for' Lee said.

**On Friday, no less than twelve letters arrived for Harry. As they couldn't go through the mail slot they had been pushed under the door, slotted through the sides, and a few even forced through the small window in the downstairs bathroom.**

'Owls are a lot more intelligent than I gave them credit for' Snaky said with awe and completely obvious respect.

**Uncle Vernon stayed at home again. After burning all the letters, he got out a hammer and nails and boarded up the cracks around the front and back doors so no one could go out. He hummed "Tiptoe Through the Tulips" as he worked, and jumped at small noises.**

'He makes Moody look sane' Tonks commented, ignoring the glare she was getting from the Ex-Auror.

**On Saturday, things began to get out of hand. Twenty-four letters to Harry found their way into the house, rolled up and hidden inside each of the two dozen eggs that their very confused milkman had handed Aunt Petunia through the living room window. While Uncle Vernon made furious telephone calls to the post office and the dairy trying to find someone to complain to, Aunt Petunia shredded the letters in her food processor.**

**"Who on earth wants to talk to you this badly?" Dudley asked Harry in amazement.**

'Us!' called the twins 'We need to discuss things with our business partner and Patron'.

**On Sunday morning, Uncle Vernon sat down at the breakfast table looking tired and rather ill, but happy.**

**"No post on Sundays," he reminded them cheerfully as he spread marmalade on his newspapers, "no damn letters today-"**

'It doesn't work that way here' called a blond Slytherin named Daphne Greengrass.

**Something came whizzing down the kitchen chimney as he spoke and caught him sharply on the back of the head. Next moment, thirty or forty letters came pelting out of the fireplace like bullets. **

Bullets and gun (because of relevance) were added to the list.

**The Dursleys ducked, but Harry leapt into the air trying to catch one -**

'And you couldn't have picked one up off the ground because?' asked Kingsley. 'Because Harry Potter doesn't do things logically or normally' answered Draco, Harry's Quidditch team added 'because he's the best seeker there's ever been' looking over at Harry who blushed.

**"Out! OUT!"**

**Uncle Vernon seized Harry around the waist and threw him into the hall. When Aunt Petunia and Dudley had run out with their arms over their faces, Uncle Vernon slammed the door shut. They could hear the letters still streaming into the room, bouncing off the walls and floor.**

'How could Hogwarts afford to send thousands of letters to Harry, why not just send McGonagall or Snape even' Hermione asked and just received several shrugs.

**"That does it," said Uncle Vernon, trying to speak calmly but pulling great tufts out of his moustache at the same time. "I want you all back here in five minutes ready to leave. We're going away. Just pack some clothes. No arguments!"**

**He looked so dangerous with half his moustache missing that no one dared argue. Ten minutes later they had wrenched their way through the boarded-up doors and were in the car, speeding toward the highway. Dudley was sniffling in the back seat; his father had hit him round the head for holding them up while he tried to pack his television, VCR, and computer in his sports bag.**

Across the hall there were several outbursts of 'idiot' and 'moron' accompanied by several face palms.

**They drove. And they drove. Even Aunt Petunia didn't dare ask where they were going. Every now and then Uncle Vernon would take a sharp turn and drive in the opposite direction for a while.**

'Is he lost or something' asked a Slytherin jokingly

**"Shake 'em off... shake 'em off," he would mutter whenever he did this.**

'Yep totally lost it' Seamus said with a grin.

**They didn't stop to eat or drink all day. By nightfall Dudley was howling. He'd never had such a bad day in his life. He was hungry, he'd missed five television programs he'd wanted to see, and he'd never gone so long without blowing up an alien on his computer.**

**Uncle Vernon stopped at last outside a gloomy-looking hotel on the outskirts of a big city. Dudley and Harry shared a room with twin beds and damp, musty sheets. Dudley snored but Harry stayed awake, sitting on the windowsill, staring down at the lights of passing cars and wondering...**

**They ate stale cornflakes and cold tinned tomatoes on toast for breakfast the next day. They had just finished when the owner of the hotel came over to their table.**

**"'Scuse me, but is one of you Mr. H. Potter? Only I got about an 'undred of these at the front desk."**

Several people laughed at the image of the front desk buried under Harry's Hogwarts letters.

**She held up a letter so they could read the green ink address:**

**Mr. H. Potter**

**Room 17**

**Railview Hotel**

**Cokeworth**

**Harry made a grab for the letter but Uncle Vernon knocked his hand out of the way. The woman stared.**

**"I'll take them," said Uncle Vernon, standing up quickly and following her from the dining room.**

**"Wouldn't it be better just to go home, dear?" Aunt Petunia suggested timidly, hours later, but Uncle Vernon didn't seem to hear her. Exactly what he was looking for, none of them knew. He drove them into the middle of a forest, got out, looked around, shook his head, got back in the car, and off they went again. The same thing happened in the middle of a ploughed field, halfway across a suspension bridge, and at the top of a multilevel parking garage.**

**"Daddy's gone mad, hasn't he?" Dudley asked Aunt Petunia dully late that afternoon. Uncle Vernon had parked at the coast, locked them all inside the car, and disappeared.**

'Took you long enough' said Blaise with a bored undertone (The film's Dudley was smarter, though that may be because they couldn't make the other scenes either through costs or not being bothered)

**It started to rain. Great drops beat on the roof of the car. Dudley snivelled.**

**"It's Monday," he told his mother. "The Great Humberto's on tonight. I want to stay somewhere with a television."**

**Monday. This reminded Harry of something. If it was Monday - and you could usually count on Dudley to know the days the week, because of television - then tomorrow, Tuesday, was Harry's eleventh birthday. **

There was a chorus of cheers at the statement and Harry blushed then tried hide behind Sirius who just grinned towards Hermione, well before she hit him; in the shoulder of course (luckily it wasn't his face, remember POA Draco)

**Of course, his birthdays were never exactly fun - last year, the Dursleys had given him a coat hanger and a pair of Uncle Vernon's old socks. Still, you weren't eleven every day.**

'How the hell are you so optimistic Potter' Tom asked with visible disbelief. 'It stops me offering myself to you on a silver platter' Harry answered emotionlessly and his group looked sadly at him, Tom and Bella most of all.

**Uncle Vernon was back and he was smiling. He was also carrying a long, thin package and didn't answer Aunt Petunia when she asked what he'd bought.**

**"Found the perfect place!" he said. "Come on! Everyone out!"**

**It was very cold outside the car. Uncle Vernon was pointing at what looked like a large rock way out at sea. Perched on top of the rock was the most miserable little shack you could imagine. One thing was certain, there was no television in there.**

'Muggles must have a different definition of perfect' sneered Lucius who received a smack to the back of his head 'It's good for remoteness because the muggles can't use a ward to stop the owls finding their location' Narcissa scolded.

**"Storm forecast for tonight!" said Uncle Vernon gleefully, clapping his hands together. "And this gentleman's kindly agreed to lend us his boat!"**

**A toothless old man came ambling up to them, pointing, with a rather wicked grin, at an old rowboat bobbing in the iron-grey water below them.**

'Is that thing sea-worthy?' asked Hermione, 'Apparently' answered Harry

**"I've already got us some rations," said Uncle Vernon, "so all aboard!"**

**It was freezing in the boat. Icy sea spray and rain crept down their necks and a chilly wind whipped their faces. After what seemed like hours they reached the rock, where Uncle Vernon, slipping and sliding, led the way to the broken-down house.**

'This place in gonna make Hagrid's hut look like Malfoy or Potter Manor isn't it? Draco asked 'Don't know about Potter but the Malfoy Manor comparison I'll agree with' Harry said glumly and many purebloods were surprised, how could Potter not know anything about his heritage or inheritance.

**The inside was horrible; it smelled strongly of seaweed, the wind whistled through the gaps in the wooden walls, and the fireplace was damp and empty. There were only two rooms.**

'I will never make fun of Hagrid's home again' Draco swore.

**Uncle Vernon's rations turned out to be a bag of chips each and four bananas. He tried to start a fire but the empty chip bags just smoked and shrivelled up.**

**"Could do with some of those letters now, eh?" he said cheerfully.**

'Cheeky boy, mister Potter' McGonagall said with a smile.

**He was in a very good mood. Obviously he thought nobody stood a chance of reaching them here in a storm to deliver mail. Harry privately agreed, though the thought didn't cheer him up at all.**

**As night fell, the promised storm blew up around them. Spray from the high waves splattered the walls of the hut and a fierce wind rattled the filthy windows. Aunt Petunia found a few mouldy blankets in the second room and made up a bed for Dudley on the moth-eaten sofa. She and Uncle Vernon went off to the lumpy bed next door, and Harry was left to find the softest bit of floor he could and to curl up under the thinnest, most ragged blanket.**

The book was lucky not to have spontaneously combusted from the hateful glares it was receiving.

**The storm raged more and more ferociously as the night went on. Harry couldn't sleep. He shivered and turned over, trying to get comfortable, his stomach rumbling with hunger. Dudley's snores were drowned by the low rolls of thunder that started near midnight. The lighted dial of Dudley's watch, which was dangling over the edge of the sofa on his fat wrist, told Harry he'd be eleven in ten minutes' time. He lay and watched his birthday tick nearer, wondering if the Dursleys would remember at all, wondering where the letter writer was now.**

'In his office, plotting' Snaky said no humour recognisable in his voice

**Five minutes to go. Harry heard something creak outside. He hoped the roof wasn't going to fall in, although he might be warmer if it did. Four minutes to go. Maybe the house in Privet Drive would be so full of letters when they got back that he'd be able to steal one somehow.**

**Three minutes to go. Was that the sea, slapping hard on the rock like that? And (two minutes to go) what was that funny crunching noise? Was the rock crumbling into the sea?**

People were starting to get worried , what was going on.

**One minute to go and he'd be eleven. Thirty seconds... twenty... ten... nine - maybe he'd wake Dudley up, just to annoy him - three... two... one...**

**BOOM.**

Narcissa Malfoy reading over her son's shoulder noticed where the chapter was going and cast the Sonarus charm on him the moment before the 'Boom' so everyone in the Hall jumped and the Ex-Black now Malfoy let out a now uncharacteristic giggle while Sirius and Bella started laughing, neither sure whether it was the 'prank' that was pulled or that they might have the old Cissa back. After everyone's hearts returned to normal rhythm Draco finished the chapter…

**The whole shack shivered and Harry sat bolt upright, staring at the door. Someone was outside, knocking to come in.**

'And that's the end…' Draco said returning the book mark '… so who's next?'. 'I believe it should be Hagrid who reads this chapter, he seems the most 'fitting' person to do it' Snaky said as he levitated the book to the proud looking half-giant. Do you have all the readers planned out?' asked Charlie Weasley. 'No not all of them but I want Lee to read chapter 11 and you to read chapter 14' Snaky answered with a nondescript expression. Hagrid looked happy to be personally chosen and as he sat up straight and opened the book, smiled at the chapter's title.

TBC

LW: Well that's it for this chapter, next we see Harry's first magical encounter.

R&R


	5. 4: Keeper Of The Keys

LW: Here's Hagrid! Enjoy chapter 4/5

_**Hogwarts reads the Harry Potter Books – Snaky edition.**_ _**Chapter 4**_

**Chapter 4 Keeper Of The Keys**

'Is that you Hagrid?' asked a meek Hufflepuff 1st year 'Yea it's me' Hagrid said proudly.

**BOOM. They knocked again. Dudley jerked awake.**

**"Where's the cannon?" he said stupidly.**

Cannon was added to the list

**There was a crash behind them and Uncle Vernon came skidding into the room. He was holding a rifle in his hands - now they knew what had been in the long, thin package he had brought with them.**

Rifle was explained away as 'a big gun' which placated the purebloods. They were still worried about it though.

**"Who's there?" he shouted. "I warn you - I'm armed!"**

**There was a pause. Then -**

**SMASH!**

**The door was hit with such force that it swung clean off its hinges and with a deafening crash landed flat on the floor.**

**A giant of a man was standing in the doorway. His face was almost completely hidden by a long, shaggy mane of hair and a wild, tangled beard, but you could make out his eyes, glinting like black beetles under all the hair.**

'Harry I like these descriptions, they're really accurate' Hermione said with a grin, Harry mumbled a thanks and smiled at her.

**The giant squeezed his way into the hut, stooping so that his head just brushed the ceiling. He bent down, picked up the door, and fitted it easily back into its frame. The noise of the storm outside dropped a little. He turned to look at them all.**

**"Couldn't make us a cup o' tea, could yeh? It's not been an easy journey..."**

Sirius let out a barking laugh 'Oh that can only be you Hagrid'

**He strode over to the sofa where Dudley sat frozen with fear.**

**"Budge up, yeh great lump," said the stranger.**

**Dudley squeaked and ran to hide behind his mother, who was crouching, terrified, behind Uncle Vernon.**

**"An' here's Harry!" said the giant.**

**Harry looked up into the fierce, wild, shadowy face and saw that the beetle eyes were crinkled in a smile.**

**"Las' time I saw you, you was only a baby," said the giant. "Yeh look a lot like yer dad, but yeh've got yer mom's eyes."**

'Everyone says that, it's one of the only things I'm ever told' Harry said with a sigh. Remus and Sirius looked at one another with guilt and turned to Harry 'When these are older we'll tell you everything about your parents mostly yer dad, I'm sure Severus can tell you about your mother from before and during Hogwarts' they looked up to the staff table and Snape nodded down to them with a sad smile.

**Uncle Vernon made a funny rasping noise.**

**"I demand that you leave at once, sir!" he said. "You are breaking and entering!"**

'And that's a problem because?' Snaky asked with an empty tone, nobody really caring what the Dursleys had to say.

**"Ah, shut up, Dursley, yeh great prune," said the giant; he reached over the back of the sofa, jerked the gun out of Uncle Vernon's hands, bent it into a knot as easily as if it had been made of rubber, and threw it into a corner of the room.**

'Now that is impressive, I take back everything I've ever said about you Hagrid' Draco said completely honestly.

**Uncle Vernon made another funny noise, like a mouse being trodden on.**

**"Anyway - Harry," said the giant, turning his back on the Dursleys, "a very happy birthday to yeh. Got summat fer yeh here - I mighta sat on it at some point, but it'll taste all right."**

Umbridge sneered she wouldn't eat anything made by the half breed but because he sat on it she'd sooner burn while it was still in his oversized hands than even touch it.

**From an inside pocket of his black overcoat he pulled a slightly squashed box. Harry opened it with trembling fingers. Inside was a large, sticky chocolate cake with Happy Birthday Harry written on it in green icing.**

'Hagrid could see the inner Slytherin in you Harry' Tom said to the group. '_Oh you have no idea_' Harry returned thinking of his sorting which should be appearing in the next few chapters.

**Harry looked up at the giant. He meant to say thank you, but the words got lost on the way to his mouth, and what he said instead was, "Who are you?"**

**The giant chuckled.**

**"True, I haven't introduced meself. Rubeus Hagrid, Keeper of Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts."**

The Hall filled with cheers from the Gryffindors at Hagrid's proper introduction

**He held out an enormous hand and shook Harry's whole arm.**

**"What about that tea then, eh?" he said, rubbing his hands together. "I'd not say no ter summat stronger if yeh've got it, mind."**

'Oh Hagrid' Snape commented shaking his head partly in disbelief.

**His eyes fell on the empty grate with the shrivelled chip bags in it and he snorted. He bent down over the fireplace; they couldn't see what he was doing but when he drew back a second later, there was a roaring fire there. It filled the whole damp hut with flickering light and Harry felt the warmth wash over him as though he'd sunk into a hot bath.**

**The giant sat back down on the sofa, which sagged under his weight, and began taking all sorts of things out of the pockets of his coat: a copper kettle, a squashy package of sausages, a poker, a teapot, several chipped mugs, and a bottle of some amber liquid that he took a swig from before starting to make tea. Soon the hut was full of the sound and smell of sizzling sausage. Nobody said a thing while the giant was working, but as he slid the first six fat, juicy, slightly burnt sausages from the poker, Dudley fidgeted a little. Uncle Vernon said sharply, "Don't touch anything he gives you, Dudley."**

'Like he need's any more food, right Harry?' quipped Ginny smiling at Harry with flirty eyes, the gesture causing several of Harry's group to gag.

**The giant chuckled darkly.**

'Is that even possible?' Asked Padma Patil. 'Probably not but I didn't know that at the time and Hagrid is a large, intimidating figure if you don't know him well' Harry answered

**"Yer great puddin' of a son don' need fattenin' anymore, Dursley, don' worry."**

**He passed the sausages to Harry, who was so hungry he had never tasted anything so wonderful, but he still couldn't take his eyes off the giant. Finally, as nobody seemed about to explain anything, he said, "I'm sorry, but I still don't really know who you are."**

**The giant took a gulp of tea and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.**

**"Call me Hagrid," he said, "everyone does. An' like I told yeh, I'm Keeper of Keys at Hogwarts - yeh'll know all about Hogwarts, o' course.**

'From what we've read he knows more about Nargles than Hogwarts' sneered Draco Luna having a conflicted look on whether to be happy about the Nargles or angry with the implications. She chose anger and the Nargles agreed.

**"Er - no," said Harry.**

**Hagrid looked shocked.**

**"Sorry," Harry said quickly.**

'It's not your fault Harry, it's those people; you really need to stop blaming yourself for things' Sirius said comfortingly.

**"Sorry ?" barked Hagrid, turning to stare at the Dursleys, who shrank back into the shadows. "It's them as should be sorry! I knew yeh weren't gettin' yer letters but I never thought yeh wouldn't even know abou' Hogwarts, fer cryin' out loud! Did yeh never wonder where yer parents learned it all?"**

**"All what?" asked Harry.**

'I believe the muggle term is ''the shit's hit the fan now''! ' Luna said dreamily.

**"ALL WHAT?" Hagrid thundered. "Now wait jus' one second!"**

**He had leapt to his feet. In his anger he seemed to fill the whole hut. The Dursleys were cowering against the wall.**

**"Do you mean ter tell me," he growled at the Dursleys, "that this boy - this boy! - knows nothin' abou' - about ANYTHING?"**

'HAGRID!' Hermione yelled 'You shouldn't have said it like that, now Harry think you think he's an idiot'. Hagrid looked sad and tried apologising to Harry but Harry just waved it off.

**Harry thought this was going a bit far. He had been to school, after all, and his marks weren't bad.**

**"I know some things," he said. "I can, you know, do math and stuff."**

**But Hagrid simply waved his hand and said, "About our world, I mean. Your world. My world. Yer parents' world."**

**"What world?"**

**Hagrid looked as if he was about to explode.**

**"DURSLEY!" he boomed.**

'I'm so glad I'm not them right now' Fudge squeaked looking at the angry half-giant.

**Uncle Vernon, who had gone very pale, whispered something that sounded like "Mimblewimble." Hagrid stared wildly at Harry.**

**"But yeh must know about yer mom and dad," he said. "I mean, they're famous. You're famous."**

**"What? My - my mom and dad weren't famous, were they?"**

**"Yeh don' know... yeh don' know... " Hagrid ran his fingers through his hair, fixing Harry with a bewildered stare.**

**"Yeh don' know what yeh are ?" he said finally.**

**Uncle Vernon suddenly found his voice.**

**"Stop!" he commanded. "Stop right there, sir! I forbid you to tell the boy anything!"**

'That's not gonna stop Hagrid, Voldemort coming back to life that very moment would just about do it but not the fat muggle' Daphne said with obvious respect in her tone

**A braver **('And smarter')** man than Vernon Dursley would have quailed under the furious look Hagrid now gave him; when Hagrid spoke, his every syllable trembled with rage.**

**"You never told him? Never told him what was in the letter Dumbledore left fer him? I was there! I saw Dumbledore leave it, Dursley! An' you've kept it from him all these years?"**

**"Kept what from me?" said Harry eagerly.**

**"STOP! I FORBID YOU!" yelled Uncle Vernon in panic.**

**Aunt Petunia gave a gasp of horror.**

**"Ah, go boil yer heads, both of yeh," said Hagrid. "Harry - yer a wizard."**

'Blunt and straight to the point as ever Hagrid, nice to see things never change' Tom said with a hint of amusement in his voice.

**There was silence inside the hut. Only the sea and the whistling wind could be heard.**

**"I'm a what ?" gasped Harry.**

'Eloquent as always Potter' Bella giggled. Harry did the 'mature' thing and stuck his tongue out, which she returned.

**"A wizard, o' course," said Hagrid, sitting back down on the sofa, which groaned and sank even lower, "an' a thumpin' good 'un, I'd say, once yeh've been trained up a bit. With a mum an' dad like yours, what else would yeh be? An' I reckon it's abou' time yeh read yer letter."**

Several yells across the houses of 'FINALLY' at the fact Harry can at last read the letter he's been trying to since the previous chapter.

**Harry stretched out his hand at last to take the yellowish envelope, addressed in emerald green to Mr. H. Potter, The Floor, Hut-on-the-Rock, The Sea. He pulled out the letter and read:**

**HOGWARTS SCHOOL of WITCHCRAFT and WIZARDRY**

Cheers rang out through out the hall in the usual show of school pride.

**Headmaster: ALBUS DUMBLEDORE**

**(Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorcerer, Chief Warlock, Supreme Mugwump, International Confederation of Wizards)**

Harry noticed while Hagrid was talking about Dumbledore Sirius was using his hand like a puppet to mimic what he said mockingly while the darker magicals glared at the headmaster.

**Dear Mr. Potter,**

**We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment.**

**Term begins on September 1. We await your owl by no later than July 31.**

**Yours sincerely,**

**Minerva McGonagall,**

**Deputy Headmistress**

**Questions exploded inside Harry's head like fireworks and he couldn't decide which to ask first. After a few minutes he stammered, "What does it mean, they await my owl?"**

A few people chuckled out of all the questions that was what Harry picked to ask first.

**"Gallopin' Gorgons, that reminds me," said Hagrid, clapping a hand to his forehead with enough force to knock over a cart horse, and from yet another pocket inside his overcoat he pulled an owl - a real, live, rather ruffled-looking owl - a long quill, and a roll of parchment. With his tongue between his teeth he scribbled a note that Harry could read upside down:**

'Now that's an achievement 'Arry, most people can't read my writin' right ways never mind upside down' Hagrid said win amazement

**Dear Professor Dumbledore,**

**Given Harry his letter.**

**Taking him to buy his things tomorrow.**

**Weather's horrible. Hope you're well.**

**Hagrid**

**Hagrid rolled up the note, gave it to the owl, which clamped it in its beak, went to the door, and threw the owl out into the storm. Then he came back and sat down as though this was as normal as talking on the telephone.**

'For us it is' said Susan.

**Harry realized his mouth was open and closed it quickly.**

**"Where was I?" said Hagrid, but at that moment, Uncle Vernon, still ashen-faced but looking very angry, moved into the firelight.**

**"He's not going," he said.**

**Hagrid grunted.**

**"I'd like ter see a great Muggle like you stop him," he said.**

'I'd like to see him try' Sirius said with obvious hostility. '_He didn't but a house elf did_' (Try I mean) Harry thought

**"A what?" said Harry, interested.**

**"A Muggle," said Hagrid, "it's what we call nonmagic folk like them. An' it's your bad luck you grew up in a family o' the biggest Muggles I ever laid eyes on."**

'Both figuratively and literally' Snape said and the Slytherins laughed while everyone else froze in shock; Snape said something funny? The world is ending!

**"We swore when we took him in we'd put a stop to that rubbish," said Uncle Vernon, "swore we'd stamp it out of him! Wizard indeed!"**

**"You knew?" said Harry. "You knew I'm a - a wizard?"**

**"Knew!" shrieked Aunt Petunia suddenly. "Knew! Of course we knew! How could you not be, my dratted sister being what she was? Oh, she got a letter just like that and disappeared off to that - that school - and came home every vacation with her pockets full of frog spawn, turning teacups into rats. I was the only one who saw her for what she was - a freak! But for my mother and father, oh no, it was Lily this and Lily that, they were proud of having a witch in the family!"**

**She stopped to draw a deep breath and then went ranting on. It seemed she had been wanting to say all this for years.**

'Oh believe me she has'

**"Then she met that Potter at school and they left and got married and had you, and of course I knew you'd be just the same, just as strange, just as - as - abnormal - and then, if you please, she went and got herself blown up and we got landed with you!"**

'Subtle and blunt as Grawp walking through the Hogwarts Entrance Hall in a tutu while wrestling a mountain troll' Hermione said annoyed at the lack of care at revealing such a major thing. People were staring at her but also at Tom who just said 'I've already ranted about the cover up, repeating myself is pointless'

**Harry had gone very white. As soon as he found his voice he said, "Blown up? You told me they died in a car crash!"**

**"CAR CRASH!" roared Hagrid, jumping up so angrily that the Dursleys scuttled back to their corner. "How could a car crash kill Lily an' James Potter? It's an outrage! A scandal! Harry Potter not knowin' his own story when every kid in our world knows his name!"**

**"But why? What happened?" Harry asked urgently.**

**The anger faded from Hagrid's face. He looked suddenly anxious.**

**"I never expected this," he said, in a low, worried voice. "I had no idea, when Dumbledore told me there might be trouble gettin' hold of yeh, how much yeh didn't know. Ah, Harry, I don' know if I'm the right person ter tell yeh - but someone's gotta - yeh can't go off ter Hogwarts not knowin'."**

**He threw a dirty look at the Dursleys.**

**"Well, its best yeh know as much as I can tell yeh - mind, I can't tell yeh everythin', it's a great myst'ry, parts of it..."**

**He sat down, stared into the fire for a few seconds, and then said, "It begins, I suppose, with - with a person called - but it's incredible yeh don't know his name, everyone in our world knows-"**

**"Who?"**

**"Well - I don' like sayin' the name if I can help it. No one does."**

**"Why not?"**

**"Gulpin' gargoyles, Harry, people are still scared. Blimey, this is difficult. See, there was this wizard who went... bad. As bad as you could go. Worse. Worse than worse. His name was..."**

'Why are they so afraid if he's DEAD? I mean if they're that scared of him you'd think they'd be more inclined to believe he's back.' Hermione asked with vaguely sound logic. Several adult wizards started to get worried.

**Hagrid gulped, but no words came out.**

**"Could you write it down?" Harry suggested.**

**"Nah - can't spell it. All right - Voldemort." Hagrid shuddered.**

Tom looked quite clearly impressed Hagrid had the courage and balls to say his alias out loud.

**"Don' make me say it again. Anyway, this - this wizard, about twenty years ago now, started lookin' fer followers. Got 'em, too - some were afraid, some just wanted a bit o' his power, 'cause he was gettin' himself power, all right. Dark days, Harry. Didn't know who ter trust didn't dare get friendly with strange wizards or witches... terrible things happened. He was takin' over. 'Course, some stood up to him - an' he killed 'em. Horribly. One o' the only safe places left was Hogwarts. Reckon Dumbledore's the only one You-Know-Who was afraid of. Didn't dare try takin' the school, not jus' then, anyway.**

'Anyone think it might have been that it was full of F***ing children?' Tom yelled quite angrily 'I may be a Dark Lord but I don't kill kids without reason, though it may take another 4 or 5 books to show that reason'

**"Now, yer mum an' dad were as good a witch an' wizard as I ever knew. Head boy an' girl at Hogwarts in their day!**

'That doesn't really mean anything, Voldemort was Head Boy in his day' Hermione said matter-of-factly, Tom nodded which shut up any retorts.

**Suppose the myst'ry is why You-Know-Who never tried to get 'em on his side before... probably knew they were too close ter Dumbledore ter want anythin' ter do with the Dark Side.**

'Actually I did try, they politely refused, same as the Longbottoms. The Prewetts on the other hand dropped Regulus on his ass with a banisher and threatened to AK him if he ever tried again' Tom said the end filled with deep loathing towards the family, in this case Molly being the only one still alive (and was present for said discussion, pronounced _confrontation_ )

**"Maybe he thought he could persuade 'em... maybe he just wanted 'em outta the way. All anyone knows is, he turned up in the village where you was all living, on Halloween ten years ago. You was just a year old. He came ter yer house an' - an'-"**

**Hagrid suddenly pulled out a very dirty, spotted handkerchief and blew his nose with a sound like a foghorn.**

**"Sorry," he said. "But it's that sad - knew yer mum an' dad, an' nicer people yeh couldn't find - anyway...**

**"You-Know-Who killed 'em. An' then - an' this is the real myst'ry of the thing - he tried to kill you, too. Wanted ter make a clean job of it, I suppose, or maybe he just liked killin' by then. But he couldn't do it. Never wondered how you got that mark on yer forehead? That was no ordinary cut. That's what yeh get when a powerful, evil curse touches yeh - took care of yer mum an' dad an' yer house, even - but it didn't work on you, an' that's why yer famous, Harry. No one ever lived after he decided ter kill 'em, no one except you, an' he'd killed some o' the best witches an' wizards of the age - the McKinnons, the Bones, the Prewetts - an' you was only a baby, an' you lived."**

**Something very painful was going on in Harry's mind. As Hagrid's story came to a close, he saw again the blinding flash of green light, more clearly than he had ever remembered it before - and he remembered something else, for the first time in his life: a high, cold, cruel laugh.**

Both Tom and Harry tensed at this, Hermione and Bella trying to regain their 'companion's' composure and to get them to calm down.

**Hagrid was watching him sadly.**

**"Took yeh from the ruined house myself, on Dumbledore's orders. Brought yeh ter this lot..."**

'I forgive you for that Hagrid' 'Thanks Harry'

**"Load of old tosh," said Uncle Vernon.**

'No it isn't' countered one of the twins 'We were told about it in the 1st chapter' finished the other

**Harry jumped; he had almost forgotten that the Dursleys were there. Uncle Vernon certainly seemed to have got back his courage. He was glaring at Hagrid and his fists were clenched.**

**"Now, you listen here, boy," he snarled, "I accept there's something strange about you, probably nothing a good beating wouldn't have cured - and as for all this about your parents, well, they were weirdoes, no denying it, and the world's better off without them in my opinion - asked for all they got, getting mixed up with these wizarding types - just what I expected, always knew they'd come to a sticky end-"**

'Remind me why we haven't left and killed the muggles yet?' asked Bella looking irate 'Door magically sealed within a time lock' answered Remus 'Oh yeah' Bella said looking embarrassed.

**But at that moment, Hagrid leapt from the sofa and drew a battered pink umbrella from inside his coat. Pointing this at Uncle Vernon like a sword, he said, "I'm warning you, Dursley - I'm warning you - one more word..."**

'Ooh the umbrella of DOOM!' Moaned Tonks distracting everyone with her random crazies. It soon wore off and Hagrid continued

**In danger of being speared on the end of an umbrella by a bearded giant, Uncle Vernon's courage failed again; he flattened himself against the wall and fell silent.**

'Well … that was uneventful' Sirius said with a sigh, then was hit by Remus and Bella for being a prat.

**"That's better," said Hagrid, breathing heavily and sitting back down on the sofa, which this time sagged right down to the floor.**

**Harry, meanwhile, still had questions to ask, hundreds of them.**

**"But what happened to Vol-, sorry - I mean, You-Know-Who?"**

**"Good question, Harry. Disappeared. Vanished. Same night he tried ter kill you. Makes yeh even more famous. That's the biggest myst'ry, see... he was gettin' more an' more powerful - why'd he go?**

**"Some say he died.**

'_Nope, still here'_

**Codswallop, in my opinion. Dunno if he had enough human left in him to die. **

'_Hey!'_ _'Giant mean to master, can I eat him?'_ _'No Nagini, no eating Hagrid'_

**Some say he's still out there, bidin' his time, like, but I don' believe it. People who was on his side came back ter ours. Some of 'em came outta kinda trances. Don' reckon they could've done if he was comin' back.**

**"Most of us reckon he's still out there somewhere but lost his powers. Too weak to carry on. **

'Once again if the majority thinking is he isn't dead, why will nobody believe he's alive?' More shrugs are Hermione's only answer

**'Cause somethin' about you finished him, Harry. There was somethin' goin' on that night he hadn't counted on - I dunno what it was, no one does - but somethin' about you stumped him, all right."**

**Hagrid looked at Harry with warmth and respect blazing in his eyes, but Harry, instead of feeling pleased and proud, felt quite sure there had been a horrible mistake. A wizard? Him? How could he possibly be? He'd spent his life being clouted by Dudley, and bullied by Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon; if he was really a wizard, why hadn't they been turned into warty toads every time they'd tried to lock him in his cupboard? If he'd once defeated the greatest sorcerer in the world, how come Dudley had always been able to kick him around like a football?**

**"Hagrid," he said quietly, "I think you must have made a mistake. I don't think I can be a wizard."**

'We've all been read it, you're definitely a wizard Harry' Draco said teasingly.

**To his surprise, Hagrid chuckled.**

**"Not a wizard, eh? Never made things happen when you was scared or angry?"**

'Do you want the list in alphabetical or chronological order since your birth?' Remus asked semi jokingly

**Harry looked into the fire. Now he came to think about it... every odd thing that had ever made his aunt and uncle furious with him had happened when he, Harry, had been upset or angry... chased by Dudley's gang, he had somehow found himself out of their reach... dreading going to school with that ridiculous haircut, he'd managed to make it grow back... and the very last time Dudley had hit him, hadn't he got his revenge, without even realizing he was doing it? Hadn't he set a boa constrictor on him?**

**Harry looked back at Hagrid, smiling, and saw that Hagrid was positively beaming at him.**

**"See?" said Hagrid. "Harry Potter, not a wizard - you wait, you'll be right famous at Hogwarts."**

'Unfortunately'

**But Uncle Vernon wasn't going to give in without a fight.**

**"Haven't I told you he's not going?" he hissed. "He's going to Stonewall High and he'll be grateful for it. I've read those letters and he needs all sorts of rubbish - spell books and wands and-"**

**"If he wants ter go, a great Muggle like you won't stop him," growled Hagrid. "Stop Lily an' James Potter's son goin' ter Hogwarts! Yer mad. His name's been down ever since he was born. He's off ter the finest school of witchcraft and wizardry in the world. **

'Are you sure about that?' Snaky asked half seriously Harry answered with a shaken head and a shrug, something that deeply worried and angered Dumbledore.

**Seven years there and he won't know himself. He'll be with youngsters of his own sort, fer a change, an' he'll be under the greatest headmaster Hogwarts ever had Albus Dumbled-"**

**"I AM NOT PAYING FOR SOME CRACKPOT OLD FOOL TO TEACH HIM MAGIC TRICKS!" yelled Uncle Vernon.**

Tom and Snaky frowned at the fact they agreed with the muggle in hatred of Dumbles

**But he had finally gone too far. Hagrid seized his umbrella and whirled it over his head, "NEVER -" he thundered, "- INSULT - ALBUS - DUMBLEDORE - IN - FRONT - OF - ME!"**

'_Albus Dumbledore is a manipulative basterd and an arsehole. Try proving me wrong_' Snaky hissed and Tom chuckled while Nagini smiled in a snake version of the Weasley twin's signature smirk. Harry looked at the seriousness in the man's face during his statement and just shook his head and sighed.

**He brought the umbrella swishing down through the air to point at Dudley - there was a flash of violet light, a sound like a firecracker, a sharp squeal, and the next second, Dudley was dancing on the spot with his hands clasped over his fat bottom, howling in pain. When he turned his back on them, Harry saw a curly pig's tail poking through a hole in his trousers.**

Cheers erupted through the hall at Dudley getting his at least a little.

**Uncle Vernon roared. Pulling Aunt Petunia and Dudley into the other room, he cast one last terrified look at Hagrid and slammed the door behind them.**

**Hagrid looked down at his umbrella and stroked his beard.**

**"Shouldn'ta lost me temper," he said ruefully, "but it didn't work anyway. Meant ter turn him into a pig, but I suppose he was so much like a pig anyway there wasn't much left ter do."**

This got a laugh out of the Hall's occupants who'd been waiting for the Dursleys to get theirs and though it wasn't much it was a start.

**He cast a sideways look at Harry under his bushy eyebrows.**

**"Be grateful if yeh didn't mention that ter anyone at Hogwarts," he said. "I'm - er - not supposed ter do magic, strictly speakin'.**

Umbridge smiled and wrote this down planning to get Hagrid fired or sent to Azkaban. 'You do know people can't be charged for their actions in any books other than the 1st half of the 5th book' Snaky said smugly at Umbridge's enraged face '_How dare that thing tell me what to do, I am a pure witch and undersecretary of the minister_'

**I was allowed ter do a bit ter follow yeh an' get yer letters to yeh an' stuff - one o' the reasons I was so keen ter take on the job."**

**"Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.**

**"Oh, well - I was at Hogwarts meself but I - er - got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wand in half an' everything. But Dumbledore let me stay on as gamekeeper. Great man, Dumbledore."**

**"Why were you expelled?"**

Tom at this moment got uncharacteristically embarrassed and tried hiding behind Bella's crows nest of hair leaving all but Harry and Hermione confused by his actions

**"It's gettin' late and we've got lots ter do tomorrow," said Hagrid loudly. "Gotta get up ter town; get all yer books an' that."**

**He took off his thick black coat and threw it to Harry.**

**"You can kip under that," he said. "Don' mind if it wriggles a bit, I think I still got a couple o' doormice in one o' the pockets." **

Once again there was an 'only Hagrid' moment accompanying the line. 'So who wants ta read next?' he asked. 'I will' called professor Sprout cheerfully, 'OK professor' Hagrid said sending the book along the table to the Herbology professor.

TBC

LW: Well as you can see 'good things come to those who wait' so a multi chapter update for all the nice readers.

Hermione: Well this is turning out well so far, hope everyone is enjoying it.

R&R


	6. 5: Diagon Alley

LW: To the magical world we go! Secrets to be revealed and Draco gets glared at quite a bit.

Draco: So how'd you finish this chapter so quickly?

LW: It was a quiet day in the harbour, I had nothing else to do. Well off we go!

_**Hogwarts reads the Harry Potter Books – Snaky edition.**_ _**Chapter 5**_

'Is everyone ready?' professor Sprout asked 'Ok lets begin'

**Chapter 5 Diagon Alley**

**Harry woke early the next morning. Although he could tell it was daylight, he kept his eyes shut tight.**

_**"It was a dream**_**, he told himself firmly. **_**"I dreamed a giant called Hagrid came to tell me I was going to a school for wizards. When I open my eyes I'll be at home in my cupboard."**_

'We really need to do something about that pessimistic attitude of yours' Luna said calmly 'It attracts rassalons which feed on your emotions and can cause depression' she said with her dreamy voice usually used for her strange creatures.

**There was suddenly a loud tapping noise.**

_**And there's Aunt Petunia knocking on the door**_**, Harry thought, his heart sinking. But he still didn't open his eyes. It had been such a good dream.**

'It's not a dream' Collin said happily 'it was real'

**Tap. Tap. Tap.**

**"All right," Harry mumbled, "I'm getting up."**

**He sat up and Hagrid's heavy coat fell off him. The hut was full of sunlight, the storm was over, Hagrid himself was asleep on the collapsed sofa, and there was an owl rapping its claw on the window, a newspaper held in its beak.**

**Harry scrambled to his feet, so happy he felt as though a large balloon was swelling inside him. He went straight to the window and jerked it open. The owl swooped in and dropped the newspaper on top of Hagrid, who didn't wake up. The owl then fluttered onto the floor and began to attack Hagrid's coat.**

'Maybe it wants the dormice in his jacket'

**"Don't do that."**

**Harry tried to wave the owl out of the way, but it snapped its beak fiercely at him and carried on savaging the coat.**

**"Hagrid!" said Harry loudly. "There's an owl-"**

**"Pay him," Hagrid grunted into the sofa.**

**"What?"**

**"He wants payin' fer deliverin' the paper. Look in the pockets."**

'How was he supposed to know that?'

**Hagrid's coat seemed to be made of nothing but pockets - bunches of keys, slug pellets, balls of string, peppermint humbugs, teabags... finally, Harry pulled out a handful of strange-looking coins.**

**"Give him five Knuts," said Hagrid sleepily.**

**"Knuts?"**

**"The little bronze ones."**

**Harry counted out five little bronze coins and the owl held out his leg so Harry could put the money into a small leather pouch tied to it. Then he flew off through the open window.**

'Owls are a lot nicer after you pay them' Snaky said with a smirk.

**Hagrid yawned loudly, sat up, and stretched.**

**"Best be off, Harry, lots ter do today, gotta get up ter London an' buy all yer stuff fer school."**

**Harry was turning over the wizard coins and looking at them. He had just thought of something that made him feel as though the happy balloon inside him had got a puncture.**

'Oh no not the happy balloon!' The twins moaned

**"Um - Hagrid?"**

**"Mm?" said Hagrid, who was pulling on his huge boots.**

**"I haven't got any money - and you heard Uncle Vernon last night... he won't pay for me to go and learn magic."**

'Harry you're from the richest wizarding family in our world after the Blacks, I think you have enough for school' Draco said with a smile which Harry returned.

**"Don't worry about that," said Hagrid, standing up and scratching his head. "D'yeh think yer parents didn't leave yeh anything?"**

**"But if their house was destroyed-"**

**"They didn' keep their gold in the house, boy! Nah, first stop fer us is Gringotts. Wizards' bank. Have a sausage, they're not bad cold - an' I wouldn' say no teh a bit o' yer birthday cake, neither."**

**"Wizards have banks?"**

**"Just the one. Gringotts. Run by goblins."**

'The nicest bunch of total basterds you'll ever meet' Snaky said honestly

**Harry dropped the bit of sausage he was holding.**

**"Goblins?"**

**"Yeah - so yeh'd be mad ter try an' rob it, I'll tell yeh that. Never mess with goblins, Harry. Gringotts is the safest place in the world fer anything yeh want ter keep safe - 'cept maybe Hogwarts.**

'Epic foreshadowing'

**As a matter o' fact, I gotta visit Gringotts anyway. Fer Dumbledore. Hogwarts business."**

'All the subtly of a Gryffindor' Tom said bored

**Hagrid drew himself up proudly. "He usually gets me ter do important stuff fer him. Fetchin' you - gettin' things from Gringotts - knows he can trust me, see."**

**"Got everythin'? Come on, then."**

**Harry followed Hagrid out onto the rock. The sky was quite clear now and the sea gleamed in the sunlight. The boat Uncle Vernon had hired was still there, with a lot of water in the bottom after the storm.**

**"How did you get here?" Harry asked, looking around for another boat.**

**"Flew," said Hagrid.**

An enormous 'WHAT!' spread through the hall.

**"Flew?"**

**"Yeah - but we'll go back in this. Not s'pposed ter use magic now I've got yeh."**

**They settled down in the boat, Harry still staring at Hagrid, trying to imagine him flying.**

Everyone else was currently trying too.

**"Seems a shame ter row, though," said Hagrid, giving Harry another of his sideways looks. "If I was ter - er - speed things up a bit, would yeh mind not mentionin' it at Hogwarts?"**

**"Of course not," said Harry, eager to see more magic. Hagrid pulled out the pink umbrella again, tapped it twice on the side of the boat, and they sped off toward land.**

**"Why would you be mad to try and rob Gringotts?" Harry asked.**

'Because wizards are idiots' Snaky said in a monotone.

**"Spells - enchantments," said Hagrid, unfolding his newspaper as he spoke. "They say there's dragons guardin' the high security vaults. And then yeh gotta find yer way - Gringotts is hundreds of miles under London, see. Deep under the Underground. Yeh'd die of hunger tryin' ter get out, even if yeh did manage ter get yer hands on summat."**

'It's not that hard' Snaky said smugly pulling a gold cup from his robes onto the table leaving Tom, Bella and Dumbles with looks of disbelief 'Thanks for the cup Bella'.

**Harry sat and thought about this while Hagrid read his newspaper, the Daily Prophet. Harry had learned from Uncle Vernon that people liked to be left alone while they did this, but it was very difficult, he'd never had so many questions in his life.**

**"Ministry o' Magic messin' things up as usual," Hagrid muttered, turning the page.**

Several students sniggered while Fudge and Toad glared at Hagrid and the children.

**"There's a Ministry of Magic?" Harry asked, before he could stop himself.**

**"'Course," said Hagrid. "They wanted Dumbledore fer Minister, o' course, but he'd never leave Hogwarts, so old Cornelius Fudge got the job. Bungler if ever there was one. So he pelts Dumbledore with owls every morning, askin' fer advice."**

**"But what does a Ministry of Magic do?"**

**"Well, their main job is to keep it from the Muggles that there's still witches an' wizards up an' down the country."**

'And if chapter 1 is any indication failing miserably' Daphne sneered.

**"Why?"**

**"Why? Blimey, Harry, everyone'd be wantin' magic solutions to their problems. Nah, we're best left alone."**

'I know how that feels' Harry said sadly.

**At this moment the boat bumped gently into the harbour wall. Hagrid folded up his newspaper and they clambered up the stone steps onto the street.**

**Passers-by stared a lot at Hagrid as they walked through the little town to the station. Harry couldn't blame them. Not only was Hagrid twice as tall as anyone else, he kept pointing at perfectly ordinary things like parking meters and saying loudly, "See that, Harry? Things these Muggles dream up, eh?"**

'Was Hagrid actually chosen for the job or just the only one available at the time?' Tonks asked looking confused.

**"Hagrid," said Harry, panting a bit as he ran to keep up, "did you say there are dragons at Gringotts?"**

'There better not' growled Charlie. Snaky shrugged and omitted the white dragon outside the Lestrange vault.

**"Well, so they say," said Hagrid. "Crikey, I'd like a dragon."**

**"You'd like one?"**

I have one; it's black with purple eyes' Snaky said looking happy, Hagrid making a mental note to try see the dragon after one of the books.

**"Wanted one ever since I was a kid - here we go."**

**They had reached the station. There was a train to London in five minutes' time. Hagrid, who didn't understand "Muggle money," as he called it, gave the bills to Harry so he could buy their tickets.**

'How do you not understand muggle money? They have the numbers written on them' Justin asked looking confused.

**People stared more than ever on the train. Hagrid took up two seats and sat knitting what looked like a canary-yellow circus tent.**

'Blanket for Fluffy' Hagrid answered before anyone asked what he was doing 'Thought she might be needin' it but turned out she didn't'.

**"Still got yer letter, Harry?" he asked as he counted stitches.**

**Harry took the parchment envelope out of his pocket.**

**"Good," said Hagrid. "There's a list there of everything yeh need."**

**Harry unfolded a second piece of paper he hadn't noticed the night before and read:**

**HOGWARTS SCHOOL o f WITCHCRAFT and WIZARDRY**

**UNIFORM**

**First-year students will require:**

**1. Three sets of plain work robes (black)**

**2. One plain pointed hat (black) for day wear **'Actually more special occasions'

**3. One pair of protective gloves (dragon hide or similar)**

**4. One winter cloak (black, silver fastenings)**

**Please note that all pupils' clothes should carry name tags**

'It's so the house elfs can return them to the correct owners' McGonagall said.

**COURSE BOOKS**

**All students should have a copy of each of the following:**

**The Standard Book of Spells (Grade 1) by Miranda Goshawk**

**A History of Magic by Bathilda Bagshot**

**Magical Theory by Adalbert Waffling**

**A Beginners' Guide to Transfiguration by Emeric Switch**

**One Thousand Magical Herbs and Fungi by Phyllida Spore**

**Magical Drafts and Potions by Arsenius Jigger**

**Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them by Newt Scamander**

**The Dark Forces: A Guide to Self-Protection by Quentin Trimble**

'Anyone else thinks their names influenced their specialty?' asked Hermione jokingly.

**OTHER EQUIPMENT**

**1 wand**

**1 cauldron (pewter, standard size 2)**

**1 set of glass or crystal phials**

**1 telescope set**

**1 brass scales**

**Students may also bring an owl OR a cat OR a toad**

'If those are the options, why did Ron bring a rat? Also why did nobody try enforcing that rule' Snaky asked. 'It's a rule mainly aimed at the 1st years so they have something safe if they choose to bring something' answered Dumbledore 'My point exactly, Ron was in 1st year when he brought in Scabbers, I'm not talking about Percy bringing him to Hogwarts' Snaky countered

**PARENTS ARE REMINDED THAT FIRST YEARS ARE NOT ALLOWED THEIR OWN BROOMSTICKS**

'Unless bought by your head of house' Harry said with a smile that lightened the mood for the group.

**"Can we buy all this in London?" Harry wondered aloud.**

**"If yeh know where to go," said Hagrid.**

'You do know that answer is vague enough to answer all questions without giving an answer. Can you buy dragon's eggs? Can you buy automatic weapons? Can you get laid? All can be answered with 'Yes if you know where to go' Sirius retorted and received a kick from Harry.

**Harry had never been to London before. Although Hagrid seemed to know where he was going, he was obviously not used to getting there in an ordinary way. He got stuck in the ticket barrier on the Underground, and complained loudly that the seats were too small and the trains too slow.**

**"I don't know how the Muggles manage without magic," he said as they climbed a broken-down escalator that led up to a bustling road lined with shops.**

'Did you break it or did you just not know it was broken' Tonks asked, Hagrid blushed with embarrassment and mumbled 'I broke it'

**Hagrid was so huge that he parted the crowd easily; all Harry had to do was keep close behind him. They passed book shops and music stores, hamburger restaurants and cinemas, but nowhere that looked as if it could sell you a magic wand. This was just an ordinary street full of ordinary people. Could there really be piles of wizard gold buried miles beneath them? Were there really shops that sold spell books and broomsticks? Might this not all be some huge joke that the Dursleys had cooked up? If Harry hadn't known that the Dursleys had no sense of humour, he might have thought so; yet somehow, even though everything Hagrid had told him so far was unbelievable, Harry couldn't help trusting him.**

'_I suppose that was the point_'

**"This is it," said Hagrid, coming to a halt, "the Leaky Cauldron. It's a famous place."**

'It doesn't look it' mumbled several muggleborns.

**It was a tiny, grubby-looking pub. If Hagrid hadn't pointed it out, Harry wouldn't have noticed it was there. The people hurrying by didn't glance at it. Their eyes slid from the big book shop on one side to the record shop on the other as if they couldn't see the Leaky Cauldron at all. In fact, Harry had the most peculiar feeling that only he and Hagrid could see it. Before he could mention this, Hagrid had steered him inside.**

**For a famous place, it was very dark and shabby. A few old women were sitting in a corner, drinking tiny glasses of sherry. One of them was smoking a long pipe. A little man in a top hat was talking to the old bartender, who was quite bald and looked like a toothless walnut. The low buzz of chatter stopped when they walked in. Everyone seemed to know Hagrid; they waved and smiled at him, and the bartender reached for a glass, saying, "The usual, Hagrid?"**

**"Can't, Tom, I'm on Hogwarts business," said Hagrid, clapping his great hand on Harry's shoulder and making Harry's knees buckle.**

'Drunk Troll, nuf said' Snaky said with a grin

**"Good Lord," said the bartender, peering at Harry, "is this - can this be -?"**

'_Let the stupid hero worship begin_' Harry hissed and Nagini head butted his shoulder in sort of comfort.

**The Leaky Cauldron had suddenly gone completely still and silent.**

**"Bless my soul," whispered the old bartender, "Harry Potter... what an honour."**

**He hurried out from behind the bar, rushed toward Harry and seized his hand, tears in his eyes.**

**"Welcome back, Mr. Potter, welcome back."**

**Harry didn't know what to say. Everyone was looking at him. The old woman with the pipe was puffing on it without realizing it had gone out. Hagrid was beaming.**

**Then there was a great scraping of chairs and the next moment, Harry found himself shaking hands with everyone in the Leaky Cauldron.**

**"Doris Crockford, Mr. Potter, can't believe I'm meeting you at last."**

**"So proud, Mr. Potter, I'm just so proud."**

**"Always wanted to shake your hand - I'm all of a flutter."**

**"Delighted, Mr. Potter, just can't tell you, Diggle's the name, Dedalus Diggle."**

**"I've seen you before!" said Harry, as Dedalus Diggle's top hat fell off in his excitement. "You bowed to me once in a shop."**

**"He remembers!" cried Dedalus Diggle, looking around at everyone. "Did you hear that? He remembers me!" Harry shook hands again and again - Doris Crockford kept coming back for more.**

**A pale young man made his way forward, very nervously. One of his eyes was twitching.**

Every student from Harry's year up groaned at the mention of Quirrell, not surprisingly to the golden duo so did Tom.

**"Professor Quirrell!" said Hagrid. "Harry, Professor Quirrell will be one of your teachers at Hogwarts."**

'Yes and the only good one you've had in the last 5 years' croaked Umbridge but everyone ignored her or laughed, the fact Quirrell was a 'good teacher' pointed out how useless the 'ministry approved' education system was.

**"P-P-Potter," stammered Professor Quirrell, grasping Harry's hand, "c-can't t-tell you how p-pleased I am to meet you."**

**"What sort of magic do you teach, Professor Quirrell?"**

**"D-Defence Against the D-D-Dark Arts," **

'Badly' said Harry the entire hall in agreement '3rd worst we've had' (2nd Lockhart, 1st Umbitch)

**muttered Professor Quirrell, as though he'd rather not think about it. "N-not that you n-need it, eh, P-P-Potter?" He laughed nervously. "You'll be g-getting all your equipment, I suppose? I've g-got to p-pick up a new b-book on vampires, m-myself." He looked terrified at the very thought.**

**But the others wouldn't let Professor Quirrell keep Harry to himself. It took almost ten minutes to get away from them all. At last, Hagrid managed to make himself heard over the babble.**

**"Must get on - lots ter buy. Come on, Harry."**

**Doris Crockford shook Harry's hand one last time, and Hagrid led them through the bar and out into a small, walled courtyard, where there was nothing but a trash can and a few weeds.**

**Hagrid grinned at Harry.**

**"Told yeh, didn't I? Told yeh you was famous. Even Professor Quirrell was tremblin' ter meet yeh - mind you, he's usually tremblin'."**

**"Is he always that nervous?"**

'_Why was he like that?'__'He needed to look weak, defenceless and not be able to be considered a threat'__'Well it worked, I even tried defending him'_

**"Oh, yeah. Poor bloke. Brilliant mind. He was fine while he was studyin' outta books but then he took a year off ter get some firsthand experience... They say he met vampires in the Black Forest, and there was a nasty bit o' trouble with a hag - never been the same since. Scared of the students, scared of his own subject - now, where's me umbrella?"**

**Vampires? Hags? Harry's head was swimming. Hagrid, meanwhile, was counting bricks in the wall above the trash can.**

**"Three up... two across..."he muttered. "Right, stand back, Harry."**

**He tapped the wall three times with the point of his umbrella.**

**The brick he had touched quivered - it wriggled - in the middle, a small hole appeared - it grew wider and wider - a second later they were facing an archway large enough even for Hagrid, an archway onto a cobbled street that twisted and turned out of sight.**

'That was the coolest bit of magic I'd seen so far' Harry said remembering how awestruck he was by the entrance and more so the alley itself.

**"Welcome," said Hagrid, "to Diagon Alley."**

**He grinned at Harry's amazement. They stepped through the archway. Harry looked quickly over his shoulder and saw the archway shrink instantly back into solid wall.**

**The sun shone brightly on a stack of cauldrons outside the nearest shop. Cauldrons - All Sizes - Copper, Brass, Pewter, Silver - Self-Stirring - Collapsible, said a sign hanging over them.**

**"Yeah, you'll be needin' one," said Hagrid, "but we gotta get yer money first."**

**Harry wished he had about eight more eyes.** (Insert Ron cringing here)** He turned his head in every direction as they walked up the street, trying to look at everything at once: the shops, the things outside them, the people doing their shopping. A plump woman outside an Apothecary was shaking her head as they passed, saying, "Dragon liver, seventeen Sickles an ounce, they're mad..."**

'MUM!' Chorused the twins while Ms Weasley looked embarrassed and angry at Harry

**A low, soft hooting came from a dark shop with a sign saying Eeylops Owl Emporium - Tawny, Screech, Barn, Brown, and Snowy. Several boys of about Harry's age had their noses pressed against a window with broomsticks in it. "Look," Harry heard one of them say, "the new Nimbus Two Thousand - fastest ever - " There were shops selling robes, shops selling telescopes and strange silver instruments Harry had never seen before, windows stacked with barrels of bat spleens and eels' eyes, tottering piles of spell books, quills, and rolls of parchment, potion bottles, globes of the moon...**

**"Gringotts," said Hagrid.**

**They had reached a snowy white building that towered over the other little shops. Standing beside its burnished bronze doors, wearing a uniform of scarlet and gold, was -**

'A Gryffindor?' called Bella because of the colour scheme.

**"Yeah, that's a goblin," said Hagrid quietly as they walked up the white stone steps toward him.**

'Silly Hagrid, goblins don't go to Hogwarts' Sirius joked

**The goblin was about a head shorter than Harry. He had a swarthy, clever face, a pointed beard and, Harry noticed, very long fingers and feet. He bowed as they walked inside. Now they were facing a second pair of doors, silver this time, with words engraved upon them:**

**Enter, stranger, but take heed**

**Of what awaits the sin of greed,**

**For those who take, but do not earn,**

**Must pay most dearly in their turn.**

**So if you seek beneath our floors**

**A treasure that was never yours,**

**Thief, you have been warned, beware**

**Of finding more than treasure there****.**

**"Like I said, Yeh'd be mad ter try an' rob it," said Hagrid.**

'No just determined ... Ok being mad helps' Snaky said with a marauder smile.

**A pair of goblins bowed them through the silver doors and they were in a vast marble hall. About a hundred more goblins were sitting on high stools behind a long counter, scribbling in large ledgers, weighing coins in brass scales, examining precious stones through eyeglasses. There were too many doors to count leading off the hall, and yet more goblins were showing people in and out of these. Hagrid and Harry made for the counter.**

**"Morning," said Hagrid to a free goblin. "We've come ter take some money outta Mr. Harry Potter's safe."**

**"You have his key, sir?"**

**"Got it here somewhere," said Hagrid, and he started emptying his pockets onto the counter, scattering a handful of mouldy dog biscuits over the goblin's book of numbers. The goblin wrinkled his nose. Harry watched the goblin on their right weighing a pile of rubies as big as glowing coals.**

**"Got it," said Hagrid at last, holding up a tiny golden key.**

**The goblin looked at it closely.**

**"That seems to be in order."**

**"An' I've also got a letter here from Professor Dumbledore," said Hagrid importantly, throwing out his chest. "It's about the You-Know-What in vault seven hundred and thirteen."**

'So that's how you knew, you were there' Tom said looking surprised.

**The goblin read the letter carefully.**

**"Very well," he said, handing it back to Hagrid, "I will have someone take you down to both vaults. Griphook!"**

'I remember him, he's the current Potter family's goblin' Sirius said.

**Griphook was yet another goblin. Once Hagrid had crammed all the dog biscuits back inside his pockets, he and Harry followed Griphook toward one of the doors leading off the hall.**

**"What's the You-Know-What in vault seven hundred and thirteen?" Harry asked.**

**"Can't tell yeh that," said Hagrid mysteriously. "Very secret. Hogwarts business. Dumbledore's trusted me. More'n my job's worth ter tell yeh that."**

'He did eventually tell us. Quite a bit of it, just not all of it' Harry said smiling up to Hagrid.

**Griphook held the door open for them. Harry, who had expected more marble, was surprised. They were in a narrow stone passageway lit with flaming torches. It sloped steeply downward and there were little railway tracks on the floor. Griphook whistled and a small cart came hurtling up the tracks toward them. They climbed in - Hagrid with some difficulty - and were off.**

**At first they just hurtled through a maze of twisting passages. Harry tried to remember, left, right, right, left, middle fork, right, left, but it was impossible. The rattling cart seemed to know its own way, because Griphook wasn't steering.**

**Harry's eyes stung as the cold air rushed past them, but he kept them wide open. Once, he thought he saw a burst of fire at the end of a passage and twisted around to see if it was a dragon, but too late - they plunged even deeper, passing an underground lake where huge stalactites and stalagmites grew from the ceiling and floor.**

**"I never know," Harry called to Hagrid over the noise of the cart, "what's the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite?"**

'Well the tite holds on tight to the ceiling and mite might reach the top' Hermione answered.

**"Stalagmite's got an 'm' in it," said Hagrid. "An' don' ask me questions just now, I think I'm gonna be sick."**

**He did look very green, and when the cart stopped at last beside a small door in the passage wall, Hagrid got out and had to lean against the wall to stop his knees from trembling.**

**Griphook unlocked the door. A lot of green smoke came billowing out, and as it cleared, Harry gasped. Inside were mounds of gold coins. Columns of silver. Heaps of little bronze Knuts.**

Several of the Weasley's glared jealously at Harry while his group stuck their tongues out at them.

**"All yours," smiled Hagrid.**

**All Harry's - it was incredible. The Dursleys couldn't have known about this or they'd have had it from him faster than blinking. How often had they complained how much Harry cost them to keep? And all the time there had been a small fortune belonging to him, buried deep under London.**

**Hagrid helped Harry pile some of it into a bag.**

**"The gold ones are Galleons," he explained. "Seventeen silver Sickles to a Galleon and twenty-nine Knuts to a Sickle, its easy enough. Right, that should be enough fer a couple o' terms, we'll keep the rest safe for yeh." He turned to Griphook. "Vault seven hundred and thirteen now, please, and can we go more slowly?"**

'One speed ride' Sirius yelled looking particularly giddy and child-like

**"One speed only," said Griphook.**

**They were going even deeper now and gathering speed. The air became colder and colder as they hurtled round tight corners. They went rattling over an underground ravine, and Harry leaned over the side to try to see what was down at the dark bottom, but Hagrid groaned and pulled him back by the scruff of his neck.**

**Vault seven hundred and thirteen had no keyhole.**

**"Stand back," said Griphook importantly. He stroked the door gently with one of his long fingers and it simply melted away.**

**"If anyone but a Gringotts goblin tried that, they'd be sucked through the door and trapped in there," said Griphook.**

'Though they aren't as unbreakable as you think, it did take half an hour though which is bad for me' Snaky said looking a little glum by the end.

**"How often do you check to see if anyone's inside?" Harry asked.**

**"About once every ten years," said Griphook with a rather nasty grin.**

'That explains the skeleton in the vault'

**Something really extraordinary had to be inside this top security vault, Harry was sure, and he leaned forward eagerly, expecting to see fabulous jewels at the very least - but at first he thought it was empty. Then he noticed a grubby little package wrapped up in brown paper lying on the floor. Hagrid picked it up and tucked it deep inside his coat. Harry longed to know what it was, but knew better than to ask.**

**"Come on, back in this infernal cart, and don't talk to me on the way back, it's best if I keep me mouth shut," said Hagrid.**

**One wild cart ride later they stood blinking in the sunlight outside Gringotts. **

'Um Harry I think you forgot quite a few things' Lucius said with confusion in his voice 'What do you mean?' Harry asked 'Well 1st you were to get your magical emancipation as the last heir of House Potter, then hear your parent's will and take your place as the Head of House Potter' Narcissa answered 'Oh and choose a proxy for your spot and the Black family spot till Sirius got out or you were properly of age'. Dumbledore was getting very angry, these books had only just begun and his plans were already falling apart, Harry was meant to be ignorant of his heritage and die fighting Voldemort. Now he seemed closer to the Dark Lord than the Weasleys. Harry meanwhile was burning with anger aimed towards Dumbles. '_We need to get to Gringotts once this story is over' 'Agreed' 'Master and little Master need listen to story'_

**Harry didn't know where to run first now that he had a bag full of money. He didn't have to know how many Galleons there were to a pound to know that he was holding more money than he'd had in his whole life - more money than even Dudley had ever had.**

**"Might as well get yer uniform," said Hagrid, nodding toward Madam Malkin's Robes for All Occasions. "Listen, Harry, would yeh mind if I slipped off fer a pick-me-up in the Leaky Cauldron? I hate them Gringotts carts." He did still look a bit sick, so Harry entered Madam Malkin's shop alone, feeling nervous.**

**Madam Malkin was a squat, smiling witch dressed all in mauve.**

**"Hogwarts, dear?" she said, when Harry started to speak. "Got the lot here - another young man being fitted up just now, in fact."**

**In the back of the shop, a boy with a pale, pointed face was standing on a footstool while a second witch pinned up his long black robes. Madam Malkin stood Harry on a stool next to him slipped a long robe over his head, and began to pin it to the right length.**

'_Ahhhh crap_' thought Draco

**"Hello," said the boy, "Hogwarts, too?"**

**"Yes," said Harry.**

**"My father's next door buying my books and mother's up the street looking at wands," said the boy. **

'That's quite efficient, if you all go to different shops you can be done a lot faster. It's always been the Black way ehh Cissa' Sirius said with pride.

**He had a bored, drawling voice. "Then I'm going to drag them off to took at racing brooms. I don't see why first years can't have their own. I think I'll bully father into getting me one and I'll smuggle it in somehow."**

**Harry was strongly reminded of Dudley.**

'Sorry about that one Draco' Harry apologised. 'OK' Draco said.

**"Have you got your own broom?" the boy went on.**

**"No," said Harry.**

**"Play Quidditch at all?"**

**"No," Harry said again, wondering what on earth Quidditch could be.**

All Harry's Quidditch team-mates looked blasphemed at the fact Harry didn't know about the sport but all knew it was better Wood wasn't here to find out.

**"I do - Father says it's a crime if I'm not picked to play for my house, and I must say, I agree. Know what house you'll be in yet?"**

**"No," said Harry, feeling more stupid by the minute.**

**"Well, no one really knows until they get there, do they, but I know I'll be in Slytherin, all our family have been - imagine being in Hufflepuff, I think I'd leave, wouldn't you?"**

'In all honesty I can't see Draco in Hufflepuff either' said Susan trying to imagine it but failing.

**"Mmm," said Harry, wishing he could say something a bit more interesting.**

**"I say, look at that man!" said the boy suddenly, nodding toward the front window. Hagrid was standing there, grinning at Harry and pointing at two large ice creams to show he couldn't come in.**

Draco knowing what was about to happen decided to save everyone the trouble and began banging his head against the table.

**"That's Hagrid," said Harry, pleased to know something the boy didn't. "He works at Hogwarts."**

**"Oh," said the boy, "I've heard of him. He's a sort of servant, isn't he?"**

**"He's the gamekeeper," said Harry. He was liking the boy less and less every second.**

**"Yes, exactly. I heard he's a sort of savage - lives in a hut on the school grounds and every now and then he gets drunk, tries to do magic, and ends up setting fire to his bed."**

'One of those times might have been him with the umbrella but the more well known one was us pranking Hagrid for catching us in the forest' Remus admitted with Sirius nodding in agreement.

**"I think he's brilliant," said Harry coldly.**

**"Do you?" said the boy, with a slight sneer. "Why is he with you? Where are your parents?"**

**"They're dead," said Harry shortly. He didn't feel much like going into the matter with this boy.**

**"Oh, sorry," said the other, not sounding sorry at all. "But they were our kind, weren't they?"**

**"They were a witch and wizard, if that's what you mean."**

**"I really don't think they should let the other sort in, do you? They're just not the same; they've never been brought up to know our ways.**

'They would if people tried teaching them' Hermione said barely above a growl'

**Some of them have never even heard of Hogwarts until they get the letter, imagine. I think they should keep it in the old wizarding families. What's your surname, anyway?"**

'Potter, Harry Potter'

**But before Harry could answer, Madam Malkin said, "That's you done, my dear," and Harry, not sorry for an excuse to stop talking to the boy, hopped down from the footstool.**

**"Well, I'll see you at Hogwarts, I suppose," said the drawling boy.**

**Harry was rather quiet as he ate the ice cream Hagrid had bought him (chocolate and raspberry with chopped nuts).**

Several students started drooling, remembering how delicious Fortescue's Ice cream is.

**"What's up?" said Hagrid.**

**"Nothing," Harry lied. They stopped to buy parchment and quills. Harry cheered up a bit when he found a bottle of ink that changed color as you wrote. When they had left the shop, he said, "Hagrid, what's Quidditch?"**

**"Blimey, Harry, I keep forgettin' how little yeh know - not knowin' about Quidditch!"**

**"Don't make me feel worse," said Harry. He told Hagrid about the pale boy in Madam Malkin's.**

**"- and he said people from Muggle families shouldn't even be allowed in-"**

**"Yer not from a Muggle family. If he'd known who yeh were - he's grown up knowin' yer name if his parents are wizardin' folk. You saw what everyone in the Leaky Cauldron was like when they saw yeh. Anyway, what does he know about it, some o' the best I ever saw were the only ones with magic in 'em in a long line o' Muggles - look at yer mum! Look what she had fer a sister!"**

'A horse?' asked Sirius 'Exactly' answered Remus.

**"So what is Quidditch?"**

**"It's our sport. Wizard sport. It's like - like soccer in the Muggle world - everyone follows Quidditch - played up in the air on broomsticks and there's four balls - sorta hard ter explain the rules."**

**"And what are Slytherin and Hufflepuff?"**

**"School houses. There's four. Everyone says Hufflepuff are a lot o' duffers, but-"**

**"I bet I'm in Hufflepuff," said Harry gloomily.**

**"Better Hufflepuff than Slytherin," said Hagrid darkly. "There's not a single witch or wizard who went bad who wasn't in Slytherin. You-Know-Who was one."**

'Actually, Pettigrew, Quirrell, _Dumbledore_, need I continue?' Harry asked. Nobody tried contradict him but Hagrid looked sad

**"Vol-, sorry - You-Know-Who was at Hogwarts?"**

**"Years an' years ago," said Hagrid.**

'We were in the same year'

**They bought Harry's school books in a shop called Flourish and Blotts where the shelves were stacked to the ceiling with books as large as paving stones bound in leather; books the size of postage stamps in covers of silk; books full of peculiar symbols and a few books with nothing in them at all. Even Dudley, who never read anything, would have been wild to get his hands on some of these. Hagrid almost had to drag Harry away from Curses and Counter curses (Bewitch Your Friends and Befuddle Your Enemies with the Latest Revenges: Hair Loss, Jelly-Legs, Tongue-Tying and Much, Much More) by Professor Vindictus **(Vindictive)** Viridian.**

**"I was trying to find out how to curse Dudley."**

'Go Harry!' yipped the twins, high-fiveing the marauders

**"I'm not sayin' that's not a good idea, but yer not ter use magic in the Muggle world except in very special circumstances," said Hagrid. "An' anyway, yeh couldn' work any of them curses yet, yeh'll need a lot more study before yeh get ter that level."**

'Actually Dumbledore said just to get what was required and nothing else' Hagrid said embarrassed while Dumbledore was getting steadily angrier, something that greatly amused Tom.

**Hagrid wouldn't let Harry buy a solid gold cauldron, either ("It says pewter on yer list"), but they got a nice set of scales for weighing potion ingredients and a collapsible brass telescope. Then they visited the Apothecary, which was fascinating enough to make up for its horrible smell, a mixture of bad eggs and rotted cabbages. Barrels of slimy stuff stood on the floor; jars of herbs, dried roots, and bright powders lined the walls; bundles of feathers, strings of fangs, and snarled claws hung from the ceiling. While Hagrid asked the man behind the counter for a supply of some basic potion ingredients for Harry, Harry himself examined silver unicorn horns at twenty-one Galleons each and minuscule, glittery-black beetle eyes (five Knuts a scoop).**

**Outside the Apothecary, Hagrid checked Harry's list again.**

**"Just yer wand left - A yeah, an' I still haven't got yeh a birthday present."**

As if on queue Hedwig appeared and landed on his shoulder.

**Harry felt himself go red.**

**"You don't have to-"**

**"I know I don't have to. Tell yeh what, I'll get yer animal. Not a toad, toads went outta fashion years ago, yeh'd be laughed at**

'Sorry Neville' 'It's OK Hagrid' 

**- an' I don' like cats, they make me sneeze. I'll get yer an owl. All the kids want owls; they're dead useful, carry yer mail an' everythin'."**

**Twenty minutes later, they left Eeylops Owl Emporium, which had been dark and full of rustling and flickering, jewel-bright eyes. Harry now carried a large cage that held a beautiful snowy owl, fast asleep with her head under her wing. He couldn't stop stammering his thanks, sounding just like Professor Quirrell.**

'Yay Hedwig' Cheered Luna in a dreamy voice.

**"Don' mention it," said Hagrid gruffly. "Don' expect you've had a lotta presents from them Dursleys. Just Ollivander's left now - only place fer wands, Ollivander's, and yeh gotta have the best wand."**

**A magic wand... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.**

**The last shop was narrow and shabby. Peeling gold letters over the door read Ollivander's: Makers of Fine Wands since 382 B.C. A single wand lay on a faded purple cushion in the dusty window.**

'I think it's his wand'

**A tinkling bell rang somewhere in the depths of the shop as they stepped inside. It was a tiny place, empty except for a single, spindly chair that Hagrid sat on to wait. Harry felt strangely as though he had entered a very strict library; he swallowed a lot of new questions that had just occurred to him and looked instead at the thousands of narrow boxes piled neatly right up to the ceiling. For some reason, the back of his neck prickled. The very dust and silence in here seemed to tingle with some secret magic.**

'Now that is impressive, you can feel the ambient magic in the shop' Shacklebolt said clearly impressed.

**"Good afternoon," said a soft voice. Harry jumped. Hagrid must have jumped, too, because there was a loud crunching noise and he got quickly off the spindly chair.**

**An old man was standing before them, his wide, pale eyes shining like moons through the gloom of the shop.**

**"Hello," said Harry awkwardly.**

**"Ah yes," said the man. "Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wand. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wand for charm work."**

**Mr. Ollivander moved closer to Harry. Harry wished he would blink. Those silvery eyes were a bit creepy.**

'God that man is creepy!'

**"Your father, on the other hand, favoured a mahogany wand. Eleven inches. Pliable. A little more power and excellent for transfiguration. Well, I say your father favoured it - it's really the wand that chooses the wizard, of course."**

'On the bright side I learnt something about my parents people hadn't already told me several times' said Harry with a slight smile

**Mr. Ollivander had come so close that he and Harry were almost nose to nose. Harry could see himself reflected in those misty eyes.**

**"And that's where..."**

**Mr. Ollivander touched the lightning scar on Harry's forehead with a long, white finger.**

**"I'm sorry to say I sold the wand that did it," he said softly. "Thirteen-and-a-half inches. Yew. Powerful wand, very powerful, and in the wrong hands... well, if I'd known what that wand was going out into the world to do..."**

'No he wouldn't, he would've given it to me even if I was going to kill him once I came of age and hung him outside his shop' Tom said smug glee.

**He shook his head and then, to Harry's relief, spotted Hagrid.**

**"Rubeus! Rubeus Hagrid! How nice to see you again... Oak, sixteen inches, rather bendy, wasn't it?"**

**"It was, sir, yes," said Hagrid.**

**"Good wand, that one. But I suppose they snapped it in half when you got expelled?" said Mr. Ollivander, suddenly stern.**

**"Er - yes, they did, yes," said Hagrid, shuffling his feet. "I've still got the pieces, though," he added brightly.**

**"But you don't use them?" said Mr. Ollivander sharply.**

**"Oh, no, sir," said Hagrid quickly. Harry noticed he gripped his pink umbrella very tightly as he spoke.**

'That's not suspicious' Bella said sarcastically

**"Hmmm," said Mr. Ollivander, giving Hagrid a piercing look. "Well, now - Mr. Potter. Let me see." He pulled a long tape measure with silver markings out of his pocket. "Which is your wand arm?"**

**"Er - well, I'm right-handed," said Harry.**

**"Hold out your arm. That's it." He measured Harry from shoulder to finger, then wrist to elbow, shoulder to floor, knee to armpit and round his head. As he measured, he said, "Every Ollivander wand has a core of a powerful magical substance, Mr. Potter. We use unicorn hairs, phoenix tail feathers, and the heartstrings of dragons. No two Ollivander wands are the same, just as no two unicorns, dragons, or phoenixes are quite the same. And of course, you will never get such good results with another wizard's wand."**

**Harry suddenly realized that the tape measure, which was measuring between his nostrils, was doing this on its own. Mr. Ollivander was flitting around the shelves, taking down boxes.**

**"That will do," he said, and the tape measure crumpled into a heap on the floor. "Right then, Mr. Potter. Try this one. Beechwood and dragon heartstring. Nine inches. Nice and flexible. Just take it and give it a wave."**

**Harry took the wand and (feeling foolish) waved it around a bit, but Mr. Ollivander snatched it out of his hand almost at once.**

**"Maple and phoenix feather. Seven inches. Quite whippy. Try-"**

**Harry tried - but he had hardly raised the wand when it, too, was snatched back by Mr. Ollivander.**

**"No, no - here, ebony and unicorn hair, eight and a half inches, springy. Go on, go on, try it out."**

**Harry tried. And tried. He had no idea what Mr. Ollivander was waiting for. The pile of tried wands was mounting higher and higher on the spindly chair,**

'57'

**but the more wands Mr. Ollivander pulled from the shelves, the happier he seemed to become.**

**"Tricky customer, eh? Not to worry, we'll find the perfect match here somewhere - I wonder, now - yes, why not - unusual combination - holly and phoenix feather, eleven inches, nice and supple."**

**Harry took the wand. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wand above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls. Hagrid whooped and clapped and Mr. Ollivander cried, "Oh, bravo! Yes, indeed, oh, very good. Well, well, well... how curious... how very curious..."**

'_Oh dear'_

**He put Harry's wand back into its box and wrapped it in brown paper, still muttering, "Curious... curious...**

**"Sorry," said Harry, "but what's curious?"**

**Mr. Ollivander fixed Harry with his pale stare.**

**"I remember every wand I've ever sold, Mr. Potter. Every single wand. It so happens that the phoenix whose tail feather is in your wand, gave another feather - just one other. It is very curious indeed that you should be destined for this wand when its brother - why, its brother gave you that scar."**

'That's how it happened!' Tom yelped

**Harry swallowed.**

**"Yes, thirteen-and-a-half inches. Yew. Curious indeed how these things happen. The wand chooses the wizard, remember... I think we must expect great things from you, Mr. Potter... After all, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named did great things - terrible, yes, but great."**

'Ollivander must be going dark if he thinks The Dark Lord did great things' Ron said arrogantly. 'That's not what he's saying, he's saying what Voldemort has done is powerful and impressive magic, but not that he approves of what he's done Hermione countered.

**Harry shivered. He wasn't sure he liked Mr. Ollivander too much. He paid seven gold Galleons for his wand, and Mr. Ollivander bowed them from his shop.**

**The late afternoon sun hung low in the sky as Harry and Hagrid made their way back down Diagon Alley, back through the wall, back through the Leaky Cauldron, now empty. Harry didn't speak at all as they walked down the road; he didn't even notice how much people were gawking at them on the Underground, laden as they were with all their funny-shaped packages, with the snowy owl asleep in its cage on Harry's lap. Up another escalator, out into Paddington station; Harry only realized where they were when Hagrid tapped him on the shoulder.**

**"Got time fer a bite to eat before yer train leaves," he said.**

**He bought Harry a hamburger and they sat down on plastic seats to eat them. Harry kept looking around. Everything looked so strange, somehow.**

**"You all right, Harry? Yer very quiet," said Hagrid.**

**Harry wasn't sure he could explain. He'd just had the best birthday of his life - and yet - he chewed his hamburger, trying to find the words.**

**"Everyone thinks I'm special," he said at last. "All those people in the Leaky Cauldron, Professor Quirrell, Mr. Ollivander... but I don't know anything about magic at all. How can they expect great things? I'm famous and I can't even remember what I'm famous for. I don't know what happened when Vol-, sorry - I mean, the night my parents died."**

**Hagrid leaned across the table. Behind the wild beard and eyebrows he wore a very kind smile.**

**"Don' you worry, Harry. You'll learn fast enough. Everyone starts at the beginning at Hogwarts, you'll be just fine. Just be yerself. I know it's hard. Yeh've been singled out, an' that's always hard. But yeh'll have a great time at Hogwarts - I did - still do, 'smatter of fact."**

'He's right, well was right' Harry said sadly Hermione's arm around his shoulder.

**Hagrid helped Harry on to the train that would take him back to the Dursleys then handed him an envelope.**

**"Yer ticket fer Hogwarts," he said. "First o' September - King's Cross - it's all on yer ticket. Any problems with the Dursleys, send me a letter with yer owl, she'll know where to find me... See yeh soon, Harry."**

**The train pulled out of the station. Harry wanted to watch Hagrid until he was out of sight; he rose in his seat and pressed his nose against the window, but he blinked and Hagrid had gone.**

'Hagrid! You were meant to explain how to get onto the platform in September, not just give him the ticket and leave' McGonagall scolded. 'OK who's next?' Asked Professor Sprout to the table 'I will I suppose' called Snape as he took the book from her.

TBC

LW: LLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOONNNNN NNNNNNGGGGGGG chapter so I hope everyone's happy. (Well it felt that long going through it)

Harry: so we have a train to catch don't we?

Snaky: Leave the jokes to me Potter, BYE PEOPLE! (Leaves room)

LW: 0_0 OK. Well see yeah.

R&R


	7. 6: Platform 9 and 3 Quarters

LW: We'll be on our way to Hogwarts when we're done, on the way we'll make Ron look really dumb...

Snaky: Lonly is hyper right now please ignore the bad singing, good luck!

_**Hogwarts reads the Harry Potter Books – Snaky edition.**_ _**Chapter 6**_

'Ok let's get this over with' Snape said with a grimace as he opened the book and began to read.

**Chapter 6 – Platform 9 ¾ **

**Harry's last month with the Dursleys wasn't fun. True, Dudley was now so scared of Harry he wouldn't stay in the same room,**

There was cheering and laughter remembering what happened to Dudley at the hands of Hagrid and his umbrella (that sounds awkward)

**while Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon didn't shut Harry in his cupboard, force him to do anything, or shout at him - in fact, they didn't speak to him at all. Half terrified, half furious, they acted as though any chair with Harry in it were empty. **

'Well it's better than nothing Flitwick commented with a sigh.

**Although this was an improvement in many ways, it did become a bit depressing after a while.**

Harry kept to his room, with his new owl for company. He had decided to call her Hedwig, a name he had found in A History of Magic. His school books were very interesting. 

'NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!' chorused the Weasley twins and marauders, while Hermione smiled as she had thought the same thing when she first got her books.

**He lay on his bed reading late into the night, Hedwig swooping in and out of the open window as she pleased. It was lucky that Aunt Petunia didn't come in to vacuum anymore, because Hedwig kept bringing back dead mice. Every night before he went to sleep, Harry ticked off another day on the piece of paper he had pinned to the wall, counting down to September the first.  
**

Many students and ex-students smiled nostalgically as they had done and some still did the same each summer.

**On the last day of August he thought he'd better speak to his aunt and uncle about getting to King's Cross station the next day, so he went down to the living room where they were watching a quiz show on television. He cleared his throat to let them know he was there, and Dudley screamed and ran from the room.**

"Er - Uncle Vernon?"

Uncle Vernon grunted to show he was listening.  


'Well he at least sort of acknowledged you' Daphne said semi-optimistically

**"Er - I need to be at King's Cross tomorrow to - to go to Hogwarts."**

Uncle Vernon grunted again.

"Would it be all right if you gave me a lift?"

Grunt. Harry supposed that meant yes.

"Thank you."

'That was the most pleasant conversation you've had with him this whole book' Sirius grumbled

**He was about to go back upstairs when Uncle Vernon actually spoke.**

'Oh crap'

**"Funny way to get to a wizards' school, the train. Magic carpets all got punctures, have they?"**

'No they're illegal in Britain, don't ask me why. (WHY?)' Bella answered. 'Is that what the rug in the locked box is? I thought there were bludgers in it' Sirius said disappointedly at the end.

**Harry didn't say anything.**

"Where is this school, anyway?"

"I don't know," said Harry, realizing this for the first time. He pulled the ticket Hagrid had given him out of his pocket.

"I just take the train from platform nine and three-quarters at eleven o'clock," he read.

**His aunt and uncle stared.**

"Platform what?"  


'What the Hell is wrong with Tuney? She's been to the platform at least 20 or so times to drop Lily off and pick her up with her parents?' Snape said voicing his confusion and annoyance out loud. Harry smiled at the name his once hated Potions professor called his still hated aunt.

**"Nine and three-quarters."**

**"Don't talk rubbish," said Uncle Vernon. "There is no platform nine and three-quarters."**

"It's on my ticket."

"Barking," said Uncle Vernon, "howling mad, the lot of them. You'll see. You just wait. All right, we'll take you to King's Cross. We're going up to London tomorrow anyway, or I wouldn't bother."

"Why are you going to London?" Harry asked, trying to keep things friendly.  


'Liposuction?' asked Padma then started giggling with Lavender

**"Taking Dudley to the hospital," growled Uncle Vernon. "Got to have that ruddy tail removed before he goes to Smeltings."**

'Aw really...' 'He'd have such a good time with it still there' Fred and George twin spoke.

**Harry woke at five o'clock the next morning and was too excited and nervous to go back to sleep. He got up and pulled on his jeans because he didn't want to walk into the station in his wizard's robes - he'd change on the train. **

'First smart thing you did the public were aware of' Draco snarked to which Harry stuck his tongue out at.

**He checked his Hogwarts list yet again to make sure he had everything he needed, saw that Hedwig was shut safely in her cage, and then paced the room, waiting for the Dursleys to get up. Two hours later, Harry's huge, heavy trunk had been loaded into the Dursleys' car, Aunt Petunia had talked Dudley into sitting next to Harry, and they had set off.**

They reached King's Cross at half past ten. Uncle Vernon dumped Harry's trunk onto a cart and wheeled it into the station for him. Harry thought this was strangely kind until Uncle Vernon stopped dead, facing the platforms with a nasty grin on his face.  


'This can't end well'

**"Well, there you are, boy. Platform nine - platform ten. Your platform should be somewhere in the middle, but they don't seem to have built it yet, do they?"**

He was quite right, of course. There was a big plastic number nine over one platform and a big plastic number ten over the one next to it, and in the middle, nothing at all.

'There is you just can't see it'

**"Have a good term," said Uncle Vernon with an even nastier smile. He left without another word. Harry turned and saw the Dursleys drive away. All three of them were laughing. Harry's mouth went rather dry. What on earth was he going to do? He was starting to attract a lot of funny looks, because of Hedwig. He'd have to ask someone.**

He stopped a passing guard, but didn't dare mention platform nine and three-quarters. The guard had never heard of Hogwarts and when Harry couldn't even tell him what part of the country it was in, he started to get annoyed, as though Harry was being stupid on purpose. 

'There are times like this where Harry doesn't need to pretend' Hermione jabbed at Harry who mock pouted

**Getting desperate, Harry asked for the train that left at eleven o'clock, but the guard said there wasn't one. In the end the guard strode away, muttering about time wasters. Harry was now trying hard not to panic. According to the large clock over the arrivals board, he had ten minutes left to get on the train to Hogwarts and he had no idea how to do it; he was stranded in the middle of a station with a trunk he could hardly lift, a pocket full of wizard money, and a large owl.**

'Yeah this will end badly' Tonks said with a grim expression

**Hagrid must have forgotten to tell him something you had to do, like tapping the third brick on the left to get into Diagon Alley. He wondered if he should get out his wand and start tapping the ticket inspector's stand between platforms nine and ten.**

At that moment a group of people passed just behind him and he caught a few words of what they were saying.

"- packed with Muggles, of course-"  


The entire Hall face palmed as Snaky stood up and announced 'Now introducing; The Morons!' which received a small applause.

**Harry swung round. The speaker was a plump woman who was talking to four boys, all with flaming red hair. **

'Weasleys' Draco sneered then realising something turned to the twins 'No offence' 'None taken, we thought Mum was acting weird that day too' 'That and we're not that happy with certain people in our family either'

**Each of them was pushing a trunk like Harry's in front of him - and they had an owl.  
**  
**Heart hammering, Harry pushed his cart after them. They stopped and so did he, just near enough to hear what they were saying.**

"Now, what's the platform number?" said the boys' mother.  


Snaky had taken to banging his head against the table and growling in several languages including Parseltongue, Russian and Japanese '_stupid paid off carrot tops_' (Pretty much all except English, so he's safe from Dumbles and Weasels)

**"Nine and three-quarters!" piped a small girl, also red-headed, who was holding her hand, "Mom, can't I go..."**

"You're not old enough, Ginny, now be quiet. All right, Percy, you go first."

What looked like the oldest boy marched toward platforms nine and ten. Harry watched, careful not to blink in case he missed it - but just as the boy reached the dividing barrier between the two platforms, a large crowd of tourists came swarming in front of him and by the time the last backpack had cleared away, the boy had vanished.  


'That was convenient' said Daphne. 'But they're pure bloods or at least have a magical home, why didn't they just floo in like most of the others do?' asked her friend Tracy

******"****Fred, you next," the plump woman said.**

"I'm not Fred, I'm George," said the boy. "Honestly, woman, you call yourself our mother? Can't you tell I'm George?"

"Sorry, George, dear."

"Only joking, I am Fred," said the boy, and off he went. 

'Actually it was Forge' 'Are you sure about that Gred?'

**His twin called after him to hurry up, and he must have done so, because a second later, he had gone - but how had he done it?**

Now the third brother was walking briskly toward the barrier he was almost there - and then, quite suddenly, he wasn't anywhere.  
**  
****There was nothing else for it.**

"Excuse me," Harry said to the plump woman.

"Hello, dear," she said. "First time at Hogwarts? Ron's new, too."

She pointed at the last and youngest of her sons. He was tall, thin, and gangling, with freckles, big hands and feet, and a long nose.  


Harry's group as well as all the Slytherins and most of the Gryffindors laughed at Harry's first description of Ron, while said Weasel was sneering at Harry who after being sneered and glared at by Snape for 4 ½ years was completely unaffected.

**"Yes," said Harry. "The thing is - the thing is, I don't know how to-"**

"How to get onto the platform?" she said kindly, and Harry nodded.  


'Sorry 'Arry' It's Ok Hagrid'

**"Not to worry," she said. "All you have to do is walk straight at the barrier between platforms nine and ten. Don't stop and don't be scared you'll crash into it, that's very important. Best do it at a bit of a run if you're nervous. Go on, go now before Ron."**

"Er - okay," said Harry.

He pushed his trolley around and stared at the barrier. It looked very solid.  


'Believe me it is' Harry said with a slightly pained expression, Hedwig hooting in agreement.

**He started to walk toward it. People jostled him on their way to platforms nine and ten. Harry walked more quickly. He was going to smash right into that barrier and then he'd be in trouble - leaning forward on his cart, he broke into a heavy run - the barrier was coming nearer and nearer - he wouldn't be able to stop - the cart was out of control - he was a foot away - he closed his eyes ready for the crash -  
**

'Silly gloomy Harry, leave nice Harry alone' Luna scolded Harry's head, the rest of the group giving her odd looks which she ignored.

**It didn't come... he kept on running... he opened his eyes. A scarlet steam engine was waiting next to a platform packed with people. A sign overhead said Hogwarts' Express, eleven o'clock. Harry looked behind him and saw a wrought-iron archway where the barrier had been, with the words Platform Nine and Three-Quarters on it, He had done it.  
**

Harry's year group whooped at this as they remembered their first ride to Hogwarts fondly.

**Smoke from the engine drifted over the heads of the chattering crowd, while cats of every color wound here and there between their legs. Owls hooted to one another in a disgruntled sort of way over the babble and the scraping of heavy trunks.**

The first few carriages were already packed with students, some hanging out of the window to talk to their families, some fighting over seats. Harry pushed his cart off down the platform in search of an empty seat. He passed a round-faced boy who was saying, "Gran, I've lost my toad again."  


Neville groaned at his first appearance and description, Harry smiled apologetically to him and he cheered up slightly

**"Oh, Neville," he heard the old woman sigh.**

A boy with dreadlocks was surrounded by a small crowd.  


'LEE' The twins cheered at there friend

**"Give us a look, Lee, go on."**

The boy lifted the lid of a box in his arms, and the people around him shrieked and yelled as something inside poked out a long, hairy leg.  


Ron visibly shuddered which got a slight smile from Snaky which was largely unnoticed by the people he was with

**Harry pressed on through the crowd until he found an empty compartment near the end of the train. He put Hedwig inside first and then started to shove and heave his trunk toward the train door. He tried to lift it up the steps but could hardly raise one end and twice he dropped it painfully on his foot.  
**

'Considering everything we've heard so far it's no wonder you were such a weakling back then' George joked 'Thanks guys I feel so much better now' Harry replied sarcastically.

**"Want a hand?" It was one of the red-haired twins he'd followed through the barrier.**

"Yes, please," Harry panted.

"Oy, Fred! C'mere and help!"

With the twins' help, Harry's trunk was at last tucked away in a corner of the compartment.

"Thanks," said Harry, pushing his sweaty hair out of his eyes.

"What's that?" said one of the twins suddenly, pointing at Harry's lightning scar.

"Blimey," said the other twin. "Are you - ?"

"He is," said the first twin. "Aren't you?" he added to Harry.

"What?" said Harry.

"Harry Potter." chorused the twins.

"Oh, him," said Harry. "I mean, yes, I am."  


**The two boys gawked at him, and Harry felt himself turning red. Then, to his relief, a voice came floating in through the train's open door.**

"Fred? George? Are you there?"

"Coming, Mom."

With a last look at Harry, the twins hopped off the train.

Harry sat down next to the window where, half hidden, he could watch the red-haired family on the platform and hear what they were saying. Their mother had just taken out her handkerchief.

"Ron, you've got something on your nose."

The youngest boy tried to jerk out of the way, but she grabbed him and began rubbing the end of his nose.  


The hall sniggered while Ron turned as red as his hair

**"Mom - geroff" He wriggled free.**

"Aaah has ickle Ronnie got somefink on his nosie?" said one of the twins.

"Shut up," said Ron.

"Where's Percy?" said their mother.

"He's coming now."

The oldest boy came striding into sight. He had already changed into his billowing black Hogwarts robes, and Harry noticed a shiny silver badge on his chest with the letter P on it.  


'Wow that was fast' 'Ah yes P for prat' 'I thought it was prick?' 'No it's plonker'. 'Just to check, pedo is taking it to far right?' Sirius whispered to Bella 'Yeah, a bit' she answered.

**"Can't stay long, Mother," he said. "I'm up front, the prefects have got two compartments to themselves-"**

"Oh, are you a prefect, Percy?" said one of the twins, with an air of great surprise. "You should have said something, we had no idea."

"Hang on, I think I remember him saying something about it," said the other twin. "Once-"

"Or twice-"

"A minute-"

"All summer-"  


'That sounds so terrible' Pansy groaned. 'It was!' the twins answered together with looks that attracted pity on their faces

**"Oh, shut up," said Percy the Prefect.  
**

'Good one Harry'

**"How come Percy gets new robes, anyway?" said one of the twins.**

"Because he's a prefect," said their mother fondly.

'Ah yes because blatant favouritism is A OK' Daphne said sarcastically. 'Your one to talk, you mini Death eaters are all favourite by Snape in school' Ron retorted. 'That is what she means, why are Gryffindors allowed favouritism but Slytherins can't. It's either all by different people or nobody at all' Hermione countered logically.

**"All right, dear, well, have a good term - send me an owl when you get there."**

She kissed Percy on the cheek and he left. Then she turned to the twins.  
**  
****"Now, you two - this year, you behave yourselves. If I get one more owl telling me you've - you've blown up a toilet or-"  
**

'Remus started laughing 'You never give pranksters ideas when trying to make them stop, Lily used to but that was before we figured out she actually enjoyed the more widespread ones like all the students or an entire house Head included. Sometimes we used to prank the Slytherins just to prank Slughorn'

**"Blown up a toilet? We've never blown up a toilet."**

"Great idea though, thanks, Mom."  


'See what I mean'

**"It's not funny. And look after Ron."**

"Don't worry; ickle Ronniekins is safe with us."  


'From everyone except for us of course'

**"Shut up," said Ron again. He was almost as tall as the twins already and his nose was still pink where his mother had rubbed it.**

"Hey, Mom, guess what? Guess who we just met on the train?"

****'Sorry about that Harry' It's OK guys, you didn't know'

**Harry leaned back quickly so they couldn't see him looking.**

"You know that black-haired boy who was near us in the station? Know who he is?"

"Who?"

**"Harry Potter!"**

**Harry heard the little girl's voice.**

**"Oh, Mom, can I go on the train and see him, Mom, eh please..."**

**"You've already seen him, Ginny, and the poor boy isn't something you goggle at in a zoo. Is he really, Fred? How do you know?"**

"Asked him. Saw his scar. It's really there - like lightning."

"Poor dear - no wonder he was alone, I wondered. He was ever so polite when he asked how to get onto the platform."

"Never mind that, do you think he remembers what You-Know-Who looks like?"

Their mother suddenly became very stern.

"I forbid you to ask him, Fred. No, don't you dare. As though he needs reminding of that on his first day at school."

'Could have been worse, you guys could have asked about how my home life was between then and now' Harry said glumly

**"All right, keep your hair on."**

**A whistle sounded.**

"Hurry up!" their mother said, and the three boys clambered onto the train. They leaned out of the window for her to kiss them good-bye, and their younger sister began to cry.

"Don't, Ginny, we'll send you loads of owls."

"We'll send you a Hogwarts' toilet seat."

"George!"

"Only joking, Mom."  


'I never did get that toilet seat' said Ginny 'Found a more worthy cause, well we tried' said Fred as Harry smiled at the memory.

**The train began to move. Harry saw the boys' mother waving and their sister, half laughing, half crying, running to keep up with the train until it gathered too much speed, then she fell back and waved.  
**

Seeing as everyone else was distracted Snaky mockingly waved at Ginny, a Snape worthy sneer marring his features.

**Harry watched the girl and her mother disappear as the train rounded the corner. Houses flashed past the window. Harry felt a great leap of excitement. He didn't know what he was going to - but it had to be better than what he was leaving behind.**

The door of the compartment slid open and the youngest redheaded boy came in.

"Anyone sitting there?" he asked, pointing at the seat opposite Harry. "Everywhere else is full."  


'No they weren't! Me and Neville had to search at least 7 empty compartments looking for Trevor' Hermione yelled, Ron trying to glare the bushy haired witch into silence but stopped once Harry turned to look at him.

**Harry shook his head and the boy sat down. He glanced at Harry and then looked quickly out of the window, pretending he hadn't looked. Harry saw he still had a black mark on his nose.  
**

More sniggering and giggles 'ENOUGH ALREADY!' Ron Screeched at the Hall.

**"Hey, Ron."**

The twins were back.  


The twins were treated to cheers which made Umbridge look like she'd swallowed a lemon.

**"Listen, we're going down the middle of the train - Lee Jordan's got a giant tarantula down there."**

"Right," mumbled Ron.

"Harry," said the other twin, "did we introduce ourselves? Fred and George Weasley. And this is Ron, our brother. 

'_A fact for which the others are constantly mocked for_' Snaky hissed and Tom laughed while Nagini just smiled-ish. (If anyone gets that reference free cyber cookie)

**See you later, then."**

"Bye," said Harry and Ron. The twins slid the compartment door shut behind them.

"Are you really Harry Potter?" Ron blurted out.  


There was a huge thud caused by half the Hall's occupants' heads colliding with their tables at sort of high speed at Ron's stupidity.

**Harry nodded.**

"Oh - well, I thought it might be one of Fred and George's jokes," said Ron. "And have you really got - you know..."

He pointed at Harry's forehead.  


'Smooth ... Like a diamond sander' Lupin said.

**Harry pulled back his bangs to show the lightning scar. Ron stared.**

"So that's where You-Know-Who -?"

"Yes," said Harry, "but I can't remember it."

"Nothing?" said Ron eagerly.

"Well - I remember a lot of green light, but nothing else."

"Wow," said Ron. He sat and stared at Harry for a few moments, then, as though he had suddenly realized what he was doing, he looked quickly out of the window again.

"Are all your family wizards?" asked Harry, who found Ron just as interesting as Ron found him.

"Er - Yes, I think so," said Ron. "I think Mom's got a second cousin who's an accountant, but we never talk about him."  


'_I can see why_' Nagini hissed in annoyance

**"So you must know loads of magic already."**

The Weasleys were clearly one of those old wizarding families the pale boy in Diagon Alley had talked about.  


'Not even close'

**"I heard you went to live with Muggles," said Ron. "What are they like?"**

"Horrible - well, not all of them. My aunt and uncle and cousin are, though. Wish I'd had three wizard brothers."  
**  
****"Five," said Ron. For some reason, he was looking gloomy. "I'm the sixth in our family to go to Hogwarts. You could say I've got a lot to live up to. Bill and Charlie have already left - Bill was head boy and Charlie was captain of Quidditch. Now Percy's a prefect. Fred and George mess around a lot, but they still get really good marks and everyone thinks they're really funny. Everyone expects me to do as well as the others, but if I do, it's no big deal, because they did it first. You never get anything new, either, with five brothers. I've got Bill's old robes, Charlie's old wand, and Percy's old rat."  
**

'Last chapter's question, just as relevant now' Snaky asked, this time Dumbledore didn't answer as he couldn't tell him the truth and this thing couldn't seem to be lied to.

**Ron reached inside his jacket and pulled out a fat grey rat, which was asleep.  
**

Harry's group glared angrily at the book at the mention of the furry cowardly traitor

**"His name's Scabbers and he's useless, he hardly ever wakes up. Percy got an owl from my dad for being made a prefect, but they couldn't aff - I mean, I got Scabbers instead."  
**

'Why do you need a pet? If you can't afford one just don't get one. The twin's don't even have one and neither does Ginny' Hermione asked 'because I did' was Ron's rather flimsy answer

**Ron's ears went pink. He seemed to think he'd said too much, because he went back to staring out of the window.**

Harry didn't think there was anything wrong with not being able to afford an owl. After all, he'd never had any money in his life until a month ago, and he told Ron so, all about having to wear Dudley's old clothes and never getting proper birthday presents. This seemed to cheer Ron up.  


'Oh course it did, it made him look better than you' Bella rather logically (Well for Bellatrix the Strange) answered.

**"... and until Hagrid told me, I didn't know anything about being a wizard or about my parents or Voldemort-"**

Ron gasped.

"What?" said Harry.

"You said You-Know-Who's name!" said Ron, sounding both shocked and impressed. "I'd have thought you, of all people-"  


'Yes I of all people should be able to seeing as I 'beat' him' said Harry making bunny ears around 'beat'.

**"I'm not trying to be brave or anything, saying the name," said Harry, "I just never knew you shouldn't. See what I mean? I've got loads to learn... I bet," he added, voicing for the first time something that had been worrying him a lot lately, "I bet I'm the worst in the class."  
**

'No that would be us' said Crabbe and Goyle unhappily but honestly 'At least Neville is good with the plants, and the rest is a no-confidence thing, we just suck' 'We've kinda accepted it and know we're better at being the brawn than brains'

**"You won't be. There's loads of people who come from Muggle families and they learn quick enough."  
**

'#Cough# Hermione #Cough#' went Harry, Hermione blushing and his group smiling at them.

**While they had been talking, the train had carried them out of London. Now they were speeding past fields full of cows and sheep. They were quiet for a time, watching the fields and lanes flick past.**

Around half past twelve there was a great clattering outside in the corridor and a smiling, dimpled woman slid back their door and said, "Anything off the cart, dears?"

Harry, who hadn't had any breakfast, (growls aimed at family)** leapt to his feet, but Ron's ears went pink again and he muttered that he'd brought sandwiches. Harry went out into the corridor.**

He had never had any money for candy with the Dursleys, and now that he had pockets rattling with gold and silver he was ready to buy as many Mars Bars as he could carry - but the woman didn't have Mars Bars. What she did have were Bettie Bott's Every Flavour Beans, Drooble's Best Blowing Gum, Chocolate Frogs. Pumpkin Pasties, Cauldron Cakes, Liquorice Wands, and a number of other strange things Harry had never seen in his life. Not wanting to miss anything, he got some of everything and paid the woman eleven silver Sickles and seven bronze Knuts.  


'That's a lot for one person' 'Well I hadn't eaten anything all day and we don't reach Hogwarts till nightfall at least'

**Ron stared as Harry brought it all back in to the compartment and tipped it onto an empty seat.**

"Hungry, are you?"

"Starving," said Harry, taking a large bite out of a pumpkin pasty.  
**  
****Ron had taken out a lumpy package and unwrapped it. There were four sandwiches inside. He pulled one of them apart and said, "She always forgets I don't like corned beef.."**

"Swap you for one of these," said Harry, holding up a pasty. "Go on-"

"You don't want this, it's all dry," said Ron. "She hasn't got much time," he added quickly, "you know, with five of us."

"Go on, have a pasty," said Harry, who had never had anything to share before or, indeed, anyone to share it with. 

'I blame it on having no friends' Harry said 'I blame your current situation on that too, you become trusting way to easily to anyone who shows you any kindness' Snaky countered.

**It was a nice feeling, sitting there with Ron; eating their way through all Harry's pasties, cakes, and candies (the sandwiches lay forgotten).**

"What are these?" Harry asked Ron, holding up a pack of Chocolate Frogs. "They're not really frogs, are they?" He was starting to feel that nothing would surprise him.

"No," said Ron. "But see what the card is. I'm missing Agrippa."

"What?"

"Oh, of course, you wouldn't know - Chocolate Frogs have cards, inside them, you know, to collect - famous witches and wizards. I've got about five hundred, but I haven't got Agrippa or Ptolemy."

Harry unwrapped his Chocolate Frog and picked up the card. It showed a man's face. He wore half-moon glasses, had a long, crooked nose, and flowing silver hair, beard, and moustache. Underneath the picture was the name Albus Dumbledore.  


'_Ah crap' 'Bad Tom' 'Sorry Nagini'_

**"So this is Dumbledore!" said Harry.**

"Don't tell me you'd never heard of Dumbledore!" said Ron. 

'He was raised; barely I'll admit; in the muggle world, of course he knows who Dumbledore is' Snape said with his usual dollop of sarcasm.

**"Can I have a frog? I might get Agrippa - thanks-"**

**Harry turned over his card and read:**

**ALBUS DUMBLEDORE  
****  
****CURRENTLY HEADMASTER OF HOGWARTS  
****  
Considered by many the greatest wizard of modern times, Dumbledore is particularly famous for his defeat of the dark wizard Grindelwald in 1945, for the discovery of the twelve uses of dragon's blood, and his work on alchemy with his partner, Nicolas Flamel. **

'That could've saved us so much research if we'd remembered that' Harry said 'Yeah mate, we wouldn't have had to go to the library with Hermione everyday' Ron called back completely oblivious to the glares from the group and tried to get over to Harry, but was stopped by Fred/George and Neville.

**Professor Dumbledore enjoys chamber music and tenpin bowling.**

Harry turned the card back over and saw, to his astonishment, that Dumbledore's face had disappeared.  


Thank God for small miracles'

**"He's gone!"**

"Well, you can't expect him to hang around all day," said Ron. "He'll be back. No, I've got Morgana again and I've got about six of her... do you want it? You can start collecting."

Ron's eyes strayed to the pile of Chocolate Frogs waiting to be unwrapped.  


'Ron once again using another organ people shouldn't try to think with' Hermione said subtly mocking him but he didn't notice.

**"Help yourself," said Harry. "But in, you know, the Muggle world, people just stay put in photos."**

"Do they? What, they don't move at all?" Ron sounded amazed. "Weird!"

Harry stared as Dumbledore sidled back into the picture on his card and gave him a small smile. Ron was more interested in eating the frogs than looking at the Famous Witches and Wizards cards, 

'We totally believe that'

**but Harry couldn't keep his eyes off them. Soon he had not only Dumbledore and Morgana, but Hengist of Woodcroft, Alberic Grunnion, Circe, Paracelsus, and Merlin. He finally tore his eyes away from the Druidess Cliodna, who was scratching her nose, to open a bag of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans.**

"You want to be careful with those," Ron warned Harry. "When they say every flavour, they mean every flavour - you know, you get all the ordinary ones like chocolate and peppermint and marmalade, but then you can get spinach and liver and tripe. George reckons he had a booger-flavoured one once."  


'I lied; it was to try get Ron off them, as you can see it didn't work'

**Ron picked up a green bean, looked at it carefully, and bit into a corner.**

"Bleaaargh - see? Sprouts."

They had a good time eating the Every Flavour Beans. Harry got toast, coconut, baked bean, strawberry, curry, grass,

'How do you know what grass tastes like?' Hermione asked 'Dursleys' Harry answered Hermione's face morphed to a scowl

**coffee, sardine, and was even brave enough to nibble the end off a funny grey one Ron wouldn't touch, which turned out to be pepper.**

The countryside now flying past the window was becoming wilder. The neat fields had gone. Now there were woods, twisting rivers, and dark green hills.

There was a knock on the door of their compartment and the round-faced boy Harry had passed on platform nine and three-quarters came in. He looked tearful.  


'Hi Neville!' Harry called cheerfully which Neville returned with a small smile.

**"Sorry," he said, "but have you seen a toad at all?"**

When they shook their heads, he wailed, "I've lost him! He keeps getting away from me!"  


'Maybe he realised how un-cool he was and was trying to save your house cred' Snaky said reassuringly 'Thanks, maybe' Neville replied

**"He'll turn up," said Harry.**

"Yes," said the boy miserably. "Well, if you see him..."

He left.  


**"Don't know why he's so bothered," said Ron. "If I'd brought a toad I'd lose it as quick as I could. Mind you, I brought Scabbers, so I can't talk."**

The rat was still snoozing on Ron's lap.

"He might have died and you wouldn't know the difference," said Ron in disgust. 

'_I think you would_' Snaky hissed and Harry remembered animagus revert back to human when they die.

**"I tried to turn him yellow yesterday to make him more interesting, but the spell didn't work. I'll show you, look..."**

He rummaged around in his trunk and pulled out a very battered-looking wand. It was chipped in places and something white was glinting at the end.

"Unicorn hair's nearly poking out. Anyway-"

He had just raised his wand when the compartment door slid open again. The toad less boy was back, but this time he had a girl with him. She was already wearing her new Hogwarts robes.

"Has anyone seen a toad? Neville's lost one," she said. She had a bossy sort of voice, lots of bushy brown hair, and rather large front teeth.  


Hermione ducked her head trying to hide her hurt expression when Harry pulled her into his embrace and tried comforting her, the rest of the students looking fondly at them apart from about 5 people (Dumbles, Ron, Ginny, Molly and Toad) who glared hatefully at them

**"We've already told him we haven't seen it," said Ron, but the girl wasn't listening, she was looking at the wand in his hand.**

"Oh, are you doing magic? Let's see it, then."

She sat down. Ron looked taken aback.

"Er - all right."

He cleared his throat.

"Sunshine, daisies, butter mellow,

Turn this stupid, fat rat yellow."  


The Hall erupted with laughter (especially the Slytherins) at Ron's stupidity of believing the spell was real, meanwhile Fred and George stood up and bowed to the students receiving a standing ovation.

**He waved his wand, but nothing happened. Scabbers stayed grey and fast asleep.**

"Are you sure that's a real spell?" said the girl. "Well, it's not very good, is it? 

'Are you sure that's a real wand and not something your dad cobbled together the muggle way' Draco sneered

**I've tried a few simple spells just for practice and it's all worked for me. **

'Your underage, how could you do magic' Daphne asked. Hermione looked panicked and stuttered out 'Leaky Cauldron' (Valid Question)

**Nobody in my family's magic at all, it was ever such a surprise when I got my letter, but I was ever so pleased, of course, I mean, it's the very best school of witchcraft there is, I've heard - I've learned all our course books by heart, of course, I just hope it will be enough - I'm Hermione Granger, by the way, who are you?"  
**

'Ms Granger you do know how to breathe right?' Snape asked slightly panting causing Hermione to blush.

**She said all this very fast.  
**

'No shit Sherlock the book'

**Harry looked at Ron, and was relieved to see by his stunned face that he hadn't learned all the course books by heart either.  
**

'No one has, well Lily might have but she was an exception kind of like Hermione herself' McGonagall said the pride in her voice evident 'How are you not in our house?' asked a Ravenclaw 6th year.

**"I'm Ron Weasley," Ron muttered.**

"Harry Potter," said Harry.

"Are you really?" said Hermione. "I know all about you, of course - I got a few extra books, for background reading, and you're in Modern Magical History and The Rise and Fall of the Dark Arts and Great Wizarding Events of the Twentieth Century."  


'Am I really?' 'Yes, though none of them have any actual true facts in them, the authors mostly just made shit up and hoped it would sell' 'Oh, we need to do something about that soon as possible'

**"Am I?" said Harry, feeling dazed.**

"Goodness, didn't you know, I'd have found out everything I could if it was me," said Hermione. "Do either of you know what house you'll be in? I've been asking around, and I hope I'm in Gryffindor, it sounds by far the best; I hear Dumbledore himself was in it, but I suppose Ravenclaw wouldn't be too bad... Anyway, we'd better go and look for Neville's toad. You two had better change, you know, I expect we'll be there soon."

And she left, taking the toad less boy with her.  


'Am I going to be know as Toad Less Boy for the whole book?' asked Neville 'No. Most likely you'll be toad less boy until someone finds Trevor or we find out something more interesting about you' Harry replied. 'This is Neville we're taking about; nothing about him is interesting, am I right?' Ron joked, but nobody laughed making him look like even more of a prick.

**"Whatever house I'm in, I hope she's not in it," said Ron. He threw his wand back into his trunk. "Stupid spell - George gave it to me, bet he knew it was a dud."  
**

'Of course I did!'

**"What house are your brothers in?" asked Harry.**

"Gryffindor," said Ron. Gloom seemed to be settling on him again. "Mom and Dad were in it, too. I don't know what they'll say if I'm not. I don't suppose Ravenclaw would be too bad, but imagine if they put me in Slytherin."  


'You don't have the cunning or subtlety to be a Slytherin'

**"That's the house Vol-, I mean; You-Know-Who was in?"  
**

'Um Harry that was a step backwards for you' 'Don't worry it won't last long'

**"Yeah," said Ron. He flopped back into his seat, looking depressed.**

"You know, I think the ends of Scabbers' whiskers are a bit lighter," said Harry, trying to take Ron's mind off houses. "So what do your oldest brothers do now that they've left, anyway?"

Harry was wondering what a wizard did once he'd finished school.

"Charlie's in Romania studying dragons, and Bill's in Africa doing something for Gringotts," said Ron. "Did you hear about Gringotts? It's been all over the Daily Prophet, but I don't suppose you get that with the Muggles - someone tried to rob a high security vault."  
**  
****Harry stared.**

"Really? What happened to them?"

"Nothing, that's why it's such big news. They haven't been caught. My dad says it must've been a powerful Dark wizard to get round Gringotts, but they don't think they took anything, that's what's odd. 'Course, everyone gets scared when something like this happens in case You-Know-Who's behind it."  


'_He was_' 'This is my point, you people are afraid of a dead man but when you're told that you're right and he's not dead you deny it the entire time' Hermione announced to the Hall. '20 points from Gryffindor Miss Granger for embarrassing your betters' Yelled Umbridge '40 points to Gryffindor, I don't feel insulted, offended or embarrassed, not one bit' Snaky countered with a smirk infuriating Umbridge '_Filthy mongrel verbally attacking a pureblood like me and defending a mudblood like Granger, he'll pay! I'll see him in Azkaban if it's the last thing I do_'

**Harry turned this news over in his mind. He was starting to get a prickle of fear every time You-Know-Who was mentioned. He supposed this was all part of entering the magical world, but it had been a lot more comfortable saying "Voldemort" without worrying.**

"What's your Quidditch team?" Ron asked.

"Er - I don't know any." Harry confessed.

"What!" Ron looked dumbfounded. 

'Again, MUGGLE RAISED!'

**"Oh, you wait; it's the best game in the world -" **

'Debateable' 'NO IT ISN'T' 'Yeah it is'

**And he was off, explaining all about the four balls and the positions of the seven players, describing famous games he'd been to with his brothers and the broomstick he'd like to get if he had the money. He was just taking Harry through the finer points of the game when the compartment door slid open yet again, but it wasn't Neville the toad less boy or Hermione Granger this time.  
****  
****Three boys entered, and Harry recognized the middle one at once: it was the pale boy from Madam Malkin's robe shop. He was looking at Harry with a lot more interest than he'd shown back in Diagon Alley.**

"Is it true?" he said. "They're saying all down the train that Harry Potter's in this compartment. So it's you, is it?"  


'What an arsehole' 'Draco you know it's you, right?' 'Yeah' '0_0 OK'

**"Yes," said Harry. He was looking at the other boys. Both of them were thickset and looked extremely mean. Standing on either side of the pale boy, they looked like bodyguards.**

"Oh, this is Crabbe and this is Goyle," said the pale boy carelessly, noticing where Harry was looking. "And my name's Malfoy, Draco Malfoy."  


'The names Bond, James Bond' said Harry getting sniggers from many of the Half blood and Muggleborn in the hall.

**Ron gave a slight cough, which might have been hiding a snigger. Draco Malfoy looked at him.**

"Think my name's funny, do you? No need to ask who you are. My father told me all the Weasleys have red hair, freckles, and more children than they can afford."  


'WOW! Most accurate description I've heard from someone not Harry' said Luna in a completely lucid voice

**He turned back to Harry. "You'll soon find out some wizarding families are much better than others, Potter. You don't want to go making friends with the wrong sort. I can help you there."  
**

'Yeah kinda fucked up on that department' groaned Harry 'But at least I still have Neville and Hermione and more recently Luna' 'Yeah, they aren't exactly what I meant as the Longbottoms are light sided and Lovegoods are mostly neutral but they are powerful wizarding families, also Granger is OK as her brain outweighs her blood status. She might be above the mudbloods, just like your mother' Draco said with a very Slytherin smirk 'One last thing; Hermione, Neville I wish to give blanket apologies to the both of you for the last 4 ½ years. I'd list them but I can't remember them all and the books will do it for me' Sure Malfoy' 'OK Draco' answered Hermione and Neville.

**He held out his hand to shake Harry's, but Harry didn't take it.**

"I think I can tell who the wrong sort are for myself, thanks," he said coolly.

Draco Malfoy didn't go red, but a pink tinge appeared in his pale cheeks.  


'Yeah this is where the anger began, you snubbing me for the bastards known as the Weasley family. You may've just entered the wizarding world but you'd just sided yourself with Dumbledore's most loyal minions, something that would've made it hard to make friends in Slytherin even before being sorted into Gryffindor' Draco admitted glad to finally have it off his chest. Harry understood what he meant, knowing what Dumbledore represented to the Dark and Neutral families.

**"I'd be careful if I were you, Potter," he said slowly. "Unless you're a bit politer you'll go the same way as your parents. They didn't know what was good for them, either. You hang around with riffraff like the Weasleys and that Hagrid, and it'll rub off on you."  
**

'I apologise for the 1st part and the verrrrrrrrry end' (Basically sorry for the parents thing and insulting Hagrid, Ron is free game)

**Both Harry and Ron stood up.**

"Say that again," Ron said, his face as red as his hair.

"Oh, you're going to fight us, are you?" Malfoy sneered.

"Unless you get out now," said Harry, more bravely than he felt, because Crabbe and Goyle were a lot bigger than him or Ron.

"But we don't feet like leaving, do we, boys? We've eaten all our food and you still seem to have some."

Goyle reached toward the Chocolate Frogs next to Ron - Ron leapt forward, but before he'd so much as touched Goyle, Goyle let out a horrible yell.

Scabbers the rat was hanging off his finger, sharp little teeth sunk deep into Goyle's knuckle – 

'1st useful thing he's ever done' Sirius spat.

**Crabbe and Malfoy backed away as Goyle swung Scabbers round and round, howling, and when Scabbers finally flew off and hit the window, all three of them disappeared at once. Perhaps they thought there were more rats lurking among the sweets, or perhaps they'd heard footsteps, because a second later, Hermione Granger had come in.**

**"What has been going on?" she said, looking at the sweets all over the floor and Ron picking up Scabbers by his tail.**

"I think he's been knocked out," Ron said to Harry. He looked closer at Scabbers. "No - I don't believe it - he's gone back to sleep."  


'Typical rat' Bella sneered her hatred for the spineless fool evident, he didn't deserve to be a death eater and Nagini should've killed him already.

**And so he had.**

"You've met Malfoy before?"

Harry explained about their meeting in Diagon Alley.

"I've heard of his family," said Ron darkly. "They were some of the first to come back to our side after You-Know-Who disappeared. Said they'd been bewitched. My dad doesn't believe it. He says Malfoy's father didn't need an excuse to go over to the Dark Side." 

'Only because the light side has no chance of succeeding' Lucius said with determination in his words. 'I have a bad feeling the last book will prove you wrong Mr Malfoy' Hermione replied.

**He turned to Hermione. "Can we help you with something?"  
**

'_Prick'_

**"You'd better hurry up and put your robes on, I've just been up to the front to ask the conductor, and he says we're nearly there. You haven't been fighting, have you? You'll be in trouble before we even get there!"  
**

'I wonder who's house would've gotten the deductions if they had?' Snaky wondered aloud 'I'm sure they would lose the points once they were sorted, points out the troublemakers _that get caught_ to their housemates' Snape answered neutrally.

**"Scabbers has been fighting, not us," said Ron, scowling at her. "Would you mind leaving while we change?"**

"All right - I only came in here because people outside are behaving very childishly, racing up and down the corridors," said Hermione in a sniffy voice. "And you've got dirt on your nose, by the way, did you know?"  


'ENOUGH ALREADY!' Ron bellowed, which only increased the laughter at his expense.

**Ron glared at her as she left. Harry peered out of the window. It was getting dark. He could see mountains and forests under a deep purple sky. The train did seem to be slowing down.**

He and Ron took off their jackets and pulled on their long black robes. Ron's were a bit short for him, you could see his sneakers underneath them.  


'He looks stupid cause he's poor'

**A voice echoed through the train: "We will be reaching Hogwarts in five minutes' time. Please leave your luggage on the train, it will be taken to the school separately."**

'Gotta love those House Elves' Draco said with a smile

**Harry's stomach lurched with nerves and Ron, he saw, looked pale under his freckles. They crammed their pockets with the last of the sweets and joined the crowd thronging the corridor.**

The train slowed right down and finally stopped. People pushed their way toward the door and out on to a tiny, dark platform. Harry shivered in the cold night air. Then a lamp came bobbing over the heads of the students, and Harry heard a familiar voice: "Firs' years! Firs' years over here! All right there, Harry?"

Hagrid's big hairy face beamed over the sea of heads.  


'Yay Hagrid'

**"C'mon, follow me - any more firs' years? Mind yer step, now! Firs' years follow me!"**

Slipping and stumbling, they followed Hagrid down what seemed to be a steep, narrow path. It was so dark on either side of them that Harry thought there must be thick trees there. Nobody spoke much. Neville, the boy who kept losing his toad, sniffed once or twice.

"Yeh'll get yer firs' sight o' Hogwarts in a sec," Hagrid called over his shoulder, "jus' round this bend here."

There was a loud "Oooooh!"

The narrow path had opened suddenly onto the edge of a great black lake. Perched atop a high mountain on the other side, its windows sparkling in the starry sky, was a vast castle with many turrets and towers.

"No more'n four to a boat!" Hagrid called, pointing to a fleet of little boats sitting in the water by the shore. Harry and Ron were followed into their boat by Neville and Hermione.  


'Well that's not completely awful' Draco said sympathetically

**"Everyone in?" shouted Hagrid, who had a boat to himself. "Right then - FORWARD!"**

And the fleet of little boats moved off all at once, gliding across the lake, which was as smooth as glass. Everyone was silent, staring up at the great castle overhead. It towered over them as they sailed nearer and nearer to the cliff on which it stood.

"Heads down!" yelled Hagrid as the first boats reached the cliff; they all bent their heads and the little boats carried them through a curtain of ivy that hid a wide opening in the cliff face. They were carried along a dark tunnel, which seemed to be taking them right underneath the castle, until they reached a kind of underground harbour, where they clambered out onto rocks and pebbles.  


'I'm not sure how Hagrid can fit if we have to duck to get under' said a 1st year Hufflepuff 'I think he says it for himself and the rest of us duck because he told us to not because we need to' answered Susan 'Oh, that makes sense. Hagrid's making sure we're OK even if it's not needed'

**"Oy, you there! Is this your toad?" said Hagrid, who was checking the boats as people climbed out of them.**

"Trevor!" cried Neville blissfully, holding out his hands. 

'Finally! I'm not toad less boy' Cheered Neville.

**Then they clambered up a passageway in the rock after Hagrid's lamp, coming out at last onto smooth, damp grass right in the shadow of the castle.**

They walked up a flight of stone steps and crowded around the huge, oak front door.

**"Everyone here? You there, still got yer toad?"  
**

'Yep, he's in my dorm room'

**Hagrid raised a gigantic fist and knocked three times on the castle door.**

'That's the end of the 6th chapter' said Snape closing the book. 'I think I should read this one, that way we might actually get to the end of it' Harry called over and the book responded appearing on the table in front of him open at the start of the next chapter.

TBC

LW: OK train ride over, and just for the record if anyone can think of someone other than Harry himself who wouldn't be speechless about what they're about to learn I dare you to tell me. Besides I think Harry should get to read some of his own life story so might as well start while the chapters are still single digits.

Harry: I wonder how everyone will react

Tom: Don't worry Harry you've been doing impossible things for 15 years, people will react accordingly but the important ones will accept it and treat you just as they've always done.

Harry: Thanks Tom

R&R


	8. 7: The Sorting Hat

LW: Ok this is the last one you'll see for a while as school is back soon and I will be otherwise occupied. But still here we go and have fun reading this.

_**Hogwarts reads the Harry Potter Books – Snaky edition.**_ _**Chapter 7**_

Harry internally groaned, worried about how everyone would react to the information in this chapter as he began to read

**Chapter 7 The Sorting Hat**

**The door swung open at once. A tall, black-haired witch in emerald-green robes stood there. She had a very stern face and Harry's first thought was that this was not someone to cross.**

'And yet you still do' McGonagall said with a sigh

**"The firs' years, Professor McGonagall," said Hagrid.**

**"Thank you, Hagrid. I will take them from here."**

**She pulled the door wide. The entrance hall was so big you could have fit the whole of the Dursleys' house in it. The stone walls were lit with flaming torches like the ones at Gringotts, the ceiling was too high to make out, and a magnificent marble staircase facing them led to the upper floors.**

**They followed Professor McGonagall across the flagged stone floor. Harry could hear the drone of hundreds of voices from a doorway to the right - the rest of the school must already be here - but Professor McGonagall showed the first years into a small, empty chamber off the hall. They crowded in, standing rather closer together than they would usually have done, peering about nervously.**

**"Welcome to Hogwarts," said Professor McGonagall. "The start-of-term banquet will begin shortly, but before you take your seats in the Great Hall, you will be sorted into your houses. The Sorting is a very important ceremony because, while you are here, your house will be something like your family within Hogwarts.**

'_Yes because your family randomly turns against you at the slightest thing, then again my experience in the Dursleys so I don't know_' Harry thought bitterly

**You will have classes with the rest of your house, sleep in your house dormitory, and spend free time in your house common room.**

**"The four houses are called Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin. Each house has its own noble history and each has produced outstanding witches and wizards. While you are at Hogwarts, your triumphs will earn your house points, while any rule breaking will lose house points. At the end of the year, the house with the most points is awarded the house cup, a great honour. I hope each of you will be a credit to whichever house becomes yours.**

'Ah yes telling 11 year olds to try out do each other and get the others to loose points doesn't cause deep hatred and rivalry at all' Snaky said in a tone that says he doesn't believe what he's saying.

**"The Sorting Ceremony will take place in a few minutes in front of the rest of the school. I suggest you all smarten yourselves up as much as you can while you are waiting."**

**Her eyes lingered for a moment on Neville's cloak, which was fastened under his left ear, and on Ron's smudged nose **('SHUT THE F*** UP ALREADY!')**. Harry nervously tried to flatten his hair.**

'It's not going to work' Luna sing songed as she tried to mess up his hair, the end result looking the same as when she started.

**"I shall return when we are ready for you," said Professor McGonagall. "Please wait quietly."**

**She left the chamber. Harry swallowed.**

**"How exactly do they sort us into houses?" he asked Ron.**

'Well you take a magic hat and it does legimancy on you and decides where to put you' Sirius said in a voice usually used on 4 year olds (It was either that voice or him sounding like Hermione or McGonagall. This one suited Sirius better) which irritated the red head.

**"Some sort of test, I think. Fred said it hurts a lot, but I think he was joking."**

'Of course I was'

**Harry's heart gave a horrible jolt. A test? In front of the whole school? But he didn't know any magic yet - what on earth would he have to do? **

'That was never going to be how you were picked, the point of Hogwarts is to teach you magic if you already could do it that well you wouldn't need the school' Snape said calmly

**He hadn't expected something like this the moment they arrived. He looked around anxiously and saw that everyone else looked terrified, too. No one was talking much except Hermione Granger, who was whispering very fast about all the spells she'd learned and wondering which one she'd need. Harry tried hard not to listen to her. He'd never been more nervous, never, not even when he'd had to take a school report home to the Dursleys saying that he'd somehow turned his teacher's wig blue. He kept his eyes fixed on the door. Any second now, Professor McGonagall would come back and lead him to his doom.**

'Overdramatic much, eh Harry' Joked Dora 'Shut up I was eleven at the time' Harry replied.

**Then something happened that made him jump about a foot in the air - several people behind him screamed.**

**"What the -?"**

**He gasped. So did the people around him. About twenty ghosts had just streamed through the back wall. Pearly-white and slightly transparent, they glided across the room talking to one another and hardly glancing at the first years. **

'They do that every year, it's the one time I've seen ghosts prank people other than Peeves' Remus said with mischievous grin.

**They seemed to be arguing. What looked like a fat little monk was saying: "Forgive and forget, I say, we ought to give him a second chance-"**

'Far as I know they have that argument every year too, the friar gives more 'second' chances than Dumbledore' Sirius said with a barking laugh

**"My dear Friar, haven't we given Peeves all the chances he deserves? He gives us all a bad name and you know, he's not really even a ghost - I say, what are you all doing here?"**

**A ghost wearing a ruff and tights had suddenly noticed the first years.**

Many of the students looked over to the Gryffindor table at Sir Nicolas who waved and smiled at them.

**Nobody answered.**

**"New students!" said the Fat Friar, smiling around at them. "About to be Sorted, I suppose?"**

'That does seem to be that room's only purpose, hold the first years till everyone's ready'

**A few people nodded mutely.**

**"Hope to see you in Hufflepuff!" said the Friar. "My old house, you know."**

'Nah too trusting' Bella sneered, her position (As in she had her back to them) allowing her to ignore the glares she was receiving from the previously mentioned house, though just the students as the adults were mature enough not to... OK Nymphadora was glaring at her aunt too.

**"Move along now," said a sharp voice. "The Sorting Ceremony's about to start."**

**Professor McGonagall had returned. One by one, the ghosts floated away through the opposite wall.**

'That's always kinda creeped me out' whispered Collin

**"Now, form a line," Professor McGonagall told the first years, "and follow me."**

**Feeling oddly as though his legs had turned to lead, Harry got into line behind a boy with sandy hair, with Ron behind him, and they walked out of the chamber, back across the hall, and through a pair of double doors into the Great Hall.**

Everyone's attention turned to the Hall's doors, then remembering they wouldn't open until the book was over turn back to the story.

**Harry had never even imagined such a strange and splendid place. It was lit by thousands and thousands of candles that were floating in midair over four long tables, where the rest of the students were sitting. These tables were laid with glittering golden plates and goblets. At the top of the hall was another long table where the teachers were sitting. Professor McGonagall led the first years up here, so that they came to a halt in a line facing the other students, with the teachers behind them. The hundreds of faces staring at them looked like pale lanterns in the flickering candlelight. Dotted here and there among the students, the ghosts shone misty silver. Mainly to avoid all the staring eyes, Harry looked upward and saw a velvety black ceiling dotted with stars. He heard Hermione whisper, "It's bewitched to look like the sky outside. I read about it in Hogwarts, A History."**

'That makes two of us Granger that have read that book in our generation, you and me' Daphne said with a knowing smile.

**It was hard to believe there was a ceiling there at all, and that the Great Hall didn't simply open on to the heavens.**

That would be cool as long as it wasn't raining' Sirius mentioned and several students agreed, the twins trying to plan out a way to even temporarily remove the Hall's ceiling.

**Harry quickly looked down again as Professor McGonagall silently placed a four-legged stool in front of the first years. On top of the stool she put a pointed wizard's hat. This hat was patched and frayed and extremely dirty. Aunt Petunia wouldn't have let it in the house.**

'I don't think the Hat would want to be in a muggle house that backwards anyway' Snaky said and Harry had to agree with that, he could see no reason for the hat to be there in the first place.

**Maybe they had to try and get a rabbit out of it, Harry thought wildly, **

'Muggle magic trick' Hermione explained.

**that seemed the sort of thing - noticing that everyone in the hall was now staring at the hat, he stared at it, too. For a few seconds, there was complete silence. Then the hat twitched. A rip near the brim opened wide like a mouth - and the hat began to sing:**

'NO' Harry answered before someone tried to get him to sing, then he had the book ripped from his hands and Luna began to sing.

**"Oh, you may not think I'm pretty,**

**But don't judge on what you see,**

**I'll eat myself if you can find**

**A smarter hat than me.**

**You can keep your bowlers black,**

**Your top hats sleek and tall,**

**For I'm the Hogwarts Sorting Hat**

**And I can cap them all.**

**There's nothing hidden in your head**

**The Sorting Hat can't see,**

**So try me on and I will tell you**

**Where you ought to be.**

**You might belong in Gryffindor,**

**Where dwell the brave at heart,**

**Their daring, nerve, and chivalry**

**Set Gryffindors apart;**

**You might belong in Hufflepuff,**

**Where they are just and loyal,**

**Those patient Hufflepuffs are true**

**And unafraid of toil;**

**Or yet in wise old Ravenclaw, if you've a ready mind,**

**Where those of wit and learning,**

**Will always find their kind;**

**Or perhaps in Slytherin**

**You'll make your real friends,**

**Those cunning folk use any means**

**To achieve their ends.**

**So put me on! Don't be afraid!**

**And don't get in a flap!**

**You're in safe hands (though I have none)**

**For I'm a Thinking Cap!"**

The entire Hall clapped as whether you thought her loony or not, you couldn't say she was a bad singer. Luna blushed and handed the book back to Harry who continued

**The whole hall burst into applause as the hat finished its song. It bowed **

'How does a hat bow?' asked a first year, to which Harry just shrugged.

**to each of the four tables and then became quite still again.**

**"So we've just got to try on the hat!" Ron whispered to Harry. "I'll kill Fred; he was going on about wrestling a troll."**

'Can you say foreshadowing kiddies?' Asked Hermione like she was in some kind of children's program ignoring the looks of the purebloods who thought she was questioning their intelligence, which in a way she was. At least the muggleborn and most of the half-bloods got the joke.

**Harry smiled weakly. Yes, trying on the hat was a lot better than having to do a spell, but he did wish they could have tried it on without everyone watching. The hat seemed to be asking rather a lot; Harry didn't feel brave or quick-witted or any of it at the moment. If only the hat had mentioned a house for people who felt a bit queasy, that would have been the one for him.**

'That would be over here' called Tonks 'we usually get a lot of the muggleborns each year'

**Professor McGonagall now stepped forward holding a long roll of parchment.**

**"When I call your name, you will put on the hat and sit on the stool to be sorted," she said. "Abbott, Hannah!"**

**A pink-faced girl with blonde pigtails stumbled out of line, put on the hat, which fell right down over her eyes, and sat down. A moment's pause -**

**"HUFFLEPUFF!" shouted the hat.**

**The table on the right cheered and clapped as Hannah went to sit down at the Hufflepuff table. Harry saw the ghost of the Fat Friar waving merrily at her.**

People cheered for Hannah like they did 5 years ago, the girl trying to hide behind her friend Susan.

**"Bones, Susan!"**

**"HUFFLEPUFF!" shouted the hat again, and Susan scuttled off to sit next to Hannah.**

Again the Hufflepuffs cheered and it was Susan's turn to look embarrassed.

**"Boot, Terry!"**

**"RAVENCLAW!"**

This time the Ravenclaws cheered, Terry's year group the loudest

**The table second from the left clapped this time; several Ravenclaws stood up to shake hands with Terry as he joined them.**

**"Brocklehurst, Mandy" went to Ravenclaw too, but "Brown, Lavender" became the first new Gryffindor, and the table on the far left exploded with cheers; Harry could see Ron's twin brothers catcalling.**

'She was 11!' 'We were just messing...' '...Besides it suits her now'

**"Bulstrode, Millicent" then became a Slytherin. Perhaps it was Harry's imagination, after all he'd heard about Slytherin, but he thought they looked like an unpleasant lot.**

There were several indignant 'Hey's from the Slytherin table but they were ignored by Harry.

**He was starting to feel definitely sick now. He remembered being picked for teams during gym at his old school. He had always been last to be chosen, not because he was no good, but because no one wanted Dudley to think they liked him.**

'Most of the school would fit in well there, as long as he didn't know they were magic' Harry said angrily, many students grimaced knowing they kept away from him whenever the school turned on him to avoid receiving the same backlash he did.

**"Finch-Fletchley, Justin!"**

**"HUFFLEPUFF!"**

**Sometimes, Harry noticed, the hat shouted out the house at once, but at others it took a little while to decide. "Finnigan, Seamus," the sandy-haired boy next to Harry in the line, sat on the stool for almost a whole minute before the hat declared him a Gryffindor.**

'It was either that or Hufflepuff, we had a discussion on which was better for me. Gryffindor just about won' Seamus explained

**"Granger, Hermione!"**

**Hermione almost ran to the stool and jammed the hat eagerly on her head.**

**"GRYFFINDOR!" shouted the hat. Ron groaned. **(Of course he did)

'The hat gave me two other options and we considered them for a bit then did what I now know to be a complete 180 and decided to put me in Gryffindor' Hermione said and Snaky noticed Dumbledore significantly pale to which her smirked sadistically; the old goat fucker would get his in little bits over the 7 books. Harry tried getting her to explain but she just replied 'later'

**A horrible thought struck Harry, as horrible thoughts always do when you're very nervous. What if he wasn't chosen at all? What if he just sat there with the hat over his eyes for ages, until Professor McGonagall jerked it off his head and said there had obviously been a mistake and he'd better get back on the train?**

'It doesn't work that way Potter, everyone has a little bit of at least one of those traits even if it's buried deep inside under a lot of self doubt' McGonagall said comfortingly 'Yeah think of Neville, if he had more confidence in himself we'd see his Gryffindor side more often' Hermione added.

**When Neville Longbottom, the boy who kept losing his toad, was called, he fell over on his way to the stool. The hat took a long time to decide with Neville. When it finally shouted, "GRYFFINDOR," Neville ran off still wearing it, and had to jog back amid gales of laughter to give it to "MacDougal, Morag."**

Anyone who was there laughed at the memory while Snaky just said 'Looks like you're the comic relief for this book' to which Neville groaned

**Malfoy swaggered forward when his name was called and got his wish at once: the hat had barely touched his head when it screamed, "SLYTHERIN!"**

'I may not be brilliantly cunning, but I'm ambitious and power hungry so Slytherin works wonders for me' Draco said with pride 'you for got EVIL' Ron yelled antagonistically 'No, that's the title given to it since the last wizarding war. How can an 11 year old be evil? Treating someone like they're an evil monster might create them in a 'might as well give them what they want' kind of way' Hermione countered coldly 'Siding with the death eaters, you must really be going dark you stupid mu...' Ron gripped his throat as no sound escaped and when Harry looked up to the staff table Snaky was putting away his wand hissing angrily (not parseltongue, just actual hissing)

**Malfoy went to join his friends Crabbe and Goyle, looking pleased with himself.**

'How those 2 got into Slytherin is a bigger question than little Draco' Bella said with a giggle.

**There weren't many people left now. "Moon"..., "Nott"..., "Parkinson"..., then a pair of twin girls, "Patil" and "Patil"..., then "Perks, Sally-Anne"..., and then, at last -**

**"Potter, Harry!"**

**As Harry stepped forward, whispers suddenly broke out like little hissing fires all over the hall.**

**"Potter, did she say?"**

**"The Harry Potter?"**

**The last thing Harry saw before the hat dropped over his eyes was the hall full of people craning to get a good look at him. Next second he was looking at the black inside of the hat. He waited.**

Harry groaned '_well here it comes_' he thought

**"Hmm," said a small voice in his ear. "Difficult. Very difficult. Plenty of courage, I see. Not a bad mind either. There's talent, A my goodness, yes - and a nice thirst to prove yourself, now that's interesting... So where shall I put you?"**

A lot of people were surprised 'The Lights little golden boy wasn't a shoe in for Gryffindor'

**Harry gripped the edges of the stool and thought, '**_**Not Slytherin, not Slytherin'.**_

Harry didn't look up but he knew there were a lot of people both in his group and around the Hall, he even though Snaky was too; looked sad and almost disappointed though he had a feeling Dumbles and the Weasley's were pleased with themselves. Snaky's featured drooped, Dumbledore's agents had an effect on Harry so quickly in the wizarding world it was quite sad how easy it was.

**"Not Slytherin, eh?" said the small voice. "Are you sure? You could be great, you know, it's all here in your head, and Slytherin will help you on the way to greatness, no doubt about that - no? Well, if you're sure - better be GRYFFINDOR!"**

The hall was in a stunned silence; Harry Potter was almost a Slytherin! Hermione grabbed him and turned his head to face her 'I was almost there too, the hat said I'd do well in Ravenclaw or Slytherin then it was like it vibrated and then to paraphrase it said better idea, you go in Gryffindor' now it was Harry's turn to be stunned into silence, he had a feeling even with Malfoy in it and everything Ron and Hagrid had said if Hermione was in Slytherin he would have followed her into the 'Snake Pit' too. He hugged Hermione who reciprocated with one of her back breakers as several people 'awed'. Tom was angry, he had a feeling this had Albus 'too many middle names' Dumbledore written all over it.

**Harry heard the hat shout the last word to the whole hall. He took off the hat and walked shakily toward the Gryffindor table. He was so relieved to have been chosen and not put in Slytherin; he hardly noticed that he was getting the loudest cheer yet. Percy the Prefect** (Pause for laughter)** got up and shook his hand vigorously, while the Weasley twins yelled, "We got Potter! We got Potter!" **

'Said twins decided to break everyone else out of their funk by reinacting the just mentioned cheering.

**Harry sat down opposite the ghost in the ruff he'd seen earlier. The ghost patted his arm, giving Harry the sudden, horrible feeling he'd just plunged it into a bucket of ice-cold water.**

**He could see the High Table properly now. At the end nearest him sat Hagrid, who caught his eye and gave him the thumbs up. Harry grinned back. And there, in the centre of the High Table, in a large gold chair, sat Albus Dumbledore. Harry recognized him at once from the card he'd gotten out of the Chocolate Frog on the train. Dumbledore's silver hair was the only thing in the whole hall that shone as brightly as the ghosts. Harry spotted Professor Quirrell, too, the nervous young man from the Leaky Cauldron. He was looking very peculiar in a large purple turban.**

'He looked more peculiar without it' Harry joked, though only Hermione and Tom understood.

**And now there were only three people left to be sorted. "Thomas, Dean," a Black boy even taller than Ron, **

'You know if that wasn't the 1st time we met that would seem really racist' 'Yeah sorry Dean don't worry we'll probably have more information on you next time we meet'

**joined Harry at the Gryffindor table. "Turpin, Lisa," became a Ravenclaw and then it was Ron's turn. He was pale green by now. Harry crossed his fingers under the table and a second later the hat had shouted, "GRYFFINDOR!"**

**Harry clapped loudly with the rest as Ron collapsed into the chair next to him.**

**"Well done, Ron, excellent," said Percy Weasley pompously** ('we totally believe that')** across Harry as "Zabini, Blaise," was made a Slytherin. Professor McGonagall rolled up her scroll and took the Sorting Hat away.**

**Harry looked down at his empty gold plate. He had only just realized how hungry he was. The pumpkin pasties seemed ages ago.**

'They were, sun was still out back then'

**Albus Dumbledore had gotten to his feet. He was beaming at the students, his arms opened wide, as if nothing could have pleased him more than to see them all there.**

**"Welcome," he said. "Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!**

'You forgot several important words; Moron, Bribery, Line–Theft and Bigotry' Snaky said with a sneer.

**"Thank you!"**

**He sat back down. Everybody clapped and cheered. Harry didn't know whether to laugh or not.**

**"Is he - a bit mad?" he asked Percy uncertainly.**

'There are times he makes me, Voldy and Moody look sane, so yes, yes he is'

**"Mad?" said Percy airily. "He's a genius! Best wizard in the world! **

'No he's not!' Yelled Tom angrily

**But he is a bit mad, yes. Potatoes, Harry?"**

**Harry's mouth fell open. The dishes in front of him were now piled with food. He had never seen so many things he liked to eat on one table: roast beef, roast chicken, pork chops and lamb chops, sausages, bacon and steak, boiled potatoes, roast potatoes, fries, Yorkshire pudding, peas, carrots, gravy, ketchup, and, for some strange reason, peppermint humbugs.**

**The Dursleys had never exactly starved Harry, but he'd never been allowed to eat as much as he liked. Dudley had always taken anything that Harry really wanted, even if It made him sick. Harry piled his plate with a bit of everything except the peppermints and began to eat. It was all delicious.**

**"That does look good," said the ghost in the ruff sadly, watching Harry cut up his steak.**

**"Can't you - ?"**

**"I haven't eaten for nearly five hundred years," said the ghost. "I don't need to, of course, but one does miss it. I don't think I've introduced myself? Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington at your service. Resident ghost of Gryffindor Tower."**

'Wait for it'

**"I know who you are!" said Ron suddenly. "My brothers told me about you - you're Nearly Headless Nick!"**

**"I would prefer you to call me Sir Nicholas de Mimsy - " the ghost began stiffly, but sandy-haired Seamus Finnigan interrupted.**

**"Nearly Headless? How can you be nearly headless?"**

**Sir Nicholas looked extremely miffed, as if their little chat wasn't going at all the way he wanted.**

'Oh it did, he just needed a wizard with older siblings and a new family for it to work' Sirius said followed by a bark like laugh while Nick did the ghostly equivalent of a blush

**"Like this," he said irritably. He seized his left ear and pulled. His whole head swung off his neck and fell onto his shoulder as if it was on a hinge. Someone had obviously tried to behead him, but not done it properly. Looking pleased at the stunned looks on their faces, Nearly Headless Nick flipped his head back onto his neck, **

Nick repeated the gesture in the assembled audience, causing many of the students below 5th year to pale or go green.

**coughed, and said, "So - new Gryffindors! I hope you're going to help us win the house championship this year? Gryffindors have never gone so long without winning. Slytherins have got the cup six years in a row! The Bloody Baron's becoming almost unbearable - he's the Slytherin ghost."**

**Harry looked over at the Slytherin table and saw a horrible ghost sitting there, with blank staring eyes, a gaunt face, and robes stained with silver blood. He was right next to Malfoy who, Harry was pleased to see, didn't look too pleased with the seating arrangements.**

'No body ever is' groaned the Baron sombrely

**"How did he get covered in blood?" asked Seamus with great interest.**

**"I've never asked," said Nearly Headless Nick delicately.**

'It's not important' answered the Baron

**When everyone had eaten as much as they could, the remains of the food faded from the plates, leaving them sparkling clean as before. A moment later the desserts appeared. Blocks of ice cream in every flavour you could think of, apple pies, treacle tarts, chocolate éclairs and jam doughnuts, trifle, strawberries, Jell-O, rice pudding...**

**As Harry helped himself to a treacle tart, the talk turned to their families.**

**"I'm half-and-half," said Seamus. "Me dad's a Muggle. Mom didn't tell him she was a witch 'til after they were married. Bit of a nasty shock for him."**

Many of the adults groaned at his mother's stupidity, though Seamus didn't know that

**The others laughed.**

**"What about you, Neville?" said Ron.**

**"Well, my gran brought me up and she's a witch," said Neville, "but the family thought I was all-Muggle for ages. My Great Uncle Algie kept trying to catch me off my guard and force some magic out of me - he pushed me off the end of Blackpool pier once, I nearly drowned - but nothing happened until I was eight. Great Uncle Algie came round for dinner, and he was hanging me out of an upstairs window by the ankles when my Great Auntie Enid offered him a meringue and he accidentally let go. But I bounced - all the way down the garden and into the road. They were all really pleased, Gran was crying, she was so happy. And you should have seen their faces when I got in here - they thought I might not be magic enough to come, you see. Great Uncle Algie was so pleased he bought me my toad."**

'Abusive families seem common place in the wizarding world' Snaky noted while no one seemed to try contradict him.

**On Harry's other side, Percy Weasley and Hermione were talking about lessons ("I do hope they start right away, there's so much to learn, I'm particularly interested in Transfiguration, you know, turning something into something else, of course, it's supposed to be very difficult - "; "You'll be starting small, just matches into needles and that sort of thing - ").**

**Harry, who was starting to feel warm and sleepy, looked up at the High Table again. Hagrid was drinking deeply from his goblet. Professor McGonagall was talking to Professor Dumbledore. Professor Quirrell, in his absurd turban, was talking to a teacher with greasy black hair, a hooked nose, and sallow skin.**

Snape took this opportunity to mock glare at Harry who smiled and glared back

**It happened very suddenly. The hook-nosed teacher looked past Quirrell's turban straight into Harry's eyes - and a sharp, hot pain shot across the scar on Harry's forehead.**

Tom twitched, his face momentarily portraying worry.

**"Ouch!" Harry clapped a hand to his head.**

**"What is it?" asked Percy.**

**"N-nothing."**

**The pain had gone as quickly as it had come. Harder to shake off was the feeling Harry had gotten from the teacher's look - a feeling that he didn't like Harry at all.**

**"Who's that teacher talking to Professor Quirrell?" he asked Percy.**

'The mighty BATMAN!' Moaned the twins, plenty of muggleborn and half bloods joining in the joke including Snape himself, surprising everyone by humming the batman tune.

**"Oh, you know Quirrell already, do you? No wonder he's looking so nervous, that's Professor Snape. He teaches Potions, but he doesn't want to - everyone knows he's after Quirrell's job. **

'Why would I be after his job? I'm fine with my potions Mastery and being Head of Slytherin' Snape asked out loud, but no body could answer him.

**Knows an awful lot about the Dark Arts, Snape."**

**Harry watched Snape for a while, but Snape didn't look at him again.**

**At last, the desserts too disappeared, and Professor Dumbledore got to his feet again. The hall fell silent.**

**"Ahem - just a few more words now that we are all fed and watered. I have a few start-of-term notices to give you.**

**"First years should note that the forest on the grounds is forbidden to all pupils. And a few of our older students would do well to remember that as well."**

**Dumbledore's twinkling eyes flashed in the direction of the Weasley twins.**

**"I have also been asked by Mr. Filch, the caretaker, to remind you all that no magic should be used between classes in the corridors.**

'_Like anyone ever listens to that_' was the thought going through most of the halls occupants both student and adult alike.

**"Quidditch trials will be held in the second week of the term. Anyone interested in playing for their house teams should contact Madam Hooch.**

**"And finally, I must tell you that this year, the third-floor corridor on the right-hand side is out of bounds to everyone who does not wish to die a very painful death."**

Surest way to get someone to investigate it, I'm surprised the Weasley twins didn't die that year' Snaky said, a sneer directed towards the aging headmaster.

**Harry laughed, but he was one of the few who did.**

**"He's not serious?" he muttered to Percy.**

**"Must be," said Percy, frowning at Dumbledore. "It's odd, because he usually gives us a reason why we're not allowed to go somewhere - the forest's full of dangerous beasts, everyone knows that. I do think he might have told us prefects, at least."**

Snaky's head hit the table so hard it cracked the gold scales on his face as he groaned at the older Weasley's stupidity.

**"And now, before we go to bed, let us sing the school song!" cried Dumbledore. Harry noticed that the other teachers' smiles had become rather fixed.**

**Dumbledore gave his wand a little flick, as if he was trying to get a fly off the end, and a long golden ribbon flew out of it, which rose high above the tables and twisted itself, snakelike, into words.**

**"Everyone pick their favourite tune," said Dumbledore, "and off we go!"**

**And the school bellowed:**

Sirius, Remus, Bella and Snaky pulled out there wands and everyone began to sing;

**"Hogwarts, Hogwarts, Hoggy Warty Hogwarts,**

**Teach us something please,**

**Whether we be old and bald**

**Or young with scabby knees,**

**Our heads could do with filling**

**With some interesting stuff,**

**For now they're bare and full of air,**

**Dead flies and bits of fluff,**

**So teach us things worth knowing,**

**Bring back what we've forgot, just do your best, we'll do the rest,**

**And learn until our brains all rot."**

Everyone finally stopped singing and glared at the smiling reptilian immortal who just smiled marauderishly at them.

**Everybody finished the song at different times. At last, only the Weasley twins were left singing along to a very slow funeral march. Dumbledore conducted their last few lines with his wand and when they had finished, he was one of those who clapped loudest.**

**"Ah, music," he said, wiping his eyes. "A magic beyond all we do here! And now, bedtime. Off you trot!"**

**The Gryffindor first years followed Percy through the chattering crowds, out of the Great Hall, and up the marble staircase. Harry's legs were like lead again, but only because he was so tired and full of food. He was too sleepy even to be surprised that the people in the portraits along the corridors whispered and pointed as they passed, or that twice Percy led them through doorways hidden behind sliding panels and hanging tapestries. They climbed more staircases, yawning and dragging their feet, and Harry was just wondering how much farther they had to go when they came to a sudden halt.**

**A bundle of walking sticks was floating in midair ahead of them, and as Percy took a step toward them they started throwing themselves at him.**

Quite a few Gryffindors cheered at this as Percy was one of the most hated Gryffindors the school had ever had.

**"Peeves," Percy whispered to the first years. "A poltergeist." He raised his voice, "Peeves - show yourself."**

**A loud, rude sound, like the air being let out of a balloon, answered.**

**"Do you want me to go to the Bloody Baron?"**

'Too soon'

**There was a pop, and a little man with wicked, dark eyes and a wide mouth appeared, floating cross-legged in the air, clutching the walking sticks.**

**"Oooooooh!" he said, with an evil cackle. "Ickle Firsties! What fun!"**

**He swooped suddenly at them. They all ducked.**

**"Go away, Peeves, or the Baron'll hear about this, I mean it!" barked Percy.**

**Peeves stuck out his tongue and vanished, dropping the walking sticks on Neville's head. They heard him zooming away, rattling coats of armour as he passed.**

**"You want to watch out for Peeves," said Percy, as they set off again. "The Bloody Baron's the only one who can control him, he won't even listen to us prefects. Here we are."**

'I only control Peeves when I feel I actually need to otherwise I let him do what he likes'

**At the very end of the corridor hung a portrait of a very fat woman in a pink silk dress.**

**"Password?" she said.**

**"Caput Draconis," said Percy, and the portrait swung forward to reveal a round hole in the wall. They all scrambled through it - Neville needed a leg up - and found themselves in the Gryffindor common room, a cosy, round room full of squashy armchairs.**

**Percy directed the girls through one door to their dormitory and the boys through another. At the top of a spiral staircase - they were obviously in one of the towers - they found their beds at last: five four-posters hung with deep red, velvet curtains. Their trunks had already been brought up. Too tired to talk much, they pulled on their pyjamas and fell into bed.**

**"Great food, isn't it?" Ron muttered to Harry through the hangings. "Get off, Scabbers! He's chewing my sheets."**

**Harry was going to ask Ron if he'd had any of the treacle tart, but he fell asleep almost at once.**

'Wish that happened more often'

**Perhaps Harry had eaten a bit too much, because he had a very strange dream. He was wearing Professor Quirrell's turban, which kept talking to him, telling him he must transfer to Slytherin at once, because it was his destiny. Harry told the turban he didn't want to be in Slytherin; it got heavier and heavier; he tried to pull it off but it tightened painfully - and there was Malfoy, laughing at him as he struggled with it - then Malfoy turned into the hook-nosed teacher, Snape, whose laugh became high and cold - there was a burst of green light and Harry woke, sweating and shaking.**

Harry looked surprised describing the entire dream sequence while Snaky seemed interested 'I don't remember dreaming that' Harry said confused '_It seems the Horcrux was reaching out to Harry and Tom through his dreams_' thought Snaky

**He rolled over and fell asleep again, and when he woke next day, he didn't remember the dream at all.**

'That explains it, so who wants a go next?' Harry asked. 'I'll do it Harry!' Called Susan. The book flew over to her and she happily opened to the next chapter, looking over to Snape with a sad expression which confused the potions master immensely (Dun, Dun, Dun.)

TBC

LW: That's all for now, more next year most luck

R&R


	9. 8: Potions Master

LW: I'm back, sorry it's been so long, it's my Leaving cert year so I have less time on my hands, and then there were my mocks… so now it's the mid term I'm writing as much as I can for my loyal readers to enjoy. (Sorry to say this didn't turn out as I hoped, so instead I will be updating as fast as I can)

Also on an unrelated note: The Nostalgia Critic is back, THANK YOU GOD!

Anyway, Enjoy.

_**Hogwarts reads the Harry Potter Books – Snaky edition.**_ _**Chapter 8**_

'Here we go' said Susan looking a little worried

**Chapter 8 The Potions Master**

'_Ah crap_' thought Snape.

**"There, look."**

**"Where?"**

**"Next to the tall kid with the red hair."**

**"Wearing the glasses?"**

**"Did you see his face?"**

**"Did you see his scar?"**

Let the annoying gawking begin' Harry grumbled and his group looked sadly while a lot of the Hall's occupants had the decency to be embarrassed.

**Whispers followed Harry from the moment he left his dormitory the next day. People lining up outside classrooms stood on tiptoe to get a look at him, or doubled back to pass him in the corridors again, staring. Harry wished they wouldn't, because he was trying to concentrate on finding his way to classes.**

**There were a hundred and forty-two staircases at Hogwarts: wide, sweeping ones; narrow, rickety ones; some that led somewhere different on a Friday; some with a vanishing step halfway up that you had to remember to jump. Then there were doors that wouldn't open unless you asked politely, or tickled them in exactly the right place, and doors that weren't really doors at all, but solid walls just pretending. It was also very hard to remember where anything was, because it all seemed to move around a lot. The people in the portraits kept going to visit each other, and Harry was sure the coats of armour could walk.**

'Only the ones on the 2nd, 3rd and 6th floors'

**The ghosts didn't help, either. It was always a nasty shock when one of them glided suddenly through a door you were trying to open. Nearly Headless Nick was always happy to point new Gryffindors in the right direction, but Peeves the Poltergeist was worth two locked doors and a trick staircase if you met him when you were late for class. He would drop wastepaper baskets on your head, pull rugs from under your feet, pelt you with bits of chalk, or sneak up behind you, invisible, grab your nose, and screech, "GOT YOUR CONK!"**

'James taught him that' Sirius said with a smirk

**Even worse than Peeves, if that was possible, was the caretaker, Argus Filch. Harry and Ron managed to get on the wrong side of him on their very first morning. Filch found them trying to force their way through a door that unluckily turned out to be the entrance to the out-of-bounds corridor on the third floor. He wouldn't believe they were lost, was sure they were trying to break into it on purpose, and was threatening to lock them in the dungeons when they were rescued by Professor Quirrell, who was passing.**

'That was convenient' was muttered within Harry's group

**Filch owned a cat called Mrs. Norris, a scrawny, dust-coloured creature with bulging, lamp like eyes just like Filch's. She patrolled the corridors alone. Break a rule in front of her, put just one toe out of line, and she'd whisk off for Filch, who'd appear, wheezing, two seconds later. Filch knew the secret passageways of the school better than anyone (except perhaps the Weasley twins) and could pop up as suddenly as any of the ghosts. The students all hated him, and it was the dearest ambition of many to give Mrs. Norris a good kick.**

**And then, once you had managed to find them, there were the classes themselves. There was a lot more to magic, as Harry quickly found out, than waving your wand and saying a few funny words.**

'That sounds familiar' Harry said looking at Snape

**They had to study the night skies through their telescopes every Wednesday at midnight and learn the names of different stars and the movements of the planets. Three times a week they went out to the greenhouses behind the castle to study Herbology, with a dumpy little witch called Professor Sprout, where they learned how to take care of all the strange plants and fungi, and found out what they were used for. Easily the most boring class was History of Magic, which was the only one taught by a ghost. Professor Binns had been very old indeed when he had fallen asleep in front of the staff room fire and got up next morning to teach, leaving his body behind him. Binns droned on and on while they scribbled down names and dates, and got Emetic the Evil and Uric the Oddball mixed up.**

Snaky sighed in annoyance 'When this is over I'll get Shini to arrange an exorcism' to the uproar of support from the students

**Professor Flitwick, the Charms teacher, was a tiny little wizard who had to stand on a pile of books to see over his desk. At the start of their first class he took the roll call, and when he reached Harry's name he gave an excited squeak and toppled out of sight.**

Many 5th year Gryffindors and Slytherins chuckled as that was a good start to their class.

**Professor McGonagall was again different. Harry had been quite right to think she wasn't a teacher to cross. Strict and clever, she gave them a talking-to the moment they sat down in her first class.**

**"Transfiguration is some of the most complex and dangerous magic you will learn at Hogwarts," she said. "Anyone messing around in my class will leave and not come back. You have been warned."**

'Nobody ever leaves, they want to do the cool stuff like that too much' Remus said to the general agreement of all the upper students.

**Then she changed her desk into a pig and back again. They were all very impressed and couldn't wait to get started, but soon realized they weren't going to be changing the furniture into animals for a long time. After taking a lot of complicated notes, they were each given a match and started trying to turn it into a needle. By the end of the lesson, only Hermione Granger had made any difference to her match; Professor McGonagall showed the class how it had gone all silver and pointy and gave Hermione a rare smile.**

'Just like Lily, top of the class from the start' Remus said and both Harry and Hermione smiled.

**The class everyone had really been looking forward to was Defense Against the Dark Arts, but Quirrell's lessons turned out to be a bit of a joke. His classroom smelled strongly of garlic, which everyone said was to ward off a vampire he'd met in Romania and was afraid would be coming back to get him one of these days. His turban, he told them, had been given to him by an African prince as a thank-you for getting rid of a troublesome zombie, but they weren't sure they believed this story. For one thing, when Seamus Finnigan asked eagerly to hear how Quirrell had fought off the zombie, Quirrell went pink and started talking about the weather; for another, they had noticed that a funny smell hung around the turban, and the Weasley twins insisted that it was stuffed full of garlic as well, so that Quirrell was protected wherever he went.**

'Completely incompetent but a the last person you'd suspect for anything' Harry said with a pointed look at Tom.

**Harry was very relieved to find out that he wasn't miles behind everyone else. Lots of people had come from Muggle families and, like him, hadn't had any idea that they were witches and wizards. There was so much to learn that even people like Ron didn't have much of a head start.**

'Though that may just be because Ron's an incompetent moron' Luna commented in an airy tone nobody could argue against.

**Friday was an important day for Harry and Ron. They finally managed to find their way down to the Great Hall for breakfast without getting lost once.**

'Nice work, most people still get lost throughout the 1st month' Sirius mentioned remembering their continual inability to be consistently on time for class being one of the more mundane reasons for creating the map.

**"What have we got today?" Harry asked Ron as he poured sugar on his porridge.**

**"Double Potions with the Slytherins," said Ron. "Snape's Head of Slytherin House. They say he always favours them - we'll be able to see if it's true."**

'I favour Slytherin to balance out the other 3 heads, of course because of that I am much more obvious' Snape defended, causing quite a few of the staff to avoid his or the students eyes.

**"Wish McGonagall favoured us," said Harry. Professor McGonagall was head of Gryffindor House, but it hadn't stopped her from giving them a huge pile of homework the day before.**

**Just then, the mail arrived. Harry had gotten used to this by now, but it had given him a bit of a shock on the first morning, when about a hundred owls had suddenly streamed into the Great Hall during breakfast, circling the tables until they saw their owners, and dropping letters and packages onto their laps.**

Susan stopped and many looked up expecting an owl or two to fly into the Hall, but they didn't, just Hedwig hooting at them from over with Harry and friends.

**Hedwig hadn't brought Harry anything so far. She sometimes flew in to nibble his ear and have a bit of toast before going off to sleep in the owlery with the other school owls.**

'Something that has continued to this day' Harry announced proudly, to which Hedwig nipped his ear and flew over to rest on Remus' shoulder.

**This morning, however, she fluttered down between the marmalade and the sugar bowl and dropped a note onto Harry's plate. Harry tore it open at once. It said, in a very untidy scrawl:**

**Dear Harry,**

**I know you get Friday afternoons off, so would you like to come and have a cup of tea with me around three?**

**I want to hear all about your first week. Send us an answer back with Hedwig.**

**Hagrid**

'You've always had such a big heart Hagrid'

**Harry borrowed Ron's quill, scribbled Yes, please, see you later on the back of the note, and sent Hedwig off again.**

**It was lucky that Harry had tea with Hagrid to look forward to, because the Potions lesson turned out to be the worst thing that had happened to him so far.**

'Do you mean so far since the book started or since you've arrived in Hogwarts?' Tonks asked. 'Hogwarts defiantly, the Dursleys were much worse to me more often than anything Snape has done' Harry answered and the collective feelings of the Dursleys dropped further than they thought possible, the 5th year Gryffindors and Slytherins most of all knowing Snape's treatment of Harry 1st hand.

**At the start-of-term banquet, Harry had gotten the idea that Professor Snape disliked him. By the end of the first Potions lesson, he knew he'd been wrong. Snape didn't dislike Harry - he hated him.**

**Potions lessons took place down in one of the dungeons. It was colder here than up in the main castle, and would have been quite creepy enough without the pickled animals floating in glass jars all around the walls.**

**Snape, like Flitwick, started the class by taking the roll call, and like Flitwick, he paused at Harry's name.**

**"Ah, Yes," he said softly, "Harry Potter. Our new - celebrity."**

There was an echoing thump caused by both Harry and Snape's foreheads colliding with their respective tables at high speed.

**Draco Malfoy and his friends Crabbe and Goyle sniggered behind their hands. Snape finished calling the names and looked up at the class. His eyes were black like Hagrid's, but they had none of Hagrid's warmth. They were cold and empty and made you think of dark tunnels.**

'His eyes are like black holes, they suck in all available light, that's why he dos his classes in the dungeons, so nobody notices the difference' Snaky says half jokingly ignoring the glares from the potions master.

**"You are here to learn the subtle science and exact art of potion making," he began. He spoke in barely more than a whisper, but they caught every word - like Professor McGonagall, Snape had the gift of keeping a class silent without effort. "As there is little foolish wand-waving here, many of you will hardly believe this is magic. I don't expect you will really understand the beauty of the softly simmering cauldron with its shimmering fumes, the delicate power of liquids that creep through human veins, bewitching the mind, ensnaring the senses... I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, even stopper death - if you aren't as big a bunch of dunderheads as I usually have to teach."**

'Nice work but tripped at the last hurdle, is that dunderhead comment just for the 1st year Gryffindor/Slytherin classes?' Snaky asked/commented 'Yes' Snape answered in a Hermione-esque matter-of-fact way.

**More silence followed this little speech. Harry and Ron exchanged looks with raised eyebrows. Hermione Granger was on the edge of her seat and looked desperate to start proving that she wasn't a dunderhead.**

**"Potter!" said Snape suddenly. "What would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?"**

'Pop Tar..' IT'S NOT POP TARTS!' (Couldn't resist that joke, and Sirius and Snape worked perfectly)

**Powdered root of what to an infusion of what ? Harry glanced at Ron, who looked as stumped as he was; Hermione's hand had shot into the air.**

**"I don't know, sir," said Harry.**

**Snape's lips curled into a sneer.**

**"Tut, tut - fame clearly isn't everything."**

'God I was such a marauder' Snape groaned 'Yeah you were … HEY!' Sirius yelped.

**He ignored Hermione's hand.**

**"Let's try again. Potter, where would you look if I told you to find me a bezoar?"**

'Ohhh, ohhh I know sir, Potions cabinet, The Hog's Head, Dumbledore!' Bella answered in a hyper 5 year old way. Within the Hall there was a collective sweat-drop and WTF.

**Hermione stretched her hand as high into the air as it would go without her leaving her seat, but Harry didn't have the faintest idea what a bezoar was. He tried not to look at Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle, who were shaking with laughter.**

**"I don't know, sir."**

**"Thought you wouldn't open a book before coming, eh, Potter?" Harry forced himself to keep looking straight into those cold eyes. He had looked through his books at the Dursleys', but did Snape expect him to remember everything in One Thousand Magical Herbs and Fungi ?**

'Actually Harry it's not a plant so it wouldn't be in that book' Hermione corrected him, then blushed when she noticed everyone was staring at her.

**Snape was still ignoring Hermione's quivering hand.**

**"What is the difference, Potter, between monkshood and Wolfsbane?"**

'Name, professor' Neville answered surprising a lot of people especially Snape himself

**At this, Hermione stood up, her hand stretching toward the dungeon ceiling.**

**"I don't know," said Harry quietly. "I think Hermione does, though, why don't you try her?"**

**A few people laughed; Harry caught Seamus's eye, and Seamus winked. Snape, however, was not pleased.**

**"Sit down," he snapped at Hermione. "For your information, Potter, asphodel and wormwood make a sleeping potion so powerful it is known as the Draught of Living Death. A bezoar is a stone taken from the stomach of a goat and it will save you from most poisons. As for monkshood and Wolfsbane, they are the same plant, which also goes by the name of aconite. Well? Why aren't you all copying that down?"**

'Because you didn't tell them to'

**There was a sudden rummaging for quills and parchment. Over the noise, Snape said, "And a point will be taken from Gryffindor House for your cheek, Potter."**

'Hey that's … perfectly reasonable' Snaky said trying to be annoyed but though it was fair _for now_. 'That won't last long' mumbled Harry.

**Things didn't improve for the Gryffindors as the Potions lesson continued. Snape put them all into pairs and set them to mixing up a simple potion to cure boils. He swept around in his long black cloak, watching them weigh dried nettles and crush snake fangs, criticizing almost everyone except Malfoy, whom he seemed to like.**

'Listen Sev, we know he's a potion prodigy like you and lily but don't make your feelings so obvious and transparent' commented Sirius good naturedly.

**He was just telling everyone to look at the perfect way Malfoy had stewed his horned slugs when clouds of acid green smoke**

'Ok who stole my pipe?' Snaky stated accusingly as he glared at the Gryffindors. 'No wait, that's blue' he retracted cheerfully.

**and a loud hissing filled the dungeon. Neville had somehow managed to melt Seamus's cauldron into a twisted blob, and their potion was seeping across the stone floor, burning holes in people's shoes. Within seconds, the whole class was standing on their stools while Neville, who had been drenched in the potion when the cauldron collapsed, moaned in pain as angry red boils sprang up all over his arms and legs.**

'Poor Neville...' '…only you…' '…could melt a cauldron…' '…on your first day' the twins joked with the 4th year trying to hide under the table in embarrassment.

**"Idiot boy!" snarled Snape, clearing the spilled potion away with one wave of his wand. "I suppose you added the porcupine quills before taking the cauldron off the fire?"**

**Neville whimpered as boils started to pop up all over his nose.**

**"Take him up to the hospital wing," Snape spat at Seamus. Then he rounded on Harry and Ron, who had been working next to Neville.**

**"You - Potter - why didn't you tell him not to add the quills? Thought he'd make you look good if he got it wrong, did you? That's another point you've lost for Gryffindor."**

'Ok, NOW he's being unfair' Moody growled.

**This was so unfair that Harry opened his mouth to argue, but Ron kicked him behind their cauldron.**

**"Don't push it," he muttered, "I've heard Snape can turn very nasty."**

**As they climbed the steps out of the dungeon an hour later, Harry's mind was racing and his spirits were low. He'd lost two points for Gryffindor in his very first week - why did Snape hate him so much?**

**"Cheer up," said Ron, "Snape's always taking points off Fred and George.**(The twins stand up and bow at this)** Can I come and meet Hagrid with you?"**

**At five to three they left the castle and made their way across the grounds. Hagrid lived in a small wooden house on the edge of the forbidden forest. A crossbow and a pair of galoshes were outside the front door.**

**When Harry knocked they heard a frantic scrabbling from inside and several booming barks. Then Hagrid's voice rang out, saying, "Back, Fang - back."**

**Hagrid's big, hairy face appeared in the crack as he pulled the door open.**

**"Hang on," he said. "Back, Fang."**

**He let them in, struggling to keep a hold on the collar of an enormous black boarhound.**

Snaky starts chuckling to the point Susan had to ask why 'Hagrid encapsulates the saying – beware the nice ones

– at least name wise' Snaky answered.

**There was only one room inside. Hams and pheasants were hanging from the ceiling, a copper kettle was boiling on the open fire, and in the corner stood a massive bed with a patchwork quilt over it.**

**"Make yerselves at home," said Hagrid, letting go of Fang, who bounded straight at Ron and started licking his ears. Like Hagrid, Fang was clearly not as fierce as he looked.**

**"This is Ron," Harry told Hagrid, who was pouring boiling water into a large teapot and putting rock cakes onto a plate.**

**"Another Weasley, eh?" said Hagrid, glancing at Ron's freckles. I spent half me life chasin' yer twin brothers away from the forest."**

'And soon I'll be bringing you **in**to the forest'

**The rock cakes were shapeless lumps with raisins that almost broke their teeth, but Harry and Ron pretended to be enjoying them as they told Hagrid all about their first lessons. Fang rested his head on Harry's knee and drooled all over his robes.**

**Harry and Ron were delighted to hear Hagrid call Filch "that old git."**

**"An' as fer that cat, Mrs. Norris, I'd like ter introduce her to Fang sometime. D'yeh know, every time I go up ter the school, she follows me everywhere? Can't get rid of her - Filch puts her up to it."**

'I don't Ms Norris just doesn't like you' Filch argued.

**Harry told Hagrid about Snape's lesson. Hagrid, like Ron, told Harry not to worry about it, that Snape liked hardly any of the students.**

**"But he seemed to really hate me."**

**"Rubbish!" said Hagrid. "Why should he?"**

'Six years of shit at the hands of the boys father and his friends gives me a reason, it's fairly flimsy and childish but it will do' Snape grumbled

**Yet Harry couldn't help thinking that Hagrid didn't quite meet his eyes when he said that.**

**"How's yer brother Charlie?" Hagrid asked Ron. "I liked him a lot - great with animals."**

'Wow Hagrid did a good subject change, that's surprising' Remus commented

**Harry wondered if Hagrid had changed the subject on purpose. While Ron told Hagrid all about Charlie's work with dragons, Harry picked up a piece of paper that was lying on the table under the tea cozy. It was a cutting from the Daily Prophet :**

'You really can't resist sticking your nose in things can you Harry?' Neville joked 'Shut Up!' Harry retorted blushing

**GRINGOTTS BREAK-IN LATEST**

**Investigations continue into the break-in at Gringotts on 31 July, widely believed to be the work of Dark wizards or witches unknown.**

**Gringotts goblins today insisted that nothing had been taken. The vault that was searched had in fact been emptied the same day.**

The smarter people in the Hall (half the Slytherins and Ravenclaws, the staff and sprinkles of everyone else) realised the significance of the date and information and turned to Harry, who ignored them.

**"But we're not telling you what was in there, so keep your noses out if you know what's good for you," said a Gringotts spokes goblin this afternoon.**

**Harry remembered Ron telling him on the train that someone had tried to rob Gringotts, but Ron hadn't mentioned the date.**

**"Hagrid!" said Harry, "that Gringotts break-in happened on my birthday! It might've been happening while we were there!"**

'Or maybe it was the vault with the little package in it, it was emptied that day' said a young Ravenclaw with nods from the others who figured it out.

**There was no doubt about it; Hagrid definitely didn't meet Harry's eyes this time. He grunted and offered him another rock cake. Harry read the story again. The vault that was searched had in fact been emptied earlier that same day. Hagrid had emptied vault seven hundred and thirteen, if you could call it emptying, taking out that grubby little package. Had that been what the thieves were looking for?**

'Yes'

**As Harry and Ron walked back to the castle for dinner, their pockets weighed down with rock cakes they'd been too polite to refuse, Harry thought that none of the lessons he'd had so far had given him as much to think about as tea with Hagrid. Had Hagrid collected that package just in time? Where was it now? And did Hagrid know something about Snape that he didn't want to tell Harry?**

'And the chapter ends there, who wants it next?' Asked Susan 'Me next' answered Seamus, still feeling bad for not believing Harry. 'Well off we go again' Snaky said smiling.

TBC

LW: Nice to get back to writing, it's been sad to stop.

Harry: Hey, just to know, the crossover poll is open until March 1st so please vote; Avatar is winning … mainly because only one person has submitted their opinion and picked them.

R&R


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